Opinions, again.

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Alright, so I don't have the greatest of skills, it's been proven, and I know now. But, what I'd like to know, is if I have any talent whatsoever from this verse from one of my songs.

I have no talent and I have no pride
I know it’s coming from myself I have no room to decide
The decision relies upon all of my fans
I slip on my socks and then I slip on my Vanns
I walk to my room and I start to write
I flip on a beat, nod my head and close my eyes
Think of what to say and I write it all down
I don’t care how it turns out or how it sounds
It’s from the heart no matter how it may go
Don’t tell me I suck because it’s something I already know
I don’t need to be told about everything I say
I know what I write, I read it every single day
I rap it all out and make sure it’s all good
I do it over and over til’ it sounds like it should
Verse after verse it just keeps comin’ on
So I write it all down until it’s all dead and gone


You can assume, it's a somewhat self-inflicting and some of it doesn't flow, so the reason I posted it, is I want to know what I should change, what I should do to make it better.

Please, let me know. I'd also like at least a rating 1-10, 10 being the best.

Any comments are appreciated, once again.

 

[Nick_Black]

actually, I like it, at first I had no idea how you would write music too it, but then I realized it was a rap. which fits alot better, you said it dosn't always flow... but the thing is, it doesn't alway's have to flow, get creative, put in some odd beats, so it sounds musicly purpusful (if that made any sense) I also like it becouse your singing (rapping) from your hart, not your brain. good job

 

[Re-Lapse]

actually, I like it, at first I had no idea how you would write music too it, but then I realized it was a rap. which fits a lot better, you said it doesn't always flow... but the thing is, it doesn't always have to flow, get creative, put in some odd beats, so it sounds musically purposefully (if that made any sense) I also like it because your singing (rapping) from your hart, not your brain. good job

Thanks, I appreciate the comment. By chance, do you have a band named Nick Black? I have one on my My Space named NickBlack and we talk quite often, their band is pretty sick.

But yeah, I can work with it, but I want professional opinions in some fashion, these professionals here know what they are doing and talking about, so I'm awaiting their approval/disapproval. No offense to you at all, I appreciate even reading the thread.

Thanks again.

 

[Freddy]

I'm not sure how many professionals there are here, mate!

There are a few who have made some money, and there is a lot of experience - but I doubt we have many professionals.

I'm not a pro, but you can have my view - since you asked.

Nothing wrong with what you did at all. I am not into rap, but I could see someone rapping to that.

I have no idea if that is what a rap audience wants to hear about. I think that rap may be one of the genres where lyrical content is still critical. I can't judge that.

My question comes from the other stuff in your post. It is this.....

What do you want?

I ask because your post reads almost as if you are saying.. "am I good, or should I go and do something else"? As if you are searching for a means to an end.

Will you enjoy the process of learning, and improving?

Or do you just want to arrive at this point?

This is key, because just about every songwriter (I think) is constantly trying to improve, and believes that they can get better .. including the really big names.

You have to enjoy the process.

So I ask.. what do you want? What can doing this stuff do for you?

If you are asking, "should I just give up?" I would say a resounding "NO" .. not as long as you are enjoying it. This song seems genuine to me.

 

[ido1957]

Good post Freddy......

The lyrics are good but there are a few spots where they don't flow...too many syllables sometimes. It's not groundbreaking but it has heart which counts for a lot.....

So....now that you know that.... take a few minutes and revise them and repost. That will show everyone - especially yourself - that you are willing to work at this a bit.

The hardest working people usually produce the best results - nothing comes for free (unless you're Paris Hilton of course lol).

You may not become the next JZ but you can have some fun and some success if you continue working on it. Feel free to share your stuff with the HR forum and try and comment on other's stuff too, as all opinions matter....

 

[Re-Lapse]

I'm not sure how many professionals there are here, mate!

There are a few who have made some money, and there is a lot of experience - but I doubt we have many professionals.

I'm not a pro, but you can have my view - since you asked.

Nothing wrong with what you did at all. I am not into rap, but I could see someone rapping to that.

I have no idea if that is what a rap audience wants to hear about. I think that rap may be one of the genres where lyrical content is still critical. I can't judge that.

My question comes from the other stuff in your post. It is this.....

What do you want?

I ask because your post reads almost as if you are saying.. "am I good, or should I go and do something else"? As if you are searching for a means to an end.

Will you enjoy the process of learning, and improving?

Or do you just want to arrive at this point?

This is key, because just about every songwriter (I think) is constantly trying to improve, and believes that they can get better .. including the really big names.

You have to enjoy the process.

So I ask.. what do you want? What can doing this stuff do for you?

If you are asking, "should I just give up?" I would say a resounding "NO" .. not as long as you are enjoying it. This song seems genuine to me.

Great post.

My question? Well, I want opinions, so I can improve. No, I'm not going to give up, I went through that stage til' I realized I'm not going to give up on something I love.
I love music.
I love Rap.
I love HipHop
I love Rock
I love Metal
I love Oldies
I love everything musical.

I played drums in a band.

I played the tuba in the school band.

I played the bass guitar in another band.

I taught myself the electric guitar.

I own a 100 year old piano, and a radio shack keyboard not worth much.

So, if I own all these, I love music so much, I have all the equipment and experience that I should be able to start off somewhere?.. Because I'm not musically talented right out of a box, it takes time, as you all have said, I need opinions, I need advice, anythingw ill help. I've had a few posts here, not this thread, but others, that told me to quit because I wasn't that great. But, to be honest, So what? I can only improve, I'm not going to quit. I love Music, I love writing, I love rapping, I love it all...

I'm going to continue, thank you for the comment.

 

[Re-Lapse]

Good post Freddy......

The lyrics are good but there are a few spots where they don't flow...too many syllables sometimes. It's not groundbreaking but it has heart which counts for a lot.....

So....now that you know that.... take a few minutes and revise them and repost. That will show everyone - especially yourself - that you are willing to work at this a bit.

The hardest working people usually produce the best results - nothing comes for free (unless you're Paris Hilton of course lol).

You may not become the next JZ but you can have some fun and some success if you continue working on it. Feel free to share your stuff with the HR forum and try and comment on other's stuff too, as all opinions matter....

No, I may n ot be the next Jay-Z but then again, I'm not black so I can't, . But, I may make a lot of success out of this if I choose to, but at this point it's remaining as a side project, a simple hobby. I'm working full time, so I can't focus 100% on it at this point, but if I enjoy it as much as I do now, I'll continue and throw myself into the game eventually. But, right now, my career choice is a Computer/Electrical Engineer. So, music might not be my career of choice, but it'll sure remain a hobby that I love to do, day in, and day out.

Thanks.

I will work on the verse again, and re-post it revised, and see what the difference was, if any at all. Any suggestions?

 

[Freddy]

Cool.

I suspect a lot of people are attracted to rap because it seems easy (not saying you are). I also suspect that it is far from easy to do well. I wouldn't know where to start, but it could be fun to try - and it would teach me a lot about how to build a rythmic fabric to work on.

OK, we only have the lyrics to go on.

We have an idea. Good, that gives us something to work with.

It seems to be about you, and about rapping. It also seems to be about persistence. Think about what you want to say - what you want to get across.

What do you want the listener to feel? I don't mean "oh, that's good". That's what they think. What do you want them to feel? An emotion. Probably just one.

Strip out anything that doesn't quite fit.

I can tell you the lines I like. You may like others. Build it and rewrite. We all rewrite and rewrite (except those few times when something comes as a gift, fully formed).

The lines I like ...

"I have no talent and I have no pride"

Nice start .. I can relate to that.

"It’s from the heart no matter how it may go"

I don't like the "don't tell me I suck" line, sorry.

These are OK.. you are getting into a flow here..

"I don’t need to be told about everything I say
I know what I write, I read it every single day
I rap it all out and make sure it’s all good
I do it over and over til’ it sounds like it should
Verse after verse it just keeps comin’ on
So I write it all down until it’s all dead and gone"

Simplify. Make it easy to deliver.

Look for ways to say things slightly differently. It is always pleasing when the listener think they know what's coming and something unexpected (but natural) comes instead.

Don't focus on you. Yes, you are your subject matter, but you are Everyman. Focus on what you want to communicate to the listener. Take "you" out of the song altogether if it helps - it will still be "you".

One thing to beware of. When I was 17, I wrote a lot of songs about me and what I was feeling. Nobody was really interested in my inner workings or my angst. However, I learned that they ARE interested in what a song does to THEM. And they can probably identify with what you are saying if you keep it simple and make it universal. Better still if you can tell them a STORY.

There are some good books to read. I am currently reading two.. both recommended on here. "Tunesmith" by Jimmy Webb and "Song Writers on Song Writing" by Paul Zorro. I don't know what there is on rap, or how rap is constructed (intro, verse, chorus, etc..) but I suspect that many of the same rules apply, and that they build as they progress. The only rap I have ever really got into (other than some of the VERY early stuff) is The Streets.

Both provide different ways of thinking about how to construct songs.

I don't know what there is on rap, or how rap is constructed (intro, verse, chorus, etc..) but I suspect that many of the same rules apply, and that they build as they progress. The only rap I have ever really got into (other than some of the VERY early stuff) is The Streets.

Also, take some songs you like apart. How have they been constructed? Good songs are not a happy accident, and you can learn a lot from that.

Good luck!

 

[ndutle]

this sounds really dorky.....but sit down and try to rap some shakespeare, even if it doesn't rhyme. It's all(most) in iambic pentameter, which, if you don't know, means that there are 10 syllables a line, and the accent goes down/up on successive syllables. There is a definite rhythm when spoken aloud, and through studying things like this, it makes it easier to find it in yourself.
Also, don't be afraid of a thesaurus...they are amazing things if you are looking for a 2 syllable word that means the same as a 3 syllable one.

 

[Re-Lapse]

Cool.

I suspect a lot of people are attracted to rap because it seems easy (not saying you are). I also suspect that it is far from easy to do well. I wouldn't know where to start, but it could be fun to try - and it would teach me a lot about how to build a rythmic fabric to work on.

OK, we only have the lyrics to go on.

We have an idea. Good, that gives us something to work with.

It seems to be about you, and about rapping. It also seems to be about persistence. Think about what you want to say - what you want to get across.

What do you want the listener to feel? I don't mean "oh, that's good". That's what they think. What do you want them to feel? An emotion. Probably just one.

Strip out anything that doesn't quite fit.

I can tell you the lines I like. You may like others. Build it and rewrite. We all rewrite and rewrite (except those few times when something comes as a gift, fully formed).

The lines I like ...

"I have no talent and I have no pride"

Nice start .. I can relate to that.

"It’s from the heart no matter how it may go"

I don't like the "don't tell me I suck" line, sorry.

These are OK.. you are getting into a flow here..

"I don’t need to be told about everything I say
I know what I write, I read it every single day
I rap it all out and make sure it’s all good
I do it over and over til’ it sounds like it should
Verse after verse it just keeps comin’ on
So I write it all down until it’s all dead and gone"

Simplify. Make it easy to deliver.

Look for ways to say things slightly differently. It is always pleasing when the listener think they know what's coming and something unexpected (but natural) comes instead.

Don't focus on you. Yes, you are your subject matter, but you are Everyman. Focus on what you want to communicate to the listener. Take "you" out of the song altogether if it helps - it will still be "you".

One thing to beware of. When I was 17, I wrote a lot of songs about me and what I was feeling. Nobody was really interested in my inner workings or my angst. However, I learned that they ARE interested in what a song does to THEM. And they can probably identify with what you are saying if you keep it simple and make it universal. Better still if you can tell them a STORY.

There are some good books to read. I am currently reading two.. both recommended on here. "Tunesmith" by Jimmy Webb and "Song Writers on Song Writing" by Paul Zorro. I don't know what there is on rap, or how rap is constructed (intro, verse, chorus, etc..) but I suspect that many of the same rules apply, and that they build as they progress. The only rap I have ever really got into (other than some of the VERY early stuff) is The Streets.

Both provide different ways of thinking about how to construct songs.

I don't know what there is on rap, or how rap is constructed (intro, verse, chorus, etc..) but I suspect that many of the same rules apply, and that they build as they progress. The only rap I have ever really got into (other than some of the VERY early stuff) is The Streets.

Also, take some songs you like apart. How have they been constructed? Good songs are not a happy accident, and you can learn a lot from that.

Good luck!

Thank you SO much for your input, this happens to be the best explained input I have gotten, I'm on the right road now, so I'm going to keep going at it, and hit the bricks hard until I can get this thing down.

I appreciate this incredibly, it's given me so much inspiration to just sit down and keep getting better.

 

[Re-Lapse]

this sounds really dorky.....but sit down and try to rap some shakespeare, even if it doesn't rhyme. It's all(most) in iambic pentameter, which, if you don't know, means that there are 10 syllables a line, and the accent goes down/up on successive syllables. There is a definite rhythm when spoken aloud, and through studying things like this, it makes it easier to find it in yourself.
Also, don't be afraid of a thesaurus...they are amazing things if you are looking for a 2 syllable word that means the same as a 3 syllable one.

It doesn't sound dorky, actually I've tried that. It helps, but the fact of the matter is, one huge thing is I haven't found my voice, and I choose the wrong words. That's my main thing, I have awesome flow and I can flow to anything, to be honest. It doesn't show, but it will. I'll prove it in time.

never the less, thanks for your input as well, it's appreciated to the highest extent, I've probably said this a billion times because I'm soo appreciative of this opportunity to come into a forum community and BE somebody, and MAKE something of myself.

Thank you HR BBS Forum Community!