New Song: "Me and You" (unfinished)

[DARKSHINE]

Hey all!

(I posted this in the songwriting section too, but I want feedback here as well)

It's only what I got up to tonight... (its nearly 3am, so buggered) so it's not finished... but its enough to get some feedback on. I just want to know if its sounding alright... I still don't like my voice, but I believe it sounds a lot better than in the last song I recorded (that was in a key that wasn't comfortable for me) ...

So yeah.
Probably the most poppy song I've made, but hopefully it doesn't come across too much as pop.

www.soundclick.com/danielcartisano

"Me and You"

you say, you say, we are moving further apart, away from your heart.
every time I wake up, wake up, I'm feeling like a tragic story, emotions blowing every spark

everything you tell me, already I know
just having trouble forking out the feelings I owe
all I ever want to do
is pick up all the pieces that you leave behind
that join together, forming a picture
of me and you
its all I ever knew

one day, one day, I'll take you to a place that I call home
so you can see how broken, broken, my life has become with all these thoughts making me feel numb

everything you tell me, already I know
just having trouble forking out the feelings I owe
all I ever want to do
is pick up all the pieces that you leave behind
that join together, forming a picture
of me and you
its all I ever knew

(more lyrics, but I haven't finished recording yet)


Let me know what you guys think, and if I'm on the right track!
Thanks!!
Daniel

 

[jeffmaher]

A good tune.

I remember that vocal ambiance: "The Mammas and the Pappas" 1967. "Monday, Monday..." "All the leaves are brown....."

I think you should pick a 'room' or 'hall' or some single space to keep the whole performance in. The verb on the vox puts the singers 30 feet away. The guitar player is at arm's length. The singers want to walk up to the guitarist and sway together.

I think your vocal should be dryer, and matching the guitar's small room verb. And all the FX on the vocal , parked. You don't need it. What's special about your voice is losing the battle for attention to the wash of verb and phase FX. Imagine Blunt's 'You are Beautiful' vox , with the same amount and type of FX as you have on your vocal. You cannot hear and appreciate your own voice the way others can and do. More important than 'good' or 'bad', your voice is interesting. Quit screwing with it!!!

And, of course, more cowbell.... arf

 

[DARKSHINE]

A good tune.

I remember that vocal ambiance: "The Mammas and the Pappas" 1967. "Monday, Monday..." "All the leaves are brown....."

I think you should pick a 'room' or 'hall' or some single space to keep the whole performance in. The verb on the vox puts the singers 30 feet away. The guitar player is at arm's length. The singers want to walk up to the guitarist and sway together.

I think your vocal should be dryer, and matching the guitar's small room verb. And all the FX on the vocal , parked. You don't need it. What's special about your voice is losing the battle for attention to the wash of verb and phase FX. Imagine Blunt's 'You are Beautiful' vox , with the same amount and type of FX as you have on your vocal. You cannot hear and appreciate your own voice the way others can and do. More important than 'good' or 'bad', your voice is interesting. Quit screwing with it!!!

And, of course, more cowbell.... arf

Thanks for the comments man.

I'm going to take what you said into consideration... I haven't touched the guitar yet, it was completely dry... haha but yeah I'm going to take the reverb off the vocals... I still don't know, I still need to do a bit more on this track but I want to wait till I get some more feedback.

Thanks a lot!
Daniel

And I know, I've got a fever, and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!

 

[Monkey Allen]

Hey Darkshine...I like the acoustic song you've put up here...your vocal is very breathy...sibilanty to some extent. There's a lot of work on those vocals...reverb and what not. I really like the sound that comes in around 1:20. What's that? Some kind of organ? I think you've got a good voice and I recommend that you treat it less...try and take off a bit of the sibilance with a de-esser. You can look at the frequency graph of your vocal using something ilke Voxengo SPAN. Watch it in real time and look out for where it jumps when you sing the words that start with 's'. Doing that will give you a general idea of where to aim the de-esser. Also...I thought the second vocal was inconsistent. You cuold try to have those a bit tighter. Good song. You've got the skills to perform...now work on the production.