My new set of lyrics (feedback appreciated)

[Phrasemaker]

Hi,

Having got my studio up and running a few months ago, I've already had one track with vocals in this part of the forum and subsequently in the MP3 clinic and would say I was helped a great deal by the comments. There were a few issues with the finished track, but having got a bit deep into it, I decided to park it for a while to reflect and try starting something new. I came up with another track and recorded it but struggled with being inspired enough to write lyrics for it, I simply couldn't engage with the track in a natural way, so having put it in the MP3 clinic and recieving no feedback I decided I was wasting energy and to be honest I now realise the track to be more of a learning tool in respect of what not to do in many ways, a bit like a kid with too many toys to play with lol.

So now I'm working with real intent on my second track which will be completed, as I find working on this one is compelling enough to enable a free flow of ideas. I have a sense of the music to go with the lyrics and can say here and now it will border on a slightly dark rock kind of groove. I'm crap at deciding genre as I find myself unable to be pigeon holed at any stage and prefer letting a track be what it becomes. I do have a draft music track part done.

Here are my lyrics thus far, I hope they have depth and bring out something that already exists within those who read or listen when it's tracked, which varies depending upon individual interpretations. I've tried to keep it simple but effective.


Many thanks for reading


Tim


Amateur Dramatics


Intro V

You tell me I’m the kind of friend you need to help you sleep at night…

Pleasant dreams…


If you only want me to play the part, I’ll tell you that it’s fine…
I can be what you want me to be,

and smile…

Chorus

Is it always the end that makes you cry? Or a special scene?
Tell me if you’d like me to pause right now, to show me what you mean.
Show me what you mean.


V2

You frame my thoughts with your open mind, arrange them perfectly.
I’d like to know if the camera is rolling, making a film about me?
Is it a film about me?


Chorus

Is it always the end that makes you cry? Or a special scene?
Tell me if you’d like me to pause right now, to show me what you mean.
Show me what you mean.


V3

Should I consider my closing lines? Do you have something to say?
Or do the credits roll over in silence, while the images fade…
the images fade.


Chorus

Is it always the end that makes you cry? Or a special scene?
Tell me if you’d like me to pause right now, to show me what you mean.
Show me what you mean.






.

 

[rayc]

Tim,
I really like the lead in because it's sure to pull a lot of folk into the song. It's a situation that many have been in & you visit the thought processes well - the development of the concepts within the clever conceit of a film - as viewer, actor, hand on the remote and critic is cool too.
the only bit I paused over was/is:

If you only want me to play the part, I’ll tell that it’s fine…
I can be what you want me to be,

& it's really only tell that is the issue. It's a difficult placement & chpoice of word. I'll not offer alternatives but in stead the suggestion that it makes the lines even more ambiguous - which you may want - but also keeps pulling me back to think of alternatives.
I look forward to reading more & hearing something too!

 

[Phrasemaker]

Hi Ray, Many, many thanks for looking this over. I missed out a word while typing my hand written copy into the computer. It should read "I'll tell you that it's fine" which it now does after I edited the original post. Now you have mentioned that line and definitely grasped where the writing is coming from, your comment in resepct of that line has given me something else to ponder, which is exactly the wonderful thing about working with like minded people on a decent forum.

I'll put a link up in the next couple of days so you can see where I'm at in terms of the sound I'm going for, I just have a few tweaks to action and a draft version will be ready fly. I hope all is good with you and that you are finding some time for creativity.

Many thanks

Tim

 

[famous beagle]

I think this certainly accomplishes your goal of wanting to bring out something that already exists in people. As Ray said, the opening is certainly compelling. It's difficult for me to comment on the rest of it without hearing it; I imagine the lines will achieve some more clarity within the phrasing of the melody. I usually have trouble interpreting lyrics without hearing them in the song.

 

[Phrasemaker]

Thanks for the feedback, famous Beagle, much appreciated. I have a draft version of the song which will hopefully do some justice to the lyrics. I have posted the link in this reply. I got a few bars of the music tracked to get a feel for how the track might come across during the writing and I've used that initial formula to get a whole track together to show the lyrics in context.

Ray, I hope this shows at this early stage that I have raised my expectations since I recorded my very first track, which you very kindly listenned to and gave me some critique which was much appreciated. I think I've listened and learned so hope there will be noticable improvement in my approach.
Again, I have kept it reasonaably simple but with an aspiration to be more effective.


Regards

Tim

 

[rayc]

Good good good!
Reminds me a little of Placebo. When you get a little more sorted post the track in the MP3 Mixing Clinic because there're some mix I deas I had listening & the people over there have some great experience and creativity that you could tap into.
The edit fixed the prob. & there're a coiuple of extra words in V3 of the recorded version that work really well.
Did I mention ....GOOD!

 

[Phrasemaker]

Thank you Ray, that's very encouraging and now has me feeling obliged to not make a mess of it while polishing it up. I have been up to my neck with work but have been tinkering with the track when time has allowed, I'll get a revised mix up on the mp3 clinic soon which will hopefully show some improvement and some areas where more experienced folk can offer me some ideas to help get the best out of the track. The weekend is close and that's where I'll have time to tweak and re take anything that I notice is letting the track down. Then I'll be seeking the ears of those with more knowledge than I.

Your feedback is much appreciated.

all the best

Tim

 

[Phrasemaker]

Thank you jvengineers, I appreciate your thoughts. I hope your writing is going well.

all the best

Tim