Just wrote this...

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mjr

mjr

ADD -- blessing and curse
It's not set in stone, but I'd like thoughts on these lyrics:

"Sometimes"
Lyrics and Music by Monte Richardson
Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

Sometimes I feel like I can't get ahead
and sometimes I feel like I can't get a break.
Sometimes I feel like I can't cut it,
and I'll always be running behind.

Chorus:
(But) When I'm with you
all the bad turns to good
and the frustration fades away
and all these "sometimes" disappear

Yeah sometimes this world's hard on me
and sometimes I'm insecure
Sometimes this world moves too fast
But one thing I know for sure

(chorus)

Sometimes I feel a little blue
and sometimes the struggles pull at my heartstrings
Sometimes my job gets me down
and sometimes it all makes me sad

(chorus)
 
I think it's too straightforward. That isn't a bad thing really, but I just feel it lacks more...juice, if you know what I mean. You could use more vivid imagery and metaphors, thus avoiding such lines as "...and sometimes it all makes me sad" which with all due respect I consider bland and uninspired.

But don't take my thoughts too seriously. That's just what I think. :)

Hope I helped.
 
i like it...i write loads of tunes like this; did you write it about your girlfriend?? You'll probably get into the habit of writing deeper songs, but sometimes these ones are the most fun to play, so good job and keep it up!
 
TelePaul said:
i like it...i write loads of tunes like this; did you write it about your girlfriend?? You'll probably get into the habit of writing deeper songs, but sometimes these ones are the most fun to play, so good job and keep it up!
Click to expand...

I actually was just writing it...and it turned out that it would make a good addition in the chorus to reference my wife & son, so that's what I did.
 
I like the part of the chorus "and all these 'sometimes' disappear" and the relation with all the "sometimes" written on every line of the riffs.
If you take out all "sometimes" of the song.. it makes a really saddy song haha

Ced
 
I like it... I'm assuming there's quite a bit going on musically? Otherwise maybe there should be, but the lyrics are great as a base.
 
its a good change..

most songs now are about a girl leaving you and you want her back. my songs are about a girl leaving you, crawling back, and then telling her where to go.. maybe thats why my songs arent popular...
 
TragikRemix said:
its a good change..

most songs now are about a girl leaving you and you want her back. my songs are about a girl leaving you, crawling back, and then telling her where to go.. maybe thats why my songs arent popular...
Click to expand...

There are country songs like that...

Speaking of which...Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your house back, your woman back, your truck starts...
 
mjr said:
It's not set in stone, but I'd like thoughts on these lyrics:

"Sometimes"
Lyrics and Music by Monte Richardson
Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

Sometimes I feel like I can't get ahead
and sometimes I feel like I can't get a break.
Sometimes I feel like I can't cut it,
and I'll always be running behind.

Chorus:
(But) When I'm with you
all the bad turns to good
and the frustration fades away
and all these "sometimes" disappear

Yeah sometimes this world's hard on me
and sometimes I'm insecure
Sometimes this world moves too fast
But one thing I know for sure

(chorus)

Sometimes I feel a little blue
and sometimes the struggles pull at my heartstrings
Sometimes my job gets me down
and sometimes it all makes me sad

(chorus)
Click to expand...
Good start - I would suggest the following:

- could use some more rhyming. Verse two is perfect - nice shape, meter, rhyme. I'm just a rhyming fan, I guess.

- a nice bridge to lift it up after the second chorus. Thinking like up a fourth as mentioned in the other post. I feel lots of potential for a bridge here....

:D :) :D
 
i think, thought its named sometimes, it may be overusing it. there's some cliche you may want to stear from and find a personalized way to say it to make a connection with the listener in a different way. i bolded the cliche...

Originally Posted by mjr
It's not set in stone, but I'd like thoughts on these lyrics:

Sometimes I feel like I can't get ahead
no, I feel like I can't get a break.
Sometimes I feel like I can't cut it,
and I'll always be running behind.

Chorus:
(But) When I'm with you
all the bad turns to good
and the frustration fades away
and all these "sometimes" disappear

Yeah sometimes this world's hard on me
and sometimes I'm insecure
Sometimes this world moves too fast
But one thing I know for sure

(chorus)

Sometimes I feel a little blue
and sometimes the struggles pull at my heartstrings
Sometimes my job gets me down
and sometimes it all makes me sad<<this part seems too direct.

(chorus)
 
Well, simplistic lyrics are what I write too. Sometimes they work.

Here's a perfect example of gold:

I feel good.
I knew that I would.
I feel nice.
Like sugar and spice.

So good.
So good.

I got you.

--------

See what I mean? That song is still going strong fifty years later. It shows up in movies and TV all the time.

James Brown is a legend. Here's more of his:

Papa don't take no mess.
Papa don't take NO mess.

Papa is a man,
who can understand,
that a man had to do
whatever he can...hit me.


Papa didn't cuss.
He didn't raise a whole lotta fuss.
But when we done wrong,
Papa beat the hell out of us....hit me.

I saw Papa cry,
when he thought that I would die.
I saw Papa cry,
When he thought that I would die.
He said something was in his eye.
I knew it was a lie....hit me.
 
TragikRemix said:
its a good change..

most songs now are about a girl leaving you and you want her back. my songs are about a girl leaving you, crawling back, and then telling her where to go.. maybe thats why my songs arent popular...
Click to expand...

ive a couple of those too! they make ME happy
 
David M said:
Sorry but that one didn't work for me. Just kind'a boring.
Click to expand...

It's cool. Not every song is gonna work for everyone. :)
 
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