New song - opinions welcome

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famous beagle

famous beagle

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Hey y'all,

Here's a demo of a new one. I'd appreciate any comments/opinions on the writing (melody, chords, lyrics, etc.) Thanks!

For the Better

Half of the time, I'm fooling around in somebody's eyes
Most likely your eyes
All of those times you called me child, it began to sink in
I feel it sink in

Half of my time's spent fooling myself, or so I am told
That's what I'm told
All of those times you'd argue with me; you need to feel stable
It's just what you need

Who's to say it was meant to happen this way?
Who's to say it's for the better?

Half of the time I'm chasing my tail and stuck in the past
Though it's all passed
All of those times you didn't come through, you think I would notice
You think that I'd see

(c) 2012 Sun City
 

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I think overall it's pretty good. Especially for just vocals & guitar.
I would have repeated the bridge at the end, possibly several times, and faded off on that. But that's just me.

The recording itself has several extraneous noises, but this is not the mp3 clinic, and you didn't ask for comments on the recording, so I won't comment.

Amanda
 
It's funny that you mentioned the ending. It wasn't until I actually recorded that take that I thought about how I was actually going to end it! :) This was just a quick demo where I recorded the vocals and acoustic at the same time using only one mic, so it's definitely not a full-fledged production or anything.

That's not a bad idea about going out on the bridge; maybe I'll give that a try.

Thanks for the listen and comments. :)

commanda said:
I think overall it's pretty good. Especially for just vocals & guitar.
I would have repeated the bridge at the end, possibly several times, and faded off on that. But that's just me.

The recording itself has several extraneous noises, but this is not the mp3 clinic, and you didn't ask for comments on the recording, so I won't comment.

Amanda
Click to expand...
 
Yes, I liked a lot of aspects of this. To elaborate, the vocal style suits the lyrics although the diction suffers here and there and I'm not sure if it's the vocal performance or the treatment that's hindering the clarity of a few words. I'm also wondering if the refrain at the end of each set of lines is the best use you have made of the limited amount space in the lyrics, I'm not suggesting it's good or bad, just simply flagging it as an area where you have options. For example did you start out aiming for the repetitions or are they fillers in the absence of something to say which might deliver more content to the listener? I like the couplet approach which shifts from the narative to the subject giving a strong impression of the song not being all about the me/I.

I think another area for thought is the wind down at the end of each set of lines which kind of intimated to my subconscious that the song was about to end before it jogged along into the next set of lines. Again I don't have a personal dislike of it but it did cause me to partially disengage with the piece only to have to unfold my ears again once I realised it wasn't ending. This was observed through a blind listening without the lyrics to act as a map which how I'd listen most songs.

The lyrics drew me towards an impression of an infactuation which has an air of innocence about it, that impression comes from the lack of assertion in the way you phrased the lines. I actually like that quality as it implies allusion, kind of like a teenager who is unable to fully articulate the fact that he is completely drawn to every aspect of another person and using a word like "child" might seem obvious when considering my observation, but to be honest I took that word out of the mix and based my impression on other language in the song. I'm not sure you need to have that obvious word in the song as overall the lyrics deliver that impression without you having state it.

These are observations which I hope will help you look at the song, and offered constructively.

Thanks for providing the opportunity to hear the piece.

Regards

Tim
 
You'll have to be very careful with your diction/enunciation so that sink in doesn't come out sinking.
Past & passed will also need some very scrupulous clarity to get by without seeming to be a repeat (which would echo previous lines) or a slip of the tongue.

It sounds way better than it reads.
I don't mean that your lyrics aren't any good rather that the melody & phrasing sell a sense of innocence or longing that aren't necessarily in the lyric.

The last two lines seem at odds with the rest of the narrative. I's suggest adding another verse to either develop the thought or a resolution.

Sounds like it'll be cool!
 
Phrasemaker: Thanks for the listen and the detailed response. I agree that the wordless refrain (the "Ah" melody) needs a smoother transition into the next verse. I'll have to work on that.

rayC: Thanks for your comments as well. I agree that the lyrics sound better than they look. I find that to almost always be the case in most songs, though there are a few exceptions. Now that you mention it, the "past" and "passed" thing doesn't really bother me. In other words, I wouldn't really mind if someone transcribed both words as "past." It would still make sense that way too. I don't think it would be possible to enunciate those words to be distinguishable from each other without sounding pretty ridiculous! :)
 
Though it's all passed >> Though it all has passed

Extra syllable, which may or may not work with the melody, but I think it distinguishes the meaning of "passed" vs "past".

Amanda
 
Too abstract for my taste, it needs more punch, remember the audience needs to relate to who and what you are saying.
 
Thanks for the listen. Wow ... too abstract? Then you'd probably hate most of my stuff! This is I think one of the most straightforward lyrics I've ever written! :)

blacklist said:
Too abstract for my taste, it needs more punch, remember the audience needs to relate to who and what you are saying.
Click to expand...
 
I read the lyric first and they worked...then I listened and it all worked very well I might add. really a nice melody for the lyric, nice voice and guitar..
 
Lane 1777: Thanks for the listen and the compliments! I enjoyed the melody on this one too. :)

Shimone: I'm glad to see that the emotion came through. It certainly has a story behind it.
 
It's brilliant mate, you're doing all the essentials of creating and performing very well. The song could be developed into a more dynamic structure perhaps or left as fairly simple - as it is. :cool:
 
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I very much like the lyrics and the melody. I also like your voice quality.

I am not so crazy about the stuff between the verses. To me, it does not seem to fit in. It seems uneven and jerky there and in a different style. JMO.

Other than that little thing, I think it is great!
 
I like this your lyric structure is great, it works really well with the guitar. I'd keep all the melody and guitar you have. The only thing I'd like is to hear some more, mainly expanding upon your last verse and using your third set of lines "Who's to say..." as a chorus; but mind you this is being hyper critical. I love stuff that isn't wonderful (happy) cause you have wonderful and you feel better and then you feel bad again then what? But ya i'm with commanda go elliott smith style and make that chorus or bridge a repeated section and end on the word better.
 
gazmacey: Thanks for the listen! Yeah I'm kind of on the fence as to whether the song should be flushed out more or if more of a bare bones approach would serve it better.

songbird7812: Thank you for the compliments and comments. I agree that it could flow more smoothly between those two sections. I'm still kind of tinkering with that, actually.

Stitch9: That's two votes for repeating that bridge section. Maybe I should really explore that some more. Yeah like I said earlier, I hadn't really given too much thought to the form just yet. I realize, though, that y'all don't know that; you simply hear the song as I recorded it and (rightly so) assume it's in its finished state. That's my fault for not mentioning that the form wasn't set yet. :)
 
oh i know its not finished thats why I gotta respond so fast to let you know that you should speak you're mind cause you're process is not within the limits of any time constraints but id say add more fire too your bridge or chorus (instrumentally) cause your words are spot on (throughout). the cynicism, which i think i sense, (in a very good way) should never be compromised; overbearing negative things are negative except in music where anything is possible with the right music and inflection. You have the perfect juxtaposition and dare i say adding a bowed cello and elongating the bridge... no that would be crazy foolish it would be too much of a perfect thing at that point... :D but only if you repeat that bridge.
 
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