Mona!

[Stitch9]

This is for a special girl who some helped me out of a situation once tell me what you think I like it rough.
Mona!
You are my only,
and as you must,
you leave me lonely.
Your passage marked,
not by prints, hints,
or other such,
evidence.
The spent spent shells,
are your bread crumbs.
As the the clock ticks,
REDRUM, REDRUM!
And that tick, that tock isn't the clock,
but the ACP's, falling from your Glock.
Like tears which, you don't shed my dear,
you only drop those, who did't known enough too fear... You:
Who are the one, who doesn't run,
you love the rain its masks the sound, of your reign.
Mona my love; you are my angel:
in the tree tops; with that perfect angle.
She keeps her temperature on 72, and seven plus two is nine,
you won't see her or hear her, but you will feel her Glock .45.
Mona!
You are my only,
and as you must,
you leave me lonely.
Your passage marked,
not by prints, hints,
or other such,
evidence.
The spent spent shells,
are your bread crumbs.
As the the clock ticks,
REDRUM, REDRUM!

 

[rayc]

Your passage marked,
not by prints, hints,
or other such,
evidence.
The spent spent shells,
are your bread crumbs.
As the the clock ticks,
REDRUM, REDRUM!

An analysis of Columbine type event but veers off into some sort of satire that misses the mark, (sorry poor choice of imagery but I'll stick with it).

I like the bread crumb line, (though why repeat spent? Why not build the idea with warm or spilt - building the idea of spent & impotence or spent & seed etc?), but wonder why one would leave a trail for self to follow out of the scene. A great idea that doesn't really fit.

REDRUM, REDRUM is a little too obvious and a bit cheezy too.

you love the rain its masks the sound, of your reign.
You don't quite get there with the reign/rain thing nor does it make sense.If one was finally on top one would revell rather than be happily obscured by weather. The comma is wrong as well I think, unless you want what follows it to be considered a new line.

Mona my love; you are my angel:
in the tree tops; with that perfect angle.
That's almost clever but the non rhyme & "in the tree tops" as opposed to on top of the tree - to secure the Xmas/celebratory analogy - miss a little.

She keeps her temperature on 72, and seven plus two is nine,
you won't see her or hear her, but you will feel her Glock .45.
You're mixing things too much in this part - besides the Glock isn't silenced.

You still need something to hold these lines together and as the metre is a bit random & there's no solid rhyming scheme it hangs on a very fragile thread & that would be the melody which I can't guess.

I think you should rebuild from the good parts and do something serious.

For a very good, whilst specifically detached, (if not, then disassociative), observation of this scenario have a listen to the final track on Little Purple Circle's new album. It'll demonstrate how to build some of your really good ideas into a successful narrative.