Lyrics for Critique/feedback

[sketchyrecords]

I just want some feedback, opinion, and or ideas on these lyrics. I am not sure about the chorus and every time I read through the lyrics I usually change them around. I have changed them about 5 times from the original chicken scratches in my notebook.

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Title: undecided

Woke up too late the day is gone all is said and done
Could sit all day and wait but I’ll find that nothings gonna come
Watching the clock spin in circles getting dizzy from boredom
Seize the day but it’s too late the day’s already been added to the sum

No one’s home on the phone no one calls sit here all alone
On the couch where I sit channels flip nothings on TV
Try to find a way to be entertained I’ve got no place to be
In my mind I try to find, find a better reason to be

Here at home free to roam I live my life free
Yet constrained by self inflicted metal captivity
Try to find a way to be entertained I’ve got no place to be
In my mind I try to find, Find a better reason to be

As I try to find a reason into the future I can’t see
But I guess my futures lost to college costs earning a degree
Find a job punch the clock employers pay me money
Chasing cash make a stash now I’m a money junkie

Ideas for chorus
Every day I wait for nothing to come
Every day I wait here feeling dumb
Every day I wait my brain is going numb
Every day I wait another day added to the sum

Up all night slept all day, up too late I wait but nothing gonna come
Up all night slept all day, the day is gone all is said and done
Up all night slept all day, every day I sit here feeling dumb
Up all night slept all day, every day I wait my mind is going numb

Woke up too late the day is gone all is said and done
Could sit all day and wait but I’ll find that nothings gonna come
Watching the clock spin in circles getting dizzy from boredom
Seize the day but it’s too late the day’s already been added to the sum

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Let me know what you think.

 

[gecko zzed]

Most of it sits well with me.

I'm not convinced by "the day’s already been added to the sum". This sounds too much like something that's been contrived to rhyme with "come".

I think you meant to say "mental" captivity, rather than "metal" captivity.

Of all the chorus ideas, I like the last the best.

While the first two have greater potential for repetitive hooks, I think the last is the most interesting.

Having said that, there is capacity to make use of the first half of each line of the first two chorus idea, i.e.:

Every day I wait
Every day I wait
Every day I wait
Every day I wait for nothing to come

or
Up all night, sleep all day
Up all night, sleep all day
Up all night, sleep all day
[then something to rhyme with 'day']

 

[rayc]

I could happily live with "...been added to the sum" if it weren't for
"...nothings gonna come" being in conflict with it in terms of a bit of the arcane meets a bit of the lazy.
"...find, Find a better..." strikes me as clumsy and when followed so quickly by
"...try to find a..." is even more so.
"...money junkie" the wholee set of ees don't really come off - I'm sure you might managed it sung though.
"...feeling dumb" does this translate to feeling mute? It's too simplistic a rhyme for numb.
Now, picky I am BUT I like the ideas & structure of the lyric you've written. I like most of it but the things I've pointed out point out at me when I read them. Rework it a bit mate. It has significant potential.

 

[sketchyrecords]

Thanks guys! Huge help. I hope to revise, edit, and post new version soon. If anyone else has something to say please do.

 

[robgreen]

I always think it's hard to critique lyrics without the context of the song and lyrics are what people tend to be most sensitive about as it's easier to distance yourself from a guitar line etc.

There's promise there, but there's a fine line between singing about dislocation and falling into self pity. The character in the song isn't constrained by anything in life except their inability to get excited about the prospect of anything (they've got the possibility of going to college, a job, a home with modern comforts)- and if you can't find anything to get excited about, how do you expect your listener? I know plenty of people like this and they drive me nuts.

Old blues songs often deal in self pity, but it's about struggle and from the perspective of someone with nothing. Think about your audience - do you want people who hear your lyrics to empathise with them? How would someone working three jobs as a single parent to support their young family for example feel about the problems you list?

If it's a sense of dislocation you're trying to convey, I'd focus on how these things depersonalise you and reduce you to an economic unit rather than how it's a hassle to muster the energy to do any of them. Or focus on your fears about lack of future, worries about moving from adolescence to adulthood or even the emptiness at the heart of modern culture? They're all issues you're touching on in what you have so far.

I'd also re-write the home/alone/phone line as it's been done so many times. If I'm ever unfortunate enough to have to listen to commercial radio for any period of time, I play lazy-lyric bingo where I try and second guess the rhyming couplets. The amount of times rain/again, home/alone, fun/sun, night/ alright come up is untrue.

I'm not trying to flame you sketchyrecords, but push yourself hard with the lyrics, don't settle for anything lazy and you'll end up with something you're really proud of. Hope this all helps you!

 

[rayc]

I scribbled this down early last year & haven't had any ideas for reworking it yet.
It isn't as political as yours, merely about the inability to do stuff like be bothered to get up & participate in lfe.
I've posted it just to demo (in this very poor version) that you don't always have to throw a sentence at an idea.
Don't forget to post your rewrite!!
I didn't wake up this morning
Didn't get out of bed
I think I am dead
I didn't wake up this morning

I woke up just now
Like a slap in the head
Like a gun shot in bed
I think I am dead

Will I wake up this morning?
Find I’m twisted in pain
Going through this again
Did I wake up this morning?

I woke up tomorrow
Couldn’t get back to sleep
I’m surrounded by sheep
None brave enough yet to leap

I didn't wake up this morning
Didn't get out of bed
I think I am dead
I didn't wake up this morning

didn’t wake up this morning
Am I still in a daze
Is this some strange new malaise?
I didn’t wake up this morning

I woke up to shouts
To screams of the dead
Am I still in my bed?
Is it something I said

I didn’t wake up today
There seemed no need
No one there to plead
I didn’t wake up today

There’s some one in my room
Is it me is it you
Something I should do
If I only knew.

I didn’t wake up tonight
Fit so well in this bed
I’m so tired I’m dead
I didn’t wake up tonight