New song... comments?

[notredamer0789]

Hey guys, I used to be in a band around the upstate of SC called ROADSIDE THEORY. We were pretty big, but due to problems in the band and school (my audio schooling) we had to call it quits. FOR NOW I am just doing solo stuff until something else pops it's head up, but I have a song here that I am working on. Very like piano/pop/rock very smooth and flowey. It needs tons of work already, but I would love some input (its just the first verse and chorus).

Untitled:

Verse:
You feel so bad, your heart's thinking bout that smile that he used to have
and it makes you sad

Its bad enough, when nothings on TV and no ones pickin' up... the telephone
you're all alone inside... thats why she said

Chorus:
Sure, go throw it all away, another life another time, another laugh another rhyme its all the same

my futures like yesterday, one more ride before the show, one more kiss before we go

and you'll be there to watch it all, watch it all go up in flames


...So I am working on the Chorus lyrics a little bit more anyways so they need work, but here is a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY ROUGH recording of what i have so far... everything was done in one take, but you can get the idea of it.
http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/file.php?id=11389

 

[ido1957]

Coming along nicely - I really like it!

 

[Xeries]

Sounds pretty good to me composition wise. Kind of a Chris Martin sound that's showing emotion - resignation - exasperation - exhaustion stuff like that. What doesn't work for me is the tremelo on the git. Just my opinion. Good start, I like the internal rhyme in the lyrics. Also the piano patch is a little muddy.

I realize that these are small nits and this is a WIP, but the tone is a distraction for me. Hope that doesn't offend you, didn't mean to. You're a good writer and singer.

I'd like to hear a take with just a clean piano patch like St. Concert from Roland, something like that. The starkness would be cool IMO. Then the git can come in later and give the song weight.