Your Forever (Is Shorter Than Mine)
© 2008
V1:
You told me you'd love me forever
I thought you meant for all time
Then you left, told me good bye
Your forever is shorter than mine.
Ch:
My forever is till the end of time
yours is just till you change your mind
and I know you simply can't deny
Your Forever Is Shorter Than Mine.
V2:
I thought your love would be true
I promised forever, and you did too
But now you're gone, left me behind
Your forever is shorter than mine.
"Your forever is shorter than mine" is a great line, and a terrific seed from which to build a song.
I also like the conciseness of what you have put here so far and the idea behind the chorus is great.
However, I would really love to see some lines that match the cleverness of the title. Lines such as "I thought your love would be true", "You told me you would love me forever" and so on are so common that they have long lost all their power.
This is a tricky one, because the title requires you to refer to "forever" so that you get full weight from the hook, but using "forever" is itself problematic. You need to figure out a way of getting it in there without it being a cliche.
My inclination would be to make the chorus do most of the work, which leaves the verses freer in which to explore the differences between the two protagonists. And I think this is line by line exercise. For example, the first line of the chorus is: "My forever is till the end of time", and the key in this line is its contrast with "Your forever is shorter than mine". So how do you retain that thought without using "till the end of time" (another cliche)?
Maybe you can switch from time to distance, e.g. maybe he gave a forever that sat beyond the horizon, or something like that, while hers was a forever that changed with each wave? It's going to be tricky avoiding the pitfalls of cliches while getting the scansion right, but I reckon it's worth it.
