OK-Give it a look before I record next week

[up-fiddler]

Here is a lyric with which I'm not yet comfortable. Any serious advice will be kindly taken. Thanks in advance, Dave.
Where?
c2006 Dave Morehouse - In the Chips Production

Hands in my pockets
Starin' at my shoe
Leanin' on my right leg
Nothin' much to do

Standin' on a street corner
People look at me
I'm not lookin' for trouble
But it always finds me

Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go.....

They call me the wolf
I can't tell you why
I never chased a deer
Not once in my life

They shoot at my head
They shoot at my feet
I swear to God
They want me dancin' in the street

Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go.....

Now that you heard it
You can sing my song
I can't stick around
Probbly die before too long

Don't you cry
Or wail for me
There's a million other kids
Just standin' by the street
Where did they go wrong?
Where did they go.....

 

[Folkie]

DISCLAIMER: Your words, your song. Do with it what you like--these are just some ideas I came up with since you asked....

Like I mentioned in the other post, you could cycle the song by pluralizing the first verse:

Hands in their pockets
Starin' at their shoe
Leanin' on their right leg
Nothin' much to do

Ties in the "million other kids".

The second line of the second verse could be reworked. What I read (it might be different listening) is "me" as your rhyming word in line two and four. I have this thing about redundancy, especially with rhymes. It's been done successfully in other songs, of course, but it could be changed here. Line 2 would be a better place than line 4--it strikes me as more of a throw away, filler line than 4. So, instead of "people look at me" , perhaps something ending with the word "see" to keep the rhyme and the "visual" image.

Your "Where did I go wrong? Where did I go..." has me a bit confused due to the elipsis at the end. Does the second line repeat the first? Or does it stop as you've written it with "Where did I go?" (That's the problem with the written word. Those three dots means the line continues, or maybe trails off.) I actually like it better with "Where did I go?" (I also wondered how the song would feel if that line was changed to "Where do I go?"--especially in the last part with the million kids. Becomes less character description and more social commentary.)

I like the very last "Standin' by the street". You expect to hear "in the street"--your line is fresher that way. (Please don't tell me it was a typo, even if it was. )

That's all the advice I've got--use it or throw it away as you see fit--as I said, your song, your words. I think it's pretty good, myself. Good luck.

 

[Folkie]

I just realized that what I said above sounds funny, or at least, unclear--When I mention pluralizing the first verse, I meant at the END of the song. IOW, keep the first verse as you have it, but repeat it at the end of the song with the plurals. Sorry--I posted it in a hurry.

 

[up-fiddler]

Thanks gobs! I am working the song in two directions at the moment. I hope to have something up by the end of the week so people can listen. Dave.