gecko zzed
Grumpy Mod
Preamble
Firstly, I want to thank all those who contributed towards this challenge. I felt nervous in trying to follow in Dave's footsteps in setting a challenge, but I am pleased that we have a good mix of contributions.
More importantly, I am impressed by the thought that has gone into these, and it is apparent that the contributors have all made special efforts to present well-crafted lyrics (at least in my view).
I note the various interpretations of the theme of 'emptiness', and I find this diversity highly satisfying and most exciting. Well done everyone, and I look forward to hearing how they turn out in song.
Set free ~ cnix
"It’s not the ending I had planned.
Her crumpled picture in my hand."
These two wonderful lines start this song. It's almost like the start of a novel, and sets up everything that follows. They offer intrigue and excite curiosity, and you are compelled to read on to find out more. We then read about the emptiness following a parting of the ways, though we never get to hear the cause of the parting. That's not a bad thing; it allows the reader to speculate and supply their own source of misfortune.
The lyrics of the chorus make me a little nervous. They are not rare. However, given the right musical treatment, they would work well. The first verse is lyrically the strongest. But all in all, this is a great embodiment of the theme of the challenge, i.e. emptiness.
WHen I first compiled the challenge entries, I mistakenly (in a moment of brain fade) assumed that Charlie was the name of the song, not the writer. I remember thinking at the time what an awesome name for a song it was, adding a personal dimension to it and increasing the mystery. Who is/was Charlie? Though I corrected the mistake, I was a little disappointed that it was a mistake!
Gone ~ Strat1958
Another set of lyrics with a great opening couplet:
"Empty house, empty streets
Same old same old, just repeats"
Like Cnix's lyrics, the opening sets up everything that is to follow. Here I immediately get the sense of empty tedium. I have a particular affinity for this set of lyrics, because I too use streets as a metaphor quite often. When Mike posted these lyrics, he prefaced his first cut with "Well, this is definitely going to be the most depressing song I have written...not much positivity around the theme of empty or emptiness!" It is interesting that it is probably the most optimistic of these emptiness songs, with a last line of "Yeah my emptiness is nearly gone".
There is only one line that disturbs me. I understand the rationale for "Pull some sunshine through the rain", but I wish there was a better way of expressing it. Perhaps "squeeze some sunshine from the rain", or if you want a bit of alliteration, "wring some sunshine from the rain".
Nonexistent ~ icystorm
Joseph's contribution is a song of unrequited love, and I have to agree with the hollow, empty sense of 'non-existence' that often accompanies that scenario. Songs of this theme are not rare, and so there is a lot of competition. I think Joseph has done a highly creditable job in pursuing this idea without slipping into the mundane.
Nevertheless, there are two lines that disturb me: "and it's a fact colder than steel", and; "and that's a curse hotter than Hell". The "steel" line disturbs me because, to me, it doesn't have the music that the other lines possess. It's like the line "This time I will not fail" in my contribution, with which I am likewise still dissatisifed for the same reason. The "Hell" line disturbs me for a different reason; I would be searching for something else to describe "hot" other than the fairly commonplace "Hell".
emptiness ~ louisv
Louisv's first language is, I believe, French (I know it is not English), and these linguistic differences often yield quirky and interesting results. This is no exception. What I like about this set is the whimsical emptiness portrayed in such a conversational way. Whereas the first three songs I looked at above had the absence of a desired one as the source of emptiness, this one deals more, I believe, with emptiness from exclusion and alienation.
Louisv has come up with a fine set of lyrics; terse, incisive, economical, yet not without considerable humour. I think I read Upfiddler's comment about the juxtaposition of a lawyer and a singer, and the highly-charged melancholic whimsy of "is your cat alright". Tom Waits, eat your heart out!
Emptiness ~ upfiddler
In the preceding sets of lyrics we have had mystery, loneliness, unrequited love and alienation as sources of emptiness. With Upfiddler's lyrics we get a more introspective, philosophical look at the theme. Being keen on ambiguity and the abstract, I am very drawn to these. Ambiguous lyrics allow multiple interpretations, and with these I found myself trying for a while to figure out what Dave had uppermost in his mind when crafting them. Irrespective of the inspiration for Dave, for me they dwell on unrealised opportunity; the window of adventure steadily closing as we near life's end.
As with Joseph's song and reference to "Hell", I'd be searching for other ways of expressing this. Nevertheless, I acknowledge that it is okay in the context
of the song as a whole.
yellow dress ~ nzausrec
Nzausrec's contribution was a last minute inclusion. It deals with the loss of a child sensitively and without too much sentimentality. It is hard to deal with difficult subjects such as this without turing them into maudlin messes, but nzausroc has avoided this well. The emptiness of grief is the theme here, but, as with Mike's song, there is a pink, sun-washed cloud of optimism in the last lines. The lyrics are understatement, thus, in my view, increasing the emtional impact. I don't feel inclined to change anything in this song.
Firstly, I want to thank all those who contributed towards this challenge. I felt nervous in trying to follow in Dave's footsteps in setting a challenge, but I am pleased that we have a good mix of contributions.
More importantly, I am impressed by the thought that has gone into these, and it is apparent that the contributors have all made special efforts to present well-crafted lyrics (at least in my view).
I note the various interpretations of the theme of 'emptiness', and I find this diversity highly satisfying and most exciting. Well done everyone, and I look forward to hearing how they turn out in song.
Set free ~ cnix
"It’s not the ending I had planned.
Her crumpled picture in my hand."
These two wonderful lines start this song. It's almost like the start of a novel, and sets up everything that follows. They offer intrigue and excite curiosity, and you are compelled to read on to find out more. We then read about the emptiness following a parting of the ways, though we never get to hear the cause of the parting. That's not a bad thing; it allows the reader to speculate and supply their own source of misfortune.
The lyrics of the chorus make me a little nervous. They are not rare. However, given the right musical treatment, they would work well. The first verse is lyrically the strongest. But all in all, this is a great embodiment of the theme of the challenge, i.e. emptiness.
WHen I first compiled the challenge entries, I mistakenly (in a moment of brain fade) assumed that Charlie was the name of the song, not the writer. I remember thinking at the time what an awesome name for a song it was, adding a personal dimension to it and increasing the mystery. Who is/was Charlie? Though I corrected the mistake, I was a little disappointed that it was a mistake!
Gone ~ Strat1958
Another set of lyrics with a great opening couplet:
"Empty house, empty streets
Same old same old, just repeats"
Like Cnix's lyrics, the opening sets up everything that is to follow. Here I immediately get the sense of empty tedium. I have a particular affinity for this set of lyrics, because I too use streets as a metaphor quite often. When Mike posted these lyrics, he prefaced his first cut with "Well, this is definitely going to be the most depressing song I have written...not much positivity around the theme of empty or emptiness!" It is interesting that it is probably the most optimistic of these emptiness songs, with a last line of "Yeah my emptiness is nearly gone".
There is only one line that disturbs me. I understand the rationale for "Pull some sunshine through the rain", but I wish there was a better way of expressing it. Perhaps "squeeze some sunshine from the rain", or if you want a bit of alliteration, "wring some sunshine from the rain".
Nonexistent ~ icystorm
Joseph's contribution is a song of unrequited love, and I have to agree with the hollow, empty sense of 'non-existence' that often accompanies that scenario. Songs of this theme are not rare, and so there is a lot of competition. I think Joseph has done a highly creditable job in pursuing this idea without slipping into the mundane.
Nevertheless, there are two lines that disturb me: "and it's a fact colder than steel", and; "and that's a curse hotter than Hell". The "steel" line disturbs me because, to me, it doesn't have the music that the other lines possess. It's like the line "This time I will not fail" in my contribution, with which I am likewise still dissatisifed for the same reason. The "Hell" line disturbs me for a different reason; I would be searching for something else to describe "hot" other than the fairly commonplace "Hell".
emptiness ~ louisv
Louisv's first language is, I believe, French (I know it is not English), and these linguistic differences often yield quirky and interesting results. This is no exception. What I like about this set is the whimsical emptiness portrayed in such a conversational way. Whereas the first three songs I looked at above had the absence of a desired one as the source of emptiness, this one deals more, I believe, with emptiness from exclusion and alienation.
Louisv has come up with a fine set of lyrics; terse, incisive, economical, yet not without considerable humour. I think I read Upfiddler's comment about the juxtaposition of a lawyer and a singer, and the highly-charged melancholic whimsy of "is your cat alright". Tom Waits, eat your heart out!
Emptiness ~ upfiddler
In the preceding sets of lyrics we have had mystery, loneliness, unrequited love and alienation as sources of emptiness. With Upfiddler's lyrics we get a more introspective, philosophical look at the theme. Being keen on ambiguity and the abstract, I am very drawn to these. Ambiguous lyrics allow multiple interpretations, and with these I found myself trying for a while to figure out what Dave had uppermost in his mind when crafting them. Irrespective of the inspiration for Dave, for me they dwell on unrealised opportunity; the window of adventure steadily closing as we near life's end.
As with Joseph's song and reference to "Hell", I'd be searching for other ways of expressing this. Nevertheless, I acknowledge that it is okay in the context
of the song as a whole.
yellow dress ~ nzausrec
Nzausrec's contribution was a last minute inclusion. It deals with the loss of a child sensitively and without too much sentimentality. It is hard to deal with difficult subjects such as this without turing them into maudlin messes, but nzausroc has avoided this well. The emptiness of grief is the theme here, but, as with Mike's song, there is a pink, sun-washed cloud of optimism in the last lines. The lyrics are understatement, thus, in my view, increasing the emtional impact. I don't feel inclined to change anything in this song.
