Need some help finishing these lyrics

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Dark Imagery

Dark Imagery

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Instead of needing help with actual lyrics, I need help with content - a subject to write more lyrics on.

This song is very misanthropic and is about hating the "me first, me first, keep up with the Jones', give me give me" side of humantity.



verse 1:

The human inside of us has died
Hungry to touch what we can not feel
our gaping mouths fill with flies
bred from our own words' poison

We've lived too long

hungry to feel what we can not have
our hands clutch blades
kept warm in the backs of our brethren

We masturbate our greed
we feast
while the needys' whipped backs bleed

and they've live too long

Verse 2:

The man inside of us has died
We wrap our women's thighs around our lies

we've lived too long

in false moments of closeness
bastard sons beget bastard sons

-and I'm kinda lost from here

Thanks guys!
 
Look,

I don't know about you, but I don't meet so many people in my real life like the people you're railing about here. In my world most folks ain't so bad. Anybody can write this cynical stuff and get some zombies to nod their heads about how the world sucks. I for one see alot more evidence that folks are mostly OK. They're far from perfect and they want stuff they don't have but they're not destroying each other to get it.

You'll have better material if you lose the post-apocalyptic fantasy and try to see the world as it really is.

And get the knife out of my back
 
What genre is this directed at? Obviously not top 40 pop!
Why do you write? If you can answer those 2 then I can give a proportioned response.
Very clinically if it is ‘metal’, ‘industrial’ or ‘avant garde rap’ then these lyrics fall well within the genres. Outside of that I do not think they’ll breathe?
For me stand out lines that could lead into lots of different genres are
Hungry to touch what we cannot feel
In false moments of closeness
You have a great capacity to evoke images, though your move from one to the other too quickly . . . think ‘yes, and’ as you build images rather than ‘yes, also’.
Like many here I have been around the block a couple of times and while you have been efficient Beckett and Nietzsche did nihilism the best and take some beating. Look to the Doors ‘The End’ that borrows heavily from the latter’s work.
If you want to protest then you want to maximise your audience – so take popular commercial imagery ‘McDonalds, K-Mart, etc’ and juxtapose with other ideas. Like all those US bases where KFC, Pizza Hut and Burger King are set up while outside the locals starve. Or blowing up ‘innocents with a Big Mc in his hand’
Your highly poet (still provocative) language is a 'get out' clause – I don’t get poetry so I don’t listen. You clearly have a strong vivid visual imagination so write down in plain language what you want to say e.g . ‘I hate those who worship commercialism’ the take each word and write down all the things that you associate with each word of your defining phrase, then write down all the things that you associate with its opposite concept.
Take all those words on a page and start to see if there are any patterns or potential hook lyrics. Then build a story with the lyrics (sequential steps) with your verses, create a chorus that restates your central idea in a more image rich/symbolic/brief way and if you feel like it; find some lyrics that state a different perspective on the issue and make a bridge.
Then you wont be asking for help to finish the song, in fact you’ll possible have enough material to start several songs.
HTH
Burt
 
Whatmysay said:
What genre is this directed at? Obviously not top 40 pop!
Why do you write? If you can answer those 2 then I can give a proportioned response.
Very clinically if it is ‘metal’, ‘industrial’ or ‘avant garde rap’ then these lyrics fall well within the genres. Outside of that I do not think they’ll breathe?
For me stand out lines that could lead into lots of different genres are
Hungry to touch what we cannot feel
In false moments of closeness
You have a great capacity to evoke images, though your move from one to the other too quickly . . . think ‘yes, and’ as you build images rather than ‘yes, also’.
Like many here I have been around the block a couple of times and while you have been efficient Beckett and Nietzsche did nihilism the best and take some beating. Look to the Doors ‘The End’ that borrows heavily from the latter’s work.
If you want to protest then you want to maximise your audience – so take popular commercial imagery ‘McDonalds, K-Mart, etc’ and juxtapose with other ideas. Like all those US bases where KFC, Pizza Hut and Burger King are set up while outside the locals starve. Or blowing up ‘innocents with a Big Mc in his hand’
Your highly poet (still provocative) language is a 'get out' clause – I don’t get poetry so I don’t listen. You clearly have a strong vivid visual imagination so write down in plain language what you want to say e.g . ‘I hate those who worship commercialism’ the take each word and write down all the things that you associate with each word of your defining phrase, then write down all the things that you associate with its opposite concept.
Take all those words on a page and start to see if there are any patterns or potential hook lyrics. Then build a story with the lyrics (sequential steps) with your verses, create a chorus that restates your central idea in a more image rich/symbolic/brief way and if you feel like it; find some lyrics that state a different perspective on the issue and make a bridge.
Then you wont be asking for help to finish the song, in fact you’ll possible have enough material to start several songs.
HTH
Burt
Click to expand...

Man!

Good Post
 
Yeah, great post whatmysay! Thanks for taking the time to read, review, and give me some pointers as well as positive feedback. Yeah these lyrics are going on my black metal album. There's really no choruses in any of the songs on this album so I just need ideas to write verses. As far as maximizing the audience I completely agree, yet I'm trying to keep the lyrics old-world and fantasy based. Walmart and McDonalds may kill the dark setting of my lyrics :laughings:
 
Whatmysay said:
so write down in plain language what you want to say e.g . ‘I hate those who worship commercialism’ the take each word and write down all the things that you associate with each word of your defining phrase, then write down all the things that you associate with its opposite concept.
HTH
Burt
Click to expand...

Could you explain that to me again? That's an interesting idea just didn't really understand how you typed it.
 
Nah, you're doing alright. I like the negative images, the rejection, the horror and self loathing that is reflected in the rejection of the frailities around you. We hate in other what we refuse to see in ourselves after all.
verse 1:
The human inside of us has died
Hungry to touch what we can not feel
our gaping mouths fill with flies
bred from our own words' poison
We've lived too long
hungry to feel what we can not have
our hands clutch blades
kept warm in the backs of our brethren
We masturbate our greed
we feast
while the needys' whipped backs bleed
and they've live too long

Verse 2:
The man inside of us has died
We wrap our women's thighs around our lies
We dipped our fingers in other souls
and wiped our hands clean of the mess
we've lived too long
in false moments of closeness
bastard sons beget bastard sons
kept warm on the backs of our brethren
We exercise our greed
we devour
while blood pools beneath those in need
ah, they've live too long

Verse 3
Faint impressions of consumer joy
we collect as trophy pleasures
We scratch our words on another's page
And broadcaste it to the void
The words have lived too long
In lone moments we crave any touch
and settle for a torrent file
Kept safe in blankets of optical fibre
We exercise our need
we consume
while pools of self pity engulf us
Ah. we've lived too long
And the living is sustained
by the insults of those we've pained
as they damn us to a life long lived
in ever growing moments of false closeness
of greed
of unfulfilled need
Ah, but we've lived too long
Consume, scream into the void.
And when you can consume no more
THEN may you die.
 
Hey, great ideas man! Thanks for replying!
rayc said:

Faint impressions of consumer joy
we collect as trophy pleasures
We scratch our words on another's page
And broadcaste it to the void
The words have lived too long
Click to expand...

That stanza is awesome. I'm gonna try to use that idea but not in your own words. I like how you kept the "lived too long" motif going. You really understood this song. Thanks!
 
Milnoque said:
Look,

I don't know about you, but I don't meet so many people in my real life like the people you're railing about here. In my world most folks ain't so bad. Anybody can write this cynical stuff and get some zombies to nod their heads about how the world sucks. I for one see alot more evidence that folks are mostly OK. They're far from perfect and they want stuff they don't have but they're not destroying each other to get it.

You'll have better material if you lose the post-apocalyptic fantasy and try to see the world as it really is.

And get the knife out of my back
Click to expand...

Lol. Pwnd.
 
Came up with a few more this morning, see what you all think. Verses in bold are still works in progress but the ideas are there.

The human inside of us has died
we are empty vessels
floating like wraiths in the fields of the fallen
we've live too long

Hungry to touch what we can not feel
our gaping mouths fill with flies
bred from our own words' poison

Hungry to feel what we can not have
our hands clutch blades
kept warm in the backs of our brethren
We've lived too long

We masturbate our greed
we feast while the needy's whipped backs bleed
and they've live too long

The man inside of us has died
we wrap our women's thighs around our lies
in false moments of closeness
bastard sons beget bastard sons
they've lived too long

We stake our land
over other's graves
their monuments wash away
in the sweat of our slaves
they've been remembered too long

We paint on other's canvases
and believe we still create
we display them to a blind void
our hands have drawn too long
(thanks for the idea, rayc)!

God is a human design
tailored to fit your nation
so you can kill for the false word you've perched on high
along with its sparkling imagery
Your god has lived too long

We've already witnessed our peak
less than half of what it should have been
we could never coexsist
we've lived too long
 
You've developed this well.
I have to say I can't feel the metre or rhythm of it so look forward to hearing how you deal with it in musical terms.
 
Dark Imagery said:
This song is very misanthropic and is about hating the "me first, me first, keep up with the Jones', give me give me" side of humantity.
Click to expand...

Seems to be a mash up of nihilism and misanthropy.

Reminds me of the guy who said "Close the patent office, there is nothing left to invent"
 
rayc said:
You've developed this well.
I have to say I can't feel the metre or rhythm of it so look forward to hearing how you deal with it in musical terms.
Click to expand...

Thanks alot, Rayc. The meter is 6/8 and the vocals come in around beat 2 of each verse beginning. Can't wait to get it done and up here for you all!
 
Dark Imagery said:
Could you explain that to me again? That's an interesting idea just didn't really understand how you typed it.
Click to expand...

All I meant was that if you were having difficulty moving forward in 'lyric writing' then just go back to plain old prose and write out the story or imagery you want to go with next.

Once you've nailed the flow of the piece, take the key ideas and brainstorm all the words you associate with them (don't even try to write at this stage), once you've done that look for any patterns, jumping off point for more 'free association' or try to find the opposite to what you've written.

There is a whole load of cognitive science to this approach, but basically the right side of our brain has a great capacity to generate material which will build towards what ever solution (song, new scientific formula, advertising campaign) we are seeking. Unfortunately or left brain dominates, strangle our ideas before they have a chance to breath.

That said your recent efforts look like your creativity is in full flow.

There is greater clarity and the later verse provide a natural progression of images and a strong sense of development of your key ideas.

Hope you get it up soon so we can listen

Burt
 
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