looking for feedback

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alexspetty

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I saw some thoughtful feedback about others songs posted here so I thought I would try to elicit that same kind of response from my fellow song writers about a piece of my work I am unsure of.

If you want to hear an mp3 of this song (to hear the lyrics in musical context) goto url:




**********************
Sebastian

stepping out of mother's winter clothes
everybody knows she got no way to hide those morsels
then she puts some perfume in her head
on her way to bed tries to impress those pillows

waking up she puts on brand new shoes
and reads the news, finds out there's no one left to run to
with her shoes she kills her only friend
sebastian, the dog she loves she stepped on his head

do you want us around you
are you inclined to be on your own
just be happy we found you
in time to leave you alone

stepping into someone else's dream
she makes it seem like she's the one who came up with it
puts a brand new door way in her home, she lives alone
tells everyone her husband made it

plants a garden everywhere she goes, everybody knows
those plants will never grow
'cause she treats her plants the way she treats her friends
like sebastian, she steps on their heads

do you want us around you
are you inclined to be on your own
just be happy we found you
in time to leave you alone
***********************

Thanks for your help.

-Alex
 
response before hearing it:

Definitely, an original metaphor technique. The use of Sebastian as the primary example of the character's lacking social abilities is creative, surprising and grotesque enough to be fascinating. How's that for an answer. ;)

The way you've written this character, I'm not sure what to think of her. That's a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. Obviously, stepping on the heads of friends is not a great personality trait but much of the preceding language suggests her strong intentions to be liked. Earnest effort in that department makes me want to like the character. With this setup, the punchline makes it almost seem as if she's head stepping unintentionally.

The chorus then paints her as a hot-n-cold type girl. I like the fact that the narrator's voice seems to be neither critical or glorifying.

Third verse tells me that she's petty and she's wishing she weren't alone. Somewhat sympathetic narrative voice.

Fourth verse says everyone knows her "not lonely" front is bogus. She doesn't treat friends well but it's unclear whether the listener should blame her for that.

After Listening:

the performances here give the song a new and unexpected angle. I didn't expect music as upbeat as this. It still works. Bass and Wah solo are fun.

My only problem with the song as it's written is the change in POV in the chorus. You go from a third person dissociated neutral voice to a plural second person thing. The plural makes it sound like a group of high school buddies is ragging on an unpopular chick.

I would at least make things more personal and change the chorus to "Do you want me around?" "Just be Happy I found you... etc.

Of course, listening to the track, it sounds pretty finished so maybe just chalk the advice up for next time.

Great effort, Alex. The performances on the track were great, vocally and instrumentally. the Sebastian hook definitely caught my ear. Pleasant poppish sound with some funky junk thrown in for fun.

Cheers,
Stonepiano
 
wow. thanks for that thoughtful response!
i appreciate your feedback a great deal.

you seem to have a lot to draw from. the tamber of your response seemed the words of a seasoned song writer. where may i listen to some of your work, or read it?

-alex
 
Nice song, that bridge is killer with the bassline!
______________

Lyrically, I'm not sure how these lines fit in with the other imagery:

puts a brand new door way in her home, she lives alone
tells everyone her husband made it

...I understand that she's morally/socially deficient, though, not on purpose as Stonepiano pointed out, but I don't think it really connects to the other ideas. Even though it's a lie, it doesn't do anyone else "harm".

If the door had no hinges and fell on someone's head, then I'd understand it better. :)

actually.....thats not a bad idea.
_______________________

In terms of performance, the only thing I noticed was that there's a couple of abrupt phrases. Feels like I'm kind of falling forward expecting one or two more syllables, or a stretched out note:

she makes it seem like she's the one who came up with it
those plants will never grow

...I know it's on purpose, (as you had the bass riff in there) but it kind of set me off, (not in a bad way), but my preference would be to add something vocally.
_______________________

Love the chorus melody.
 
I will reserve any comments until I hear it based on Stonepiano’s comments. I just have to say that first “stepped on his head” line caught me off guard and shocked me a little (not necessarily bad) :D.

Can’t wait to here it…bump for later :)
 
well Alex...

You wrote a wonderfully complex lyric that deserved special attention. :D

As for me, I've been writing for about music for eight years now and have stuff strewn about the web. I've taken classes and read books so I would credit those things as preparing me to be a careful reader. I'm in an acoustic trio that features my *story* songs and an outlandish farcical comedy duo called the Pubic Hares. I have time to take myself seriously and have fun, both of which can be challenging and rewarding.

Here's a link to a thread about one of my serious songs. There's a clip link there.

http://www.homerecording.com/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=69190

of course, my recording skills aren't quite up to what I heard in your sample. :D

Stone
 
Wow!!!! Great song and kick ass playing and recording. The drums & bass are killing me. Excellent.

I really don't have a lot to say about this other than it is going straight to my keepers folder :D

Here are the couple of nits I picked :D

"Perfume in her head" kind of made me wonder a little. I'm not quite sure how that works :p. (sorry, just one of those weird things that popped up and bit me when I went by it) :D

I agree with stonepiano about the POV in the chorus. I think it would definitely add to the song to go to a first person.

When I first read through the lyrics I was a little unsure about what I thought about them. When I listened to the music, the light heartedness of it combined with the sometimes heavier lyric was incredible. It really made the song and put it in the perspective I think you intended it.

Well I haven't said anything much different then stonpiano did above, but there just isn't a much to say about it other than…excellent. I will enjoy listening to this song for quite awhile.
 
Great song/writing! Can I just say - I could not help listening to this without thinking someone I know! It's like you know her too! lol.
Great groove
 
thanks again

Well...

Your feedback has settled my mind. I appreciate the comments.
The shift of POV and sometimes strange imagery was intended to cause an uneasy feeling in the listener. The intent of placing these lyrics in the pop song context was done to allow these strage elements of the lyrics to move into the mind of the listener somewhat un-noticed (hopefully). Perhaps afterwords they might realize the searing tone and perhaps be moved to think of people like this in their life that they know.

This song was written as a way to acknowledge that there are people of this kind in the world and that they can cause you great frustration if you let them, but they're best left to their own misery. Don't get sucked in to their wierdness as I have learned the hard way.

No dogs were in anyway injured in making of this song. :)

-Alex
 
"Perfume in her head" kind of made me wonder a little. I'm not quite sure how that works


That refers not to any actual perfume product, but was intended to subtley convey (maybe too subtley.. which is fine with me) the over-all level of suceptibilty and saturation of the mind affected upon millions of americans by the marketing campaigns of corporate america.

The woman in the song is hopelessly miserable (among other reasons) b/c of all the "THINGS" she thinks she needs. All the while she only thinks she needs them b/c commercials, magazine ads, and a million other forms of marketing tell her always that she does.

-Alex
 
WOW! I have read this board for quite a while. I have never felt impelled to register and post, but after hearing that MP3 and reading the lyrics......I decided to join just to tell you how much I like that song. It is seriously one of the best songs I've ever heard. I'd like to hear more stuff. I take it that all the stuff on the drumfish.com site is your stuff. I will start downloading and listening. I'll be back to update on things as I listen.

And by the way.... "perfume in her head" is great. I know that the others challenged it, but I get it. I'm not so sure about the commercialization you were talking about, but it is an interesting lyric. Its a coined way to say that she is using perfume. She is trying to doll herself up, for no one......except her pillow. It is so refreshing to hear that kind of lyrical twisting as opposed the standard lines. Well done!
 
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