OK, my turn to submit something for ripping apart

[Jagular]

Alright, I posted this on the MP3 mixing clinic awhile back for comments on the production. I am considering going back and retracking the lead vocal and changing a few other things. That being the case, I'm submitting this for some feedback. If I can find some ways to improve the song (especially in lyric content) now would be the time if I'm going back under the hood anyway. I would appreciate any feedback you guys could give.

There are two versions. They are both the same. I was just experimenting with a brickwall compressor, so go ahead and choose your poison .

The Gift


The Gift


Verse: Sittin' on the front porch, head in my hands
The day my mom turned thirty-three
Hopin' and prayin' she wouldn't be mad
When she found no gift from me

Verse: I heard the slam of the screen door, the beat of her step
Felt her arm around my shoulder
She asked "what's wrong" and she just smiled
When I broke down and told her (she said)

Chorus: Son don't worry and dry your eyes
What you've given me will outlive time
One day I know you'll realize
The greatest gift I ever knew
Is the love I share with you

Verse: Twenty years later with a boy of my own
Arm around my pride and joy
That’s when I realized what mamma had known
When I was just a boy

Verse: His tears were falling, staining the pavement
On that fathers day
I knew how he hurt, at that moment
And I knew what to say (I said)

Chorus: [Repeat]

Bridge: Last night I dreamed that I woke up in heaven
And I walked around afraid
That I would be found out and told not to stay, then
God took my hand and said

Chorus: [Repeat]

 

[Rodeo]

Well John you've sorta cheated by posting such a well produced piece of work. There's not much I can say as it is very damn good. But seeing as you're redoing the vocal track I'll make some natty suggestions which you'd be best ignoring but will give you my honest thoughts.


Basically the first verse needs to be articulated as clearly as possible. This is becuase this song is not your typical pop, one-line hook kinda stuff; it's a country ballad with a well-worded story that asks you to listen to the narrative, not just hear the singing. So that verse needs to be well articulated so the story is very clear, and the chorus, which is perfect IMO, is explained.

So apart from making the vocals as clear as possible, here's my revision of the lyrics to set the scene of the story as clear as possible; hopefully without detracting too much from your convincing imagery.

Verse: I was young, on that front porch, head in my hands
The day my mom turned thirty-three
Hopin' and prayin' she wouldn't be sad
When she found no gift from me

('Sad' fits in with this song - 'mad' doesn't! lol. It just stuck out to me)

BTW can I just ask - Why didnt you get her a gift and then feel miserable about it? Did you just forget? lol!

Great song; you're obviously a pro of some experience. Get outta here!


BTW make sure the word'gift' stands out as much as possible when you're layering the new vocs.
What about in the chorus "The single gift..."(pause music) "that I hold true, etc"

 

[spooks-need-pa]

your song gives me an overwhelming urge to shove a spork into my eye. But then again i guess country isnt my thing.

But, if country WAS my thing i would say it was awsome.. i think. In my opinion the lyrics are cliched beyond belief and they make me shiver.

 

[Jagular]

Well John you've sorta cheated by posting such a well produced piece of work. There's not much I can say as it is very damn good. But seeing as you're redoing the vocal track I'll make some natty suggestions which you'd be best ignoring but will give you my honest thoughts.


Basically the first verse needs to be articulated as clearly as possible. This is becuase this song is not your typical pop, one-line hook kinda stuff; it's a country ballad with a well-worded story that asks you to listen to the narrative, not just hear the singing. So that verse needs to be well articulated so the story is very clear, and the chorus, which is perfect IMO, is explained.

So apart from making the vocals as clear as possible, here's my revision of the lyrics to set the scene of the story as clear as possible; hopefully without detracting too much from your convincing imagery.

Verse: I was young, on that front porch, head in my hands
The day my mom turned thirty-three
Hopin' and prayin' she wouldn't be sad
When she found no gift from me

('Sad' fits in with this song - 'mad' doesn't! lol. It just stuck out to me)

BTW can I just ask - Why didnt you get her a gift and then feel miserable about it? Did you just forget? lol!

Great song; you're obviously a pro of some experience. Get outta here!


BTW make sure the word'gift' stands out as much as possible when you're layering the new vocs.
What about in the chorus "The single gift..."(pause music) "that I hold true, etc"

Thanks for the comments. I'll keep them in my mind when I do some retracking. I particularly like the sad vs. mad comment. I think that would be a nice tweak.

Well this isn't based on any real life experience of mine, so I can't answer the question on why I didn't get her a gift. Funny you mention it though. I had one critique here in Nashville once that said kind of the same thing, that they would like to know why (in the song) why the child couldn't get his mom a gift. My initial thought would be that it was a money issue. I'm not sure I can fit that all in the song though. It's already over 4 minutes long .

Pro??? lol... hardly. That would indicate that I was making some money at this. Wait... let me check my pockets...nope none there...lol.. I started writing semi seriously about 7 years ago now including the latest 3 year hiatus since we moved to Nashville (new house, child, job....) and this was my first serious attempt at a good recording at home (I had an old Tascam 4 trk cassette recorder that I cut my teeth on and got some pretty "interesting" sounding stuff out of it ).

Thanks for the kind words and especially for the thoughtful reply.

 

[Jagular]

your song gives me an overwhelming urge to shove a spork into my eye. But then again i guess country isnt my thing.

But, if country WAS my thing i would say it was awsome.. i think. In my opinion the lyrics are cliched beyond belief and they make me shiver.

Hey!!! Careful with that spork

Thanks for listening even though it's not your style of music.

 

[spooks-need-pa]

haha, yeah good recording nonetheless

 

[Layla Nahar]

Well. I'm going to go out on a limb here, seeing as how I've just "produced" my first song, and it sounds pretty lousy, so I know how hard it is to get the sound your after. But.

I think you arrangement makes this song too typical. It's the drums and piano. I think if you played this song with just the guitar, and really worked dynamics of the guitar so it reflects the emotions of the song and make a complement or contrast to the rhythms implicit in the poetry, that that would make this really stand out, and make what is really a personal story even *more* personal. Country isn't my taste, and I don';t hear that much, but I have heard enough to get the impression that many produced country songs sound like yours. I think yoiu need to do something else to make your song stand out.

ps: I feel a little bad telling you this, cause the results of your work are so good - it sounds so professional.

 

[Jagular]

Well. I'm going to go out on a limb here, seeing as how I've just "produced" my first song, and it sounds pretty lousy, so I know how hard it is to get the sound your after. But.

I think you arrangement makes this song too typical. It's the drums and piano. I think if you played this song with just the guitar, and really worked dynamics of the guitar so it reflects the emotions of the song and make a complement or contrast to the rhythms implicit in the poetry, that that would make this really stand out, and make what is really a personal story even *more* personal. Country isn't my taste, and I don';t hear that much, but I have heard enough to get the impression that many produced country songs sound like yours. I think yoiu need to do something else to make your song stand out.

ps: I feel a little bad telling you this, cause the results of your work are so good - it sounds so professional.

Thanks for the feedback. Don’t feel bad about throwing in your .02. You have some very good points. If I produce a CD of my own some day this song could very well take that direction. For now I’m doing songs for songwriter demo purposes so the “establishment” here in Nashville tends to like an at least 4 instrument demo.

Also considering I play everything and record & mix myself and I’m not terribly proficient at any of those….

Thanks for the feedback. It is appreciated.

 

[limoguy]

Hey Jagular,

Overall I really like this! It flows well, it locks in the listener in giving him just enough info to make us want to turn the page to find out what happens.

I like the transition in the theme from mother to father as the story progresses.

Only thing I might have done different is shorten the bridge. I usually like to keep 'em down to not more than two lines. Also I'm not quite sure if I follow your ryhming scheme, but hey it's very hazy in here! LOL

Good write bud! Keep up the good work!

Limoguy/ JM .02

 

[Jagular]

Re: re: OK, my turn to submit something for ripping apart

Hey Jagular,

Overall I really like this! It flows well, it locks in the listener in giving him just enough info to make us want to turn the page to find out what happens.

I like the transition in the theme from mother to father as the story progresses.

Only thing I might have done different is shorten the bridge. I usually like to keep 'em down to not more than two lines. Also I'm not quite sure if I follow your ryhming scheme, but hey it's very hazy in here! LOL

Good write bud! Keep up the good work!

Limoguy/ JM .02

Thanks for the listen & the comments.

About the rhyme scheme...ssshhhh (I took a couple liberties for the sake of the story)