lyrics for critique

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jimistone

jimistone

long standing member
I have the music worked out in my head, just haven't actually picked up the guitar and worked it out yet.



GRANDMA AND GRANDAD

1st)
I think back to when I was a child,
my grandma always made me smile,
with a big heart so full of love that she poured out on me.
I idolized my grandad,
loved his tales of when he was a lad,
but I left to follow foolish dreams of livin' wild and free

bridge)
Prison bars and walls kept me away too long,
and as I walk through knee high grass to their old home...

chorus)
I close my eyes and drift back in time,
to those happy days deep within my mind,
then it seems like it was only yesterday,
and I think about all the things I didn't say.
Cause in the pages of my mind theres always something new,
that I should have said or I didn't do.
I don't have much but I'd give everything thats mine,
to tell them both "I love you" one more time.

2nd)
As I sort through the old photographs,
like magic windows to the past,
im there with my 1st fishing pole and my grandad's plowing rows
there's grandma sitting in the swing,
with her big smile that each new day would bring,
both are gone just like my youth but now they feel so close.

bridge)
It took so long to find my way back home,
and as my tears run down the foot of their tombstone....

I close my eyes and drift back in time,
to those happy days deep within my mind,
then it seems like it was only yesterday,
and I think about all the things I didn't say.
Cause in the pages of my mind there's always something new,
that I should have said or I didn't do.
I don't have much but I'd give everything thats mine,
to tell them both "I love you" one more time.
 
The opportunity to develop myself, by crafting with other's lyrics is greatly appreciated, thank you.

As I know you write in the Southern Americana tradition, I get to 'play' that genre in my head with fiddle licks while I do my, IMHO, re-write ... This is gonna' be FUN !

Although I feel like this is some of your sacred ground, you put it up here, so I'm going to enjoy responding the only way I know how on this bbs. I hope this helps.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUGGESTED TITLE : 'ONE MORE TIME'
DEDICATION : For - Grandma and Grandad -

VERSE 1 : (commas are for gentle phrasing)
----------------------------------------------
Thinkin' back, to when, I was a child.
How grandma always made me smile.
Her big heart full of love, just pourin' out.
I idolized, my old grandad,
he'd Tell us tales, of when, he was a lad.
But my footsteps fell into, such foolish dreams.

BRIDGE : (commas are for gentle phrasing)
----------------------------------------------
The shadows of, my prison bars.
The walls that stood, so long and hard.
I walk through knee high grass to their old home ...

PRE-CHORUS : (I hear Alabama ... the band here)
-----------------------------------------------
I close my eyes---, drifting back in time ...
Happy days---, deep within my mind ...

CHORUS :
-----------------------------------------------
Man it seems like yesterday, all the things I didn't say.
Adding to my list, something new, I should have said, I didn't do.
I don't have much, but I'd give up, all that's mine ---
To tell them both ... "I love you" ... [ 3-4 beats pause ...]
ONE MORE TIME--- (this is your hook buddy !)

VERSE 2 :
-----------------------------------------------
Sorting through, the old, photographs.
Magic windows to, a long lost past. (grand old past ?)
My first fishing pole, grandad plowing rows---.
Grandma swayin' in the old porch swing.
Her sweet smile, of thee I sing.
Both are gone, just like my youth, but feel so close.

BRIDGE :
-----------------------------------------------
So long, to find, my way back home.
Tears running down, the old tombstones. (the faces of the stones)
Grandma, Grandad laying side by side.

PRE-CHORUS : (I hear Alabama ... the band here)
-----------------------------------------------
I close my eyes---, drifting back in time ...
Those happy days---, deep within my mind ...

CHORUS (Outro) :
-----------------------------------------------
Man it seems like yesterday, all the things I didn't say.
Adding to my list, something new, I should have said, I didn't do.
I don't have much, but I'd give up, all that's mine---
To tell them both ... "I love you" ... [ 3-4 beats pause ...]

ONE MORE TIME---

I close my eyes---, drifting back in time ...
Those happy days---, deep within my mind ...

ONE MORE TIME (... 4 beats guitar mini-break)

Just ONE MORE TIME--- drifting back in time ...
Happy days--- Just ONE ... MORE ... TIME

============================

As always, good board members share, and I feel like you busted open the cookie jar here for everyone to feast.

Thanks, and yes, this is the kind of song that can make grown men cry. You have a REAL winner here. Be ... careful and be patient with this one.

If not in the first try, the first year, this can become a great song later in your life as you continue to mature. These are the kinds of things we think about for all of our lives, (i'm grinning).

I think it's still a block of wood, and needs some whittling, the simpler this type of thing is, the more power and impact it has.

GOOD JOB ! GOOD SONG ! GOOD SUBJECT !
 
thanks for the suggestions studioviols

Im going to record a scratch vocal and guitar and post it. That will give you a better idea of the meter I had in mind for the lyrics. This song (with the chord progression I had in mind screams for a fiddle and maybe a cello.

I can incorparate some of your suggestions in your rewrite along with some of my original write and I think it would create better word images. WIth the guitar backing It could be fine tuned into a good song IMO.

I used my grandad and grandma for the inspiration of the song...I spent alot of time with them when i was a kid. I didn't really go to prison, but I thought that created great drama of "coming back with regrets". And yes, a song like this can make a grown man cry because I almost got choked up reminising about my grandparents.

when you pull from memories like that I can sometimes be a hard song to write emotionally.
thanks again bro
 
I hope grandma can be the fiddle, (fills), and grandpa can be the cello, (fills) :) , and they could come together at one point.

I think the prison imagery, (and I got an image of the knee high grass being the prison bars) ... is very dramtic.

There is a good metaphor here ... in that our regrets are our prison ... ?

Or perhaps it is simply our condition, the human condition, to be imprisoned by our many frailties, our needs.

When I first approached your lyric, I realized you would be singing it with a meter that was already pretty well formed, probably weaving those words in a country ballad styling.

So I decided I would throw you a twist in the hopes it might shed light on some of those little bits we songwriters are always finding are difficult to 'wrap up'. I jazzed it up a little bit.

I hope that my different, (and intentionally different presentation of meter, or implied meter), can give you greater confidence in the sections you are already sure of .... and maybe give you some grease in the parts that get stuck ! :(

And I'm listening to Pappa Kreak right now, and I'm looking at the lyrics, and I'm hearing more fiddle in my ears, than how you are going to finally sing this ! :D

I look forward to a 192kbps posting, that I can write some tracks to for collaboration.

And seeing as how this is all getting started up in the songwriter's clinic, we'll have a great cross post going for the MP3 Clinic too :D
 
Last edited:
studioviols,
please excuse the (too slow) tempo, poor engineering, and general sloppy performance of this track.

I just wanted to give you an idea of the lyric meter, the melody (needs work), and the chord progression (open to suggestions).

the rewritten lyrics:



GRANDMA AND GRANDAD

1st)
I think back to when I was a child,
my grandma always made me smile,
with a big heart so full of love that she poured out on me.
I idolized my grandad,
loved his tales of when he was a lad,
but I left to follow foolish dreams of livin' wild and free

bridge)
Prison bars and walls kept me away too long,
and as I walk through knee high grass to our old home...

chorus)
I close my eyes and drift back in time,
to those happy days deep within my mind,
then it seems like only yesterday,
and I speak to them just like they hear each word I say.
in the pages of my mind with the good and all the bad,
the times we shared together are the best i've had.
I don't have much but I'd give all thats mine,
to tell them both "I love you" one more time.

2nd)
As I sort through the old photographs,
like magic windows to the past,
im there with my 1st fishing pole and my grandad's plowing rows
there's grandma sitting in the swing,
with her big smile that each new day would bring,
both are gone just like my youth but now they feel so close.

bridge)
It took so long for me to find my way back home,
and as my tears run down the foot of their tombstone....

I close my eyes and drift back in time,
to those happy days deep within my mind,
then it seems like only yesterday,
and I speak to them as though they hear each word I say.
Cause in the pages of my mind with all the good and all the bad,
the times we shared together are the best i've had.
I don't have much but I'd give all thats mine,
to tell them both "I love you" one more time.

scratch song
 
hmm I latched onto the "...pages of my mind" line. Id base the imagry of the chorus around this...working with book, reading, pages turning imagery...as it is, it is a useless statement that does nothing for the chorus which is, as studio pointed out...hookless.

sure wish i had the conn to d/l the scratch song... :mad:
 
I think the lyrics are really good, and like the way you didn't fall into what would be easy cliches. Aside from fiddle, I hear a dobro backing with a mandolin solo in there.
 
ChrisM - thanks

quagmire77- I don't really like the "lad" line either. At this point it is basically a song scetch and needs fine tuning. I wanted to get my thoughts in a basic rhyme scheme right now. Now I can fine tune the lines.

Fat_Satchel- the "pages of my mind" line was out of the chorus of the origianl song theme I had for this chord progression...it DID have a hook "at night it hits me ....I miss you" . Its just filler till I can come up with something better.

(original chorus idea...for a love song I didn't get finished)
"At night it hits me....I miss you,
when the shadows fall your memory's always right on cue.
I miss your touch,
and your easy charm,
and the warm embrace of your two loving arms,
within the pages of my mind,
of all the good and all the bad,
the times we shared together,
are the best I've had.
I love you still,
but love takes two,
At night it hits me just how much I miss you"

When I start really fine tuning the lyrics I will develope a hook for the granda and grandma song

Hey guys thanks so much for your time and input!!
Its greatly appreciated
jimistone
 
I did a rewrite of the 1st verse and in the process got rid of the bad rhyme "lad"


Looking back on when I was a child,
my grandma always made me smile,
theres a special place down in my heart,
I keep her memory,
I idolized my grandad,
but I let him down when I went bad,
and turned into a fool,
who wanted money fast and free.

prison bars and walls kept me away too long,
and as I tread through knee high grass to our old home....

I like it better now
 
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