Lying awake (original lyrics)

[Slimjim5792]

Hi. I wrote these song lyrics a few months ago and have decided to post them here. I havnt yet decided which, if any, if the stanzas would serve as a chorus. Any feedback is appriciated positive or negative. Thanks very much for reading.

Lying awake

In the times when silence speaks words of treason
The road not taken is the hardest of them all
You lie awake and imagine yourself
On a higher road
A brighter path
Walked by the devine

Paper shreds of memories
Are categorized by hurt
The iron bars of the status quo
Your strongarmed from within

Captivating dreams of sugarplums and lies
Drink the nector of a bittersweet revery
In the face of a genuine discovery
You'd fancy your ficticious life

Wish now for a better tomorrow
Your resolutions are wrung out and dry
Stalling the re-entry to reality
Skipping stones in the shallows of your mind

 

[gecko zzed]

Hi. I wrote these song lyrics a few months ago and have decided to post them here. I havnt yet decided which, if any, if the stanzas would serve as a chorus. Any feedback is appriciated positive or negative. Thanks very much for reading.

Lying awake

In the times when silence speaks words of treason
The road not taken is the hardest of them all
You lie awake and imagine yourself
On a higher road
A brighter path
Walked by the devine

Paper shreds of memories
Are categorized by hurt
The iron bars of the status quo
Your strongarmed from within

Captivating dreams of sugarplums and lies
Drink the nector of a bittersweet revery
In the face of a genuine discovery
You'd fancy your ficticious life

Wish now for a better tomorrow
Your resolutions are wrung out and dry
Stalling the re-entry to reality
Skipping stones in the shallows of your mind

There is great imagery in this set of lyrics. They are pleasantly free of stock phrases and show good wordcraft.

The most powerful bit is:
"Paper shreds of memories
Are categorized by hurt
The iron bars of the status quo
Your strongarmed from within"

That would make a great chorus. However, I would search around to try and find a rhyme for 'hurt', which could make it even better.

The weakest bit (in my view) is: "On a higher road/A brighter path/Walked by the devine". I think what you are trying to say here is that you want to follow the same path as those who have qualities you wish to emulate (i.e. the 'divine'). I find it a bit clunky.

Also, check your spelling:
devine = divine
your = you're
ficticious = fictitious

 

[Milnoque]

If you wrote this a few months ago does it still evoke what you were feeling when you wrote it?

The downside of clever wordcraft is that you force the listener to think about a clever phrase while the next one runs past. In my view it is helpful to follow great phrases with more accessible ones so the material flows better for the listener.

Hearing these lyrics in a musical setting might well take care of that for this song. I didn't find it inaccessible. I did find myself re-reading some of your phrasing (this is a good thing).

I agree with Gecko about the chorus but I think the need for a rhyme depends on the musical setting. IMHO you might want to consider your last verse. For me it doesn't resolve the song as well as it might

 

[Chili]

The downside of clever wordcraft is that you force the listener to think about a clever phrase while the next one runs past. In my view it is helpful to follow great phrases with more accessible ones so the material flows better for the listener.

What Milnoque said reminded me of what Chuck Cannon once told a songwriting class I attended, make the song conversational then every so often drop in a beautiful line that makes the listener stop and pay attention. He emphasized not to overdo it with clever wordplay.

Just wanted to add that little thought....

 

[Slimjim5792]

Thanks very much for your comments guys, much appriciated and helpful. The spelling errors are a bit embarrassing haha thank you for pointing them out though. It seems that only the creative part of my brain was working correctly when I was writing it at 5 am on my iPod .

The song does still hold the same meaning to me as it did when I wrote it. Maybe I'm the only one who does this but when I wake up much too early and lay awake in silence I start to think about the things I've done in my life, the choices I've made, and where I could be if I made them differently. Usually those imagined daydreams are more pleasent than the actual reality. Which is what the song is about.

Since my initial post I have decided on the last stanza as my chorus, but I'm not iron clad on it yet. It may depend on the type of music that it would go with. I'm leaning towards a hard rock type song, something in the range of Tool, 10 Years and Breaking Benjamin.

I'm happy that you guys found my wording clever, even if a bit too much so. I've always liked hearing a song that leaves it's meaning slightly hidden or open for interpretation by using less direct language.