Let me get some opinions on these lyrics

[EpiSGpl8r]

i haven't wrote anything for close to a year and it was bugging me i finally got something together, it's about a friend who got with this girl he liked her and wouldn't stop talking about her, i thought she was a bitch, she treated him like shit so he gave her another chance she fucked up and then gave her one more i was pissed, but u can get the pic. with these lyrics, i haven't wrote any parts for it yet but they will come.

Grace

Intro:
Big things
Come in small packages
You wouldn’t know
You’ve never heard these things
You’re too good you’ve always had it made
Chorus:
I hope you know
That I love you
I hope you care
That I hate you
I hope you smile
And tears fall down
Verse:
I wish I’d knew
Before I wanted this
I wish I’d knew
Before I tackled this
I wish I’d knew
That you’re a selfish bitch
Chorus2:
I hope you know
That I hate you
I hope you care
That I hate you
I hope you cry
And it burns you
I hate you
I hate you
Verse2:
He doesn’t see
What she will never see
He don’t deserve
What she will never be
Intro:
Big things
Come in small packages
You wouldn’t know
You just see past these things
You’re too good
With your attitude
Chorus2:
Bridge:
Now he’s back
And with this bitch
If I had my wish she’d be…x4

NOW HES BACK
AND WITH THIS BITCH
IF I HAD MY WISH
SHED BE DEADDDDD

 

[LI_Slim]

I am sorry, but these are probably the worst lyrics I have ever seen. I suggest that you analyze the lyrics of some songs that you like and think about how people use lyrics to express themselves.

It's good that you feel for your friend.

 

[jayoneill]

a bit too hateful and disjointed for my taste. i couldn't make it all the way through before going on to the next thread...sorry.

jay

 

[stonepiano]

you're certainly welcome to write a song about hating your girlfriend (or your bud's gf, as the case may be) but you need some clarity in point of view.

As listeners, we don't get the advantage of knowing what the songwriter was thinking and who they are talking about. You switch from "I hope you know that I love you" to "He doesn't see"... Who doesn't see? The guy who loves her? Or do you love your bud? These are the things you gotta sort out.

I don't think this is awful subject matter, which is what I'd guess the others here are at least partially attacking. Rage and jealousy in your younger years are particularly powerful emotions and worthy of expression. You just need to organize the narrative of this song in a clearer manner and you'll be one your way to a well designed hate fest!

good luck with the rewrite. That's when you really learn the skill of songwriting...

stone

 

[trogdor]

Very blunt, doesn't leave much to be interpreted... Maybe this is what you're going for. I think it might benefit from the use of some kind of metaphor to give it more of an abstract delivery.

 

[Outlaws]

I think that if you never tell anyone again what the song is really about, and as long as you NEVER make a video for it with guys running around in their birthday suits ala Blink182 or Jackass.......you just may be able to hide the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS FACT THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.

ugh...