my latest lyrics: what do you think?

  • Thread starter Thread starter LI_Slim
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LI_Slim

LI_Slim

voice in the wilderness
Allergic To My Love (c) 2002 Larry Kolker:


You said you got to talk to me baby
I knew right then we were through
That you were tired of my gamblin'
Or you found somebody new

But what confuses me baby
'S that funny feelin' you get inside
And those heart palpitations
Whenever I'm nearby

I know that I get your eyes to tearin'
And you makin' those little wheezin' sounds
So there's just one explanation
If you don't want me around
It must be that you've found

The problem is that you've got a strange affliction
Your diagnosis is what's tearin' us apart
It's not that I'm oblivious or that you've been cheatin'
The problem is … that you're allergic to my love.


So I'll give you sweet medication
I will antitdote on you
Or if need be radiation
Needles, yoga, pills
Whatever cures your ills

The problem is that you've got a strange affliction
Your diagnosis is what's tearin' us apart
It's not that you are mean as pain or I've been cheatin'
The problem is … that you're allergic to my love
You're allergic to my love [repeat dramatically]
 
Nice lyrics...... I mean great lyrics (I've just realised how much I say nice) I'd like to hear what they sound like on a beat.
 
LI, like the concept. You've got the narrative down and the imagery all set up but it needs some songwriting bells and whistles. My old college professor used to call them "hot licks and cheap tricks"...

1st. "inside" and "nearby" don't rhyme. Rhyme police is on patrol!:eek:

What about "divide," "deride," "slide," "wide" "died." all real rhymes that could lead the song towards the chorus.

2nd. same line, "that funny feeling you get inside"... Mind reading is never good in a song. You don't know how she feels inside, (even if you know how her inside fe...ahhh......nevermind)

The point is stick to your feelings or suppositions of her feelings.

3rd. the last verse bit before the chorus leaves us hanging in a major way. "That you've found"...WHAT???? I know you pay off at the end of the chorus but it's not soon enough for me. At least, in reading the lyrics, it isn't. performance obviously is a little more forgiving a medium.

4th. the chorus doesn't rhyme. Ugh! again, it maybe just that I'm not hearing how you're surprising us by not rhyming but it doesn't translate well to a lyric sheet.

Anyway, that's all.... :D "antidote on you..." hah!

miles
 
Thanks Ab and Stone!

Stone,

The rhyme question is interesting. I do know that those words don't rhyme. I'm working with the notion that as long as the rhythm and diction feel natural, the lack of rhyme generates positive attention ... or maybe it's a negative attention of people thinking, "where's the fucking rhyme?" So far this one does seem to be working in performance.


I think you're right on the mind reading point. When I was writing these lyrics, I was trying to say something like, "but you tell me that I give you this funny feeling inside", which I found myself unable to express in a single line. So I followed the lazy way out. This bear further thought.

Thanks again.
 
Li

I like the fact that not everything rhymes - I see what you are doing. If you can make it work in performance it could be really neat.

The lyrics have a great theme. I do have a problem with the word "diagnosis" - a diagnosis is something a doctor does, not something that somebody has. There's a great opportunity to replace it with a word that is a simile for "sickness" but also implies some kind of emotional distress or imbalance. I'm sure I could think of some ideas if I wasn't nursing a hangover of Krakatoan dimensions.
 
Krakatoa, huh.
had a bit of an eruption last night, Garry?

Well, I've read through the tune another time and am now thinking about the mood of the song. Is it bluesy? Is it country upswing? With the given imagery, the mood's obviously got to be lighthearted to work. Considering those things, I kind of assumed you would get into a regular rhyme scheme. But along the lines of what you said, maybe disappointing people's expectations[/] isn't such a bad thing. That was supposed to be a positive comment but I'm afraid it didn't come out as such. Now, I really have to hear this tune. :D

Ah well, I kind of like this idea of song submission. Perhaps I'll put my money where my mouth is and submit something later today.

miles
 
Yes, it is a blues (with a couple twists). It has a bounce to it; think Bonnie Raitt.

It is second in line to be recorded. Hopefully by year's end:rolleyes:

Thanks to you also Garry. Interesting point about "diagnosis"; an allergy is something that is diagnosed, but on the other hand, it is psychosomatic -- now there would be a fun word to use in a song!
 
Slim- if you actually use "psychosomatic" in a lyric, I will nominate you for the Literate Blues Songwriters Lifetime Achievement Award.

Like the other one you wrote -

"Well, I woke up this mornin' and I figured I'd read myself some Kafka"

I like the allergy theme. I had a lot of girls in high school who suffered from the same thing with me!

Happy Thanksgiving Slim!
 
Miles

I'll show mine if you'll show yours!

Actually, I feel that written lyrics are of very limited use without the music; this is not poetry.

Li

I reckon we should let you use "psychosamatic" on the condition that you rhyme it with "emetic" and "peripatetic".:D
 
Garry Sharp said:
Miles


I reckon we should let you use "psychosamatic" on the condition that you rhyme it with "emetic" and "peripatetic".:D
Click to expand...

Believe it or not, "psychosomatic" has been used - by no less a songwriter than the great Frank Loesser:

The av'rage unmarried female, basic'lly insecure,
Due to some long frustration may react
With psychosomatic symptoms, difficult to endure,
Affecting the upper respiratory tract...

(Adelaide's Lament, from Guys & Dolls)

so you'd be in good company.

Sarah
 
perhaps it says a little too much about me.....

but I was thinking the same thing. I was practically hearing Faith Prince singing.

I have an ex that had the same speaking voice. EEK!

good call, Sarah.

Miles
 
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