Lyrics - "Bright Eyes"

[thefate]

Hi everyone,

I'm taking on the arduous task of writing a rock opera (or heavy metal opera, in this case).

I'ts mostly been clear sailing, save for the lyrics. I'm trying to make sure the lyrics are spot on and accessible enough - this means both people interested in the concept and just in the lyrics as a stand alone piece.

In this song the main character faces a sentient machine in a torn down city whilst searching for his loved one. Yeah, just imagine The Terminator and you're part way there.

The final stanza is when the main character turns and speaks to the inhabitants of the destroyed city, who have hidden away from the robot menace up until now. The plot starts off as some sort of abandoned 80's sci-fi\action movie script, but this is just an illusion for events that happen later on in the album.

I'm after some feedback on how you pereceive the track, and if it seems powerful enough to you or if there's anything too vague.

Also, just to throw it out there, what are people's opinions on using a narrator for a rock opera? Originally, I was just going to have a script released alongside the album to explain each characters movement and dialogue throughout the tracks (this is handy as a few tracks are instrumentals and extending them to explain this would just result in unfun tracks, which sort of misses the point of music really). Could a narrator be too distracting, or would it be more engaging?

"BRIGHT EYES"

This machine, this engine,
A howlin’ roar of heavy metal.
Its bright eyes pulsating,
Reach for my soul and touch me

And as you stand there preaching,
I know your lies
‘cause I see them in your eyes.

No hope, all regret,
No shadow dark enough to hide it
This machine, home wrecker,
It builds a world of destruction.

This path of lies you’ve stumbled
You think you’re true
But they’ll see it in your eyes.
You’ll hunt down every shadow
Just to hear their cries
Yeah, we’ve seen it in your eyes.

And all you people in the darkness
Why don’t you stand and fight?
Why won’t you step out from the shadows?
Don’t resign yourselves to fate!

 

[YellowDwarf]

Sorry, I'm not qualified to rate your lyrics, but I like the idea of a narrator. I know this isn't what you meant, though. It's been rarely used in a rock opera, but Zappa used the "Central Scrutinizer" effectively on Joe's Garage. Go for it.

Just sayin'

 

[thefate]

No worries, thanks for the feedback! I think I'm definately gonna go the narrator route now, everyone I've asked seems really positive about it. Now I begin the long arduous task of trying to find someone who fits the bill!

 

[guitaristic]

So I'm guessing you're not wanting/caring if anything rhymes?

Also, rhyming "lies" with "eyes" always seemed like one of those stereotypical rhymes I try to avoid, but if you're happy with it, then more power to ya brother! I like the lyrics so far.

 

[Armistice]

Get Art Garfunkel as the narrator...

 

[thefate]

So I'm guessing you're not wanting/caring if anything rhymes?

Also, rhyming "lies" with "eyes" always seemed like one of those stereotypical rhymes I try to avoid, but if you're happy with it, then more power to ya brother! I like the lyrics so far.

Yeah, usually depends on how I construct the song really. In this case I had the tune stuck in my head for ages, and the words just followed. As the words formed around the plotl of the album, I didn't really see any reason to start tearing it apart just to get rhyming in there. I was mainly wanting to focus on getting the correct imagery across.

Think I'll walk away from it for a week and come back to it with a fresh mindset and see if the lies\eyes rhyming still works or not. If it still seems good to me, I'll keep it. If it sounds cheesey, I'll scrap it. Thanks for the heads up!

Get Art Garfunkel as the narrator...

Good idea, I'll get him on the phone!

 

[ido1957]

Good lyrics - and another vote for narrator - try to get someone with a deep voice....

 

[rayc]

I see rabbits stunned, stare back at the glare of his headlamps!
The black rabbit of Inle' loping through the detrius of a post apocalyptics city scape with Art struggling to keep up calling out "Hazel, Hazel, come back Hazel!", because he can't remember Shane.
Now, back to the topic at hand...
"BRIGHT EYES"

This machine, this engine,
A howlin’ roar of heavy metal. Do you want to equate metal with evil?
Its bright eyes pulsating, Bright is too tame a word in this context - try electric or search etc
Reach for my soul and touch me Why would the narrator say this? Touch is too tame as well try It's seeker lamps pulsating, Reach out and tear at my soul or something melodramatic like that

And as you stand there preaching, Is the machine preaching? it's just been reaching something about dogma or spamming or even " as you broadcast a different truth, I recognize your lies,acentuated by death's cries...
I know your lies Recognize, feel, hear - all better than know
‘cause I see them in your eyes.

No hope, all regret, who's regret?
No shadow dark enough to hide it
This machine, home wrecker, Home wrecker really has a totally different meaning= someone who cuckolds a husband or sidelines a wife
It builds a world of destruction. Build & destruction are opposites but you put them in opposition mildly try Your sole construction: our world's destruction

This path of lies you’ve stumbled stumbled upon/along/path is pretty passive
You think you’re true Again too passive - And you cleave to your truth
But they’ll see it in your eyes. What will they see - that he is/isn't?
You’ll hunt down every shadow Not bad - but remove the 'll and make it more aggressive -
Just to hear their cries
Yeah, we’ve seen it in your eyes.

And all you people in the darkness No rhymes or near rhymes?
Why don’t you stand and fight?
Why won’t you step out from the shadows?
Don’t resign yourselves to fate! earlier the narrator was talking about no hope

The words you've written match, mostly, the image of the Termi & the skin facing off BUT there're internal inconsistencies in the narrative that won't hold up. Opera is a story, a narrative and thread has to hang together in a followable thread. You're also a little too passive in your language - this is last ditch, stand and face your death stuff. It reads like: I know you're about to kill me but before you do let me just tell you a couple of things you need to think about! Now off you go, take some time to mull this over and, when you come back, I'll be here to talk about it.
I applaud you aim & your libretto (as suggested by this lyric and your preamble) seems quite useful (Have you seen Repo the Genetic Opera?) but you do need it to read well & be tough too!

 

[rayc]

Have you got flybuys?

 

[thefate]

Good lyrics - and another vote for narrator - try to get someone with a deep voice....

Thanks, I’m on the hunt now. I’m hoping I’ll find someone that instantly clicks with what I have in my head.

This machine, this engine,
A howlin’ roar of heavy metal.

Do you want to equate metal with evil?

I wouldn’t say I am, it’s a pretty neutral sentence. All I want to do is show just how imposing the machine is.

And as you stand there preaching,

Is the machine preaching?

Prior to the song the main character approaches the machine and asks about the destruction, and why it is doing what it is doing. The machine vaguely responds “To save you” and then approaches the main character – which in turn causes him to attack out of fear. The main character perceives this response to be lie to get the people of the city to trust the machines.

The machine isn't really preaching, but the main character has immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was.

This machine, home wrecker,

Home wrecker really has a totally different meaning= someone who cuckolds a husband or sidelines a wife

At the time the album is set (the year 2029), machines have integrated themselves into our lives almost to the point of being family members - by some of the more accepting people at least. The home wrecker line is meant to reference just how much the machine rebellion has torn apart the families of the city.

This does bring up the point that I need to address just how technologically advanced the world in which this album is set in, I’ll need to insert a few lines to emphasise this.

It builds a world of destruction.

Build & destruction are opposites but you put them in opposition mildly try Your sole construction: our world's destruction

Absolutely love this, I’ll fit it in somehow.

But they’ll see it in your eyes.

What will they see - that he is/isn't?

That the machine is lying. I was somewhat resting on the audiences familiarity with the lyrics of the first verse (I know your lies/’cause I see them in your eyes) to just piece this bit together.

And all you people in the darkness No rhymes or near rhymes?
Why don’t you stand and fight?
Why won’t you step out from the shadows?
Don’t resign yourselves to fate!

earlier the narrator was talking about no hope

At this point the narrator has turned to the people of the city, none of whom have chosen to back him up in his verbal attack against the machine – and in actual fact will end up attacking the narrator himself in the following song.

You're also a little too passive in your language - this is last ditch, stand and face your death stuff. It reads like: I know you're about to kill me but before you do let me just tell you a couple of things you need to think about! Now off you go, take some time to mull this over and, when you come back, I'll be here to talk about it.

At this point the machine and the narrator are standing in the street, a good distance from one another and neither moving. Up until this point the narrator only has the following proof: the city is under siege and there is nobody there to protect it. When he comes across the machine he has no evidence that it is the sole cause of the destruction, but just assumes as such.

I was hoping that the narrators belief of strength in numbers (trying to rally the victims together to overcome the machines) would provide a striking contrast to the next song where he is abandoned by the people he is reaching out to, and forced to flee alone – all the heroic words he used now lost on himself. The united we stand\divided we fall theme comes up a few times throughout the album.

I don't disagree though, although he feels safe in the crowd I definately need to change a few lines to emphasise just what's riding on this situation.

Have you got flybuys?

Flybuys?



I didn't really want to go too heavily into the story in this thread, but it looks like I've ended up doing so anyway! I just didn't want to force people to read an entire backstory to just one set of lyrics, figured it'd be a bit unfair on the people helping me out. Still you've made a lot of awesome points - anything I haven't quoted is because I agree with it - and hopefully I'll finish the second draft soon.

Thanks to everyone who's posted so far!