partial demo for new song -- "Enemies"

[icystorm]

I always like the constructive criticisms and critiques I receive to my lyrics and demos here. Comments here allow me to rethink things that may not be working. If some of my lyrics (below) seem mundane, please feel free to share your insight.

BTW, the mix is just an unfinished demo of the first verse and chorus.

http://www.box.net/shared/p2xtk8lbd0

Thanks!

Enemies

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3 and Acoustica Mixcraft 4.1
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: Betrayal
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2008

verse 1

Patience resolves the chase
Pain is the loser's fate
Savor the last embrace
She settled the score now her love is no more
Worship your lover's hands
Cherish her wedding band
Pray from the distant land
For a heart never won
and her love that's no more

chorus

The tears you cry will never dry
The love I gave you never dies
The endless truth of fears and lies
The final scene of hell's goodbye
Hateful prayers, we're enemies
I lost your love's eternal flame
Adore or loathe your enemy
The pain of love will never fade

verse 2

Justice concludes the race
Alone in an evil place
Forgive with a last embrace
She evened the score now her love has moved on
Release your lover's hand
Anguish her wedding band
Pray from the distant sands
For a love that's no more
Now her heart has moved on

chorus

The tears you cry will never dry
The love I gave you never dies
The endless truth of fears and lies
The final scene of hell's goodbye
Hateful prayers, we're enemies
I lost your love's eternal flame
Adore or loathe your enemy
The pain of love will never fade

chorus

The tears you cry will never dry
The love I gave you never dies
The endless truth of fears and lies
The final scene of hell's goodbye
Hateful prayers, we're enemies
I lost your love's eternal flame
Adore or loathe your enemy
The pain of love will never fade

(repeat chorus through fade)

Joseph (icystorm)

 

[byzantine]

the melody itself is really nice! sounds like a cooperation of the bee gees and the pet shop boys. but i would reduce the effects... to make it short, if you change the arrangement this could be a really cool song!

 

[Oancient1]

The endless truth of fears and lies

"Truth of lies" is too illogical for me. Maybe go with:

the endless stream of fears and lies

or

the neverending fears and lies

tom

 

[icystorm]

the melody itself is really nice! sounds like a cooperation of the bee gees and the pet shop boys. but i would reduce the effects... to make it short, if you change the arrangement this could be a really cool song!

"the bee gees" Great!

"the pet shop boys" Oh no!

Seriously, thanks for listening and commenting. Barry Gibb is my greatest musical influence.

Good point about the effects. I worried that I may have gone too far, so your point is well taken.

What about the arrangement would you recommend changing?

Cheers,
Joseph (icystorm)

 

[icystorm]

"Truth of lies" is too illogical for me. Maybe go with:

the endless stream of fears and lies

or

the neverending fears and lies

tom

Thanks for listening, Tom. I like your suggestions! I'll consider it.

Joseph (icystorm)

 

[Strat1958]

I love your songs Joseph. The production values are great as well.

I think most listeners don't get too hung up on lyrics - the overall sound of the song and the melodic hooks are what draw most of us to the songs we like.

With a few exceptions, who ever heard of a "hit lyric"?

Go for the sound & feel of the song, dude - and so far yours is great, IMHO.

 

[up-fiddler]

Another nice start

Joseph - This is a great start to another of your pop specials. For my taste I would like to see you drop the effects from the vox. You have a great voice and should let it stand up in the mix rather than burying it with chorus, verb, and delay.

Chorus - The first two lines of the chorus are a bit too cliche' for me but the rest is easy to understand (in a good way) without the singsong nature of the first two lines. The chorus is typically 'hooky' so perhaps those two lines don't bother everyone else as much as they do me.

Nice effort. Post when you have the final version. I, for one, would like to hear it. (And I'm probably not alone.)

 

[icystorm]

I love your songs Joseph. The production values are great as well.

I think most listeners don't get too hung up on lyrics - the overall sound of the song and the melodic hooks are what draw most of us to the songs we like.

With a few exceptions, who ever heard of a "hit lyric"?

Go for the sound & feel of the song, dude - and so far yours is great, IMHO.

Thanks very much for listening and your kind words, Strat1958. Sorry for the delayed response. I was away.

Best regards,
Joseph

 

[icystorm]

Joseph - This is a great start to another of your pop specials. For my taste I would like to see you drop the effects from the vox. You have a great voice and should let it stand up in the mix rather than burying it with chorus, verb, and delay.

Chorus - The first two lines of the chorus are a bit too cliche' for me but the rest is easy to understand (in a good way) without the singsong nature of the first two lines. The chorus is typically 'hooky' so perhaps those two lines don't bother everyone else as much as they do me.

Nice effort. Post when you have the final version. I, for one, would like to hear it. (And I'm probably not alone.)

Thanks very kindly for listening and commenting, Up-Fiddler. I definitely agree that the vocal effects are too heavy. I apologize for the delayed response. I was away.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[ido1957]

I think the upbeat music is great. It surprised me really after reading the lyrics I thought it might be a slower song. Good lyrics too, nice meter, rhyme and vocabulary.

The chorus was okay but I was waiting for a crescendo which got close but didn't really appear. Okay, the last line does a bit so that's not a totally correct statement. I guess I was hoping the second and fourth lines would go higher in melody instead of lower. The way it is now, it has a "sameness" that would be good to change up. It's good the way it is but I would like to hear more tension and build up in the melody/chorus...

 

[icystorm]

I think the upbeat music is great. It surprised me really after reading the lyrics I thought it might be a slower song. Good lyrics too, nice meter, rhyme and vocabulary.

The chorus was okay but I was waiting for a crescendo which got close but didn't really appear. Okay, the last line does a bit so that's not a totally correct statement. I guess I was hoping the second and fourth lines would go higher in melody instead of lower. The way it is now, it has a "sameness" that would be good to change up. It's good the way it is but I would like to hear more tension and build up in the melody/chorus...

Thanks, Ido1957! I agree that the chorus needs something more. I'll work on it for the final demo.

Cheers,
Joseph