New song

  • Thread starter Thread starter heyman109
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heyman109

New member
I thought I might post this here. Its a new song. Tell me what you guys think.


Got to have somthing to do,
and your the one, I think its you.
But I know that you will never be right here.

Reality is somthing new,
I dont want to lose.
But I know that you will never be near.

Dizzy spells and happieness is happening again.
I wish that we could be more that just good friends.

Real happieness is sure new,
I know this is overdue,
But ill be there.

I dont know if we are through,
or our we making our debeut,
to be totaly prepared.

Dizzy spells and happieness is happening again.
I wish that we could be more that just good friends.

Please dont take this the wrong way
well be together some day,
Ill be unhappy untill then
Ill be unhappy untill then
Ill be unhappy untill then
Ill be unhappy untill then
untill then.


The song is called UNtill then, so tell me what you think. Im just 12 though so dont be too Harsh.
 
12 years old!I'm impressed...Very good work!You should do very good things if you stick to it!Do you play guit or piano?


Don
 
I mostly play drums, ive been playing for 5 years, but i also play guitar bass and a crapload of other instruments.
 
Wow!!! Very nice. I like the rhyme scheme you have going on there. 12 years old huh? Remarkable!!

I have just one critique for some food for thought. I can tell what you are getting at with the song (which is a good thing :)). I do see the occasional line that seems to be thown in just because it rhymes (or at least that's my perception). I would just say...strive that every line in a song is important and adds something to the meaning of the song. That is easier said than done. It would also help to hear it to music.

Dude, I think you have an excellent start especially considering all the instruments you play already. I showed a similar aptitude when I was a little older than you are. Unfortunately my parents didn't really support it. I would just say to you to keep on working these tallents and hopefully your parents will support you in them as you grow.

Very nice work dude.
 
Well Ive got 20 years on ya but thats better than most of the crap I write! Now Im getting beat out by 12yr old......well I guess its back to the drawing board. Keep up the great work man I think you may have something there!
 
hey heyman!

just ran through your lyrics for "Until Then." I dig it.

The only thing I'm missing is your structure. What part is the verse? What part is the chorus? You have enough thoughts here for a full song but I can't get a picture of how you deliver it without the structure. Much can be said in deciding which order to place your words.

I also agree with Jag's statements about throwing words in for rhyme scheme and scansion filler. That's kind of a no-no for serious craft but can be easily forgiven in certain genres (read: punk, emo, etc...)

good effort, man. I was singing "Over the Rainbow" in choir when I was your age.

Stone
 
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