Just wanting some opinions

[Weatherornot]

Hey this a song I jsut finished check it out. Tell me what you think.

Bronze Dime (Can’t stop seeing you)

The lonesome manes lull on the blades of the grass where we once necked
You’re Judas kiss combed to my lips then marooned like all the rest
Well I try too keep my bones airy and avoid you’re freckles cape
But in my dreams I’m still seeing you’re face

In white chrome you stand with bronze-like skin shoulder to you’re ear
You’re thin cubits dangle as I untangle the veins behind you’re tears
Well I try to keep my bite too soft and continue with no pace
But in my dreams I’m still seeing you’re face

And you’re different like a bronze dime
And you’re a pebble in my shoe
And I know I’m crass part of the time
But its cuz baby I cant stop seeing you

 

[Weatherornot]

Anyone ?dont be shy

 

[NationalSandwic]

hi weather...

ok, not to nit-pick, but it's "your" (possesive) not "you're" (=you are)

i'm finding it difficult to crit things when i can't hear them. i'll say a couple of things anyway:

-LOTS of imagery, which is nice. but i don't understand some of it...
white chrome?
freckless cape?
a judas kiss is the kiss of a traitor, isn't it? not very romantic!
i don't know what the significance of a bronze dime is?
-i like the sensuality of the lyric.

if you've got a recording, why not post a link. ciao