never been to san francisco

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ColinFerguson

ColinFerguson

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Hi,

I'm working on putting together an EP of some of my songs. I have a thread about it here.

This song is what I'd like to use for my opening track. It's acoustic folk, upbeat, and written in a more traditional style, with the hook at the end of each verse rather than in a chorus.

never been to san francisco

she said she'd never been to san francisco
she said she'd never seen the golden gate
though i guess she must've flown right over top
when she moved from vancouver to la
she was 19 then and beautiful
pale as canadian snow
now she lives in culver city never sees the sun
sprays her tan on in a studio
and she's never been to san francisco

there's a sh*thole bar in west hollywood
where the fading beauties go
'n down the hallway to the right you'll find the powder room
where she did her first bump of blow
she was 23 then and still an optimist
the city'd been hard on her though
she'd never seen the good side of a movie shoot
never even gotten close
and she'd never been to san francisco

there are too many pretty girls in los angeles
and all they ever do is cry
there are far too many dreamers
waiting tables waiting to die
she took a long hard look at that coastal highway
and to her it looked like hope
sometimes all you need is the will to change
and some place else to go
and she'd never been to san francisco

she said wait for me in north beach
where the ghost of jack kerouac roams
hold me close and whisper in my ear
darling welcome home
i want to grow old up by the bay
in a berkeley bungalow
i'll be down by the water every god-d*mned day
to watch the sun set over the bay
and the city of san francisco
 
I like the lyrics a lot. I enjoy the specifics of 'name dropping' places, as it makes me feel like the person has been there before and knows what they're talking about. It adds a lot of credibility to the song. Not sure I'd call blowing lines of coke in a shithole bar upbeat though. Old girlfriend of yours? Looking forward to putting the words to music. I've never worked in a restaurant, but I really liked the 'waiting tables, waiting to die' line.
 
Haha, I meant with a quick tempo, not necessarily "upbeat" in the sunshine and happiness sense.
 
It reads pretty well though there are some lines with enough syllables to choke a horse.
Some of the rhyming is approximate - & that's OK depending on how it's sung.
You'll need a good melodic tag for the SF line to hang on the end of each section.
I'm not sure tha Jack Kerouac works - it's too specific - I'd prefer just Kerouac.
The sun set OVER the bay - hmm, on might be better - the idea od setting sun is lowering & then below.

Section one
is the ambition, the leaving of home but also crash to reality
Section two
Reality & the loss of innocence
Section three
Survey of lost girls + new aspirations
The last section
Dreams - possibly unacheivable
There could be more consolidation of each section as descrete or you could flow more evenly between.
The narrators realtionship is unclear throughout. Perhaps that could be tweaked.
I'm offering ideas & perspective because your work has merit - not meaning to bash, burn or bury.
 
It reads pretty well though there are some lines with enough syllables to choke a horse.
Some of the rhyming is approximate - & that's OK depending on how it's sung.
You'll need a good melodic tag for the SF line to hang on the end of each section.
I'm not sure tha Jack Kerouac works - it's too specific - I'd prefer just Kerouac.
The sun set OVER the bay - hmm, on might be better - the idea od setting sun is lowering & then below.

Section one
is the ambition, the leaving of home but also crash to reality
Section two
Reality & the loss of innocence
Section three
Survey of lost girls + new aspirations
The last section
Dreams - possibly unacheivable
There could be more consolidation of each section as descrete or you could flow more evenly between.
The narrators realtionship is unclear throughout. Perhaps that could be tweaked.
I'm offering ideas & perspective because your work has merit - not meaning to bash, burn or bury.
 
I can see what you mean about it being very wordy, but that's a result of my being heavily influenced by Bob Dylan and early Springsteen. I realize it's not to everybody's taste but I like wordy lyrics.

There is a melodic resolution with the "and she'd never been to san francisco" line in each verse, I wish I had a recording to show you, I'm working on it!

I understand what you're saying about the relationship of the narrator being unclear, I might look into establishing him as a character more explicitly.

Thank you for your criticism, you've given me some things to think about.
 
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