Please critique lyric: "Lost In A Moment"

[Cheeky Monkey]

Howdy folks,

I thought I'd try something different and post a request for critique as a poll.

I wrote a blues/rock tune (ala Jonny Lang, Kenny Wayne Sheppard style) about three years ago and it's been my favorite piece to play on guitar since then. The problem has been my inability to write a lyric to go with it that I felt suited the music. It's really frustrated me. I've made four attempts, each quite different. Well, I'm finally completely satisfied with the approach I've taken as posted below, to the extent I feel I can massage this one into being the final. This song feels great to play/sing (to me). I hope to record it at some point in the not-too-distant future. All comments welcome and appreciated to help me put this puppy to bed. Thanks.

p.s. I've written songs about a bunch of subjects and people over the years, including dedications to others. However, I never wrote one that I consider mine. This one is "my" song, and I plan to dedicate it to my wife. Having said this, please don't hesitate to tear it apart if it deserves it. Thanks again!

LOST IN A MOMENT
© 2001-2004 Tom Guertin All Rights Reserved

Got lost in a moment
Caught in the spell of your eyes
What I found in that moment
Some things I now realize

Don't need much money
Don't want exotic cars
Don't seek fame 'n fortune
Or care to hang-out in bars
Just need your good lovin'
Trust you'll catch me if I fall
What I found in that moment...
I got it all

Got lost in a moment
Wide awake in a dream
What I found in that moment
Things are seldom what they seem

Don't need other women
Don't want no fancy clothes
Don't seek much attention
With you my confidence grows
Just need your good lovin'
Trust you'll catch me if I fall
What I found in that moment...
I got it all

(Instrumental lead guitar break)

Got lost in a moment
Heard you callin' my name
What I found in that moment
You're the picture within my frame

Just need you so badly
Lady you are the best
Wake-up ev'ry mornin'
Thinkin' my life's truly blessed
Thank the Lord for your lovin'
And makin' me feel ten feet tall
What I found in that moment...
I got it all

I got it all
Yeah, I got it all

 

[mshilarious]

I haven't voted. If you are really done, are you not soliciting comments other than the poll?

Oop, sorry I missed that. I vow to read more carefully. OK, two comments:

I don't understand this line, could you explain more:

What I found in that moment
Things are seldom what they seem

And the cars/fortune/money bit seems a little Huey Lewis for my tastes.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Thanks for your comments, mshilarious. Regarding what the couplet...
"What I found in that moment
Things are seldom what they seem", means, I intended it to be read (heard) in relation to what comes next (the vocal leads into it that way)...
"Don't need other women
Don't want no fancy clothes". In other words, what he thought he wanted isn't all that important -- what looked good before on the surface, wasn't all it was cracked-up to be.

Maybe I didn't achieve what I hoped for in that part. I'll give it some more thought.

As for what you perceive as Huey Lewis-ish, I believe the music/melody could change your mind on that -- but maybe not. I'll be sticking with that aspect of the song.

Thanks again!

 

[Garry Sharp]

The lyrics definitely evoke a genre - would be very interesting to hear the track.

"You're the picture in my frame" is an excellent line, really like that one.

But "Lost in a Moment" has been done before, has it not?

 

[barthoque]

I've rated it as fair. You kind of leave me wondering what kind of moment you're talking about. I don't need to know what specifically happened that moment, but something about your mood, not just 'caught in the spell of your eyes', which is a good line by the way. Tell me something about the cirumstances of that moment, things like location (in a forest or a field or a bedroom), time (early in the morning, late at night), maybe even the wether (it could be stormy or rainy or something that matches the mood of the song). Make it appear like it was a magical moment or a sad or tragical moment, something the listener can relate to. It's obviously a very personal lyric, which is good, but it's even better when the listener can get the feeling he/she can project his/her own memories of such moments onto the song.

 

[thembuzz]

"Don't want no fancy clothes
Don't seek much attention
With you my confidence grows"

I think that last line is a bit awkward. If you can, I'd suggest finding another rhyme.

 

[andyhix]

I tend to agree with barthoque. The song is all about the "moment" but i don't really get what the moment in question is all about. is it the moment you realized that you didn't need all the huey lewis stuff? if so, what change you then? the look in her eyes? if so go back to that more. explain that moment a bit.

 

[Dani Pace]

Hey, those lyrics aint half bad. Kind of reminds me of something Lenny Kravitz might do. You might change the phrasing on a line or two just so more people can place themselves into the "state of mind," and relate to the feelings you are trying to convey. People like songs that say something about how they feel and things they have experienced, I think others will be able to relate to what you are saying. You might have a winner with this one. Keep up the good work, and good luck with it.

 

[JaQsonA1]

Hey, those lyrics aint half bad. Kind of reminds me of something Lenny Kravitz might do. You might change the phrasing on a line or two just so more people can place themselves into the "state of mind," and relate to the feelings you are trying to convey. People like songs that say something about how they feel and things they have experienced, I think others will be able to relate to what you are saying. You might have a winner with this one. Keep up the good work, and good luck with it.

i agree with Dani, the lyrics are actually pretty cool. keep in mind if you have to explain a particular phrase of a song in more detail so that other people can understand what you are saying then you may want to work on it a little more. try to give people a visual image of what you are saying in other words, get their imaginations involved in the song so that when they hear it it will remind of their lost moment. but all in all i will give it a rating of good.

 

[Michael Wilson]

Lost In Somethin'....

Your lyrics are nothin' better then average. It's hard to understand the song's meaning.Reader's lose interest before the song is even half-finished.But,lyrics aren't everything.Throw in some awesome guitar and this could be a good song. Good luck,man!!! -M.W.

 

[LimoWreck]

Is this a country song? The lyrics sound country to me.