Opinions please

[Axis]

This is a song i just wrote a couple minutes ago, just had this sudden inspiration. Down at the bridge section ( i guess its the bridge) the lines in parentheses are everyone else doing those as a second line over the lead singers line. Tell me what you think





When Your screaming for some help
I can’t remember your name
When you ask for your seconds
I’ll remember you then

But it’s a wish on the water
The boat floating by
Is a sign that your walls are
Coming tumbling down

Its happened for the last time
Why can’t you

Keep me from the inside
Of your house in the summer time
The light your burn
Keeps me warm and insensable

The road you have traveled
Has paid off for the time
My choice is so painful
As the wishing well has shown

The fall downhill has broken
Every hope I ever owned
The touch is so painful
Yet its an imaginary thing

The answer is shining down on me
Why can’t you

Keep me from the inside
Of your house in the summertime
The light you burn
Keeps me warm and insensable

Its happened for the last time
(ke - ep me from your)
The bridge of our quest---------
(ho - use in the summerrr time)
The answer’s shining down on me
(the li - ght you bu – rn)
Why can’t you ever see------------------
ke - eps me wa - rm)

Solo

Keep me from the inside
Of your house in the summertime
The light you burn
Keeps me warm and insensable

Why can’t you ever see
Why can’t you ever see
Why can’t you ever see
Why can’t you………

 

[theron]

A bit hard to relate to the lyrics but that is OK. The lyrics are consitantly personal. so, you've maintained a chain of thought! This is a good thing.

In regards to the ()refrain, it is hard to tell but, my guess would be that a sylable overdose might happen on the second (ho - use in the summerrr time).


Liked I said, it is hard to say what is up without the delivery and timing.

From the lyrics alone, I'd say your fine.



Hope that helps some,

Theron.

 

[badgas]

I found it fairly easy to follow and have an idea of what's going on.
Like Theron said, you've maintained a constant in the point of the song, it seems.

This is just me, but I hear dark deep bass sounds in it.
Hope you post the complete song when it's finished, I'd like to hear it.

Good job.

 

[Axis]

Thanks,

Im having a writers block on the guitar.
Nothing i do seems to be right, I guess
im trying in all the wrong places.

 

[badgas]

We all have that problem.
It'll pass.

Something I do when I reach that spot is to work out, or walk for a long distance and drink lots of water.
A cleaning of the blood, oxegen to the brain and taking my mind off of it helps.

Sounds like work, but I've had decent results, and I feel better.