Just wanna get some throughts on these lyrics....

[limetree]

I was sorta Channeling Bright Eyes in the Digital Ash days on this one.

I never knew your heart had an off switch

Like everything you felt was subject

To the mood that you felt on any given day

I always tried to be one up on the competition

And maybe my persuasive ways beat you into submission

For a while, we would smile, grab a towel, the clean one's on the pile

But nothing's meant to last, there was a girl long ago who taught me that

Now I'm reminded that a mended heart is no guarantee

No, Nothing's meant to last, just like a scene in a play or a photograph

They all can fade, yes they all can burn, can be thrown away like lessons unlearned

And now I know why I wasnt in the pictures

that she took with on the phone she always took with her

Made it easier to adjust when she wanted to crop me out of her picture

And I think back to the time I was with her

Building a fort on my parents' living room floor

I gave her everything i was

She needed more

But nothing's meant to last, I've learned that now, you made sure of that

Now I'm reminded I can count on no one but myself

No, nothings meant to last, like a last goodbye or a heart attack

They all cause pain and then its done, you call 911 or you've lost someone

 

[dreamweaver]

What's your hook?


The lyric seems all over the place. Seriously, I think I got whiplash from reading this.

Forts, towels, camera phones, heart attacks, competition, ... ???????

Is this a "breakup" song, "remembering a long ago breakup" song, "pity party" song, or just a "stream of consciousness perforated generation" song?

 

[Supercreep]

I think the lyrics are quite good. The thing is, phrasing and delivery are EVERYTHING. So it's hard to say what will work and what won't until you actually put it to music.

 

[gecko zzed]

The lyrics are interesting, intriguing and original.

The absence of an implied structure and context makes it difficult to figure out how they would fit into a song. It could easily be a rap type of thing.

The last four lines would make a reasonable chorus, and 'but nothing's meant to last' is a pretty neat hook.

 

[grimtraveller]

I have a funny thing with lyrics. I love lyrics but I have to like the song they're in first before I appreciate them because just seeing them written down does nothing for me. It would be a case of hearing and digging the fantastic song the lyric is part of that would get me thinking about the lyric. The vice is also versa, a weak lyric in a great song becomes a, at least passable, lyric.
This lyric reads like a pity party. But that's not a bad thing. Some of the best songs have been pity parties.
One of my close friends writes songs and when she shows me the lyrics, I nearly always burst out laughing. Most of her lyrics are sort of bitter rants against some guy that's hurt her or some friend that's upset her. They make her look twisted and neurotic. Until she sings the songs. Such lovely memorable melodies.........

 

[rayc]

Interesting read but...
the 1st 6 lines suggest a rap would be the style of delivery.
After that I can't find a metre or rhyming scheme to latch onto.
Reference to earlier works might be needed.
take, for example Harry Nilsson when he suggested...
"you put the Lime in the coconut & drink them both together
Put the lime in the coconut & then you'll feel better".
Back on track:
Time to rework fairly ruthlessly by removing things that don't quite work - like the idea that a scene in a play & a photograph are equally transient. By making your metre and rhyming scheme (if you're using one - not compulsory at all) reasonably obvious and, if you want to use these as lyrics - reading & recording them against a click track or beat so you can work out how to make them fit into a musical struvture.
Good start - keep at it.

 

[limetree]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm going to try to post a recorded demo of the song as soon as I can, having a few technical difficulties at the moment however, as you'll see in my other posts on here lol. I should have made it clear where the verses and hooks are, the "hook" or chorus of the song is where it starts "but nothing's meant to last" and ends with "unlearned" and "someone." As for the sound, it's notr a rap, honestly I was sort of channeling the sound of Bright Eyes' Album "Digital Ash in a Digital Urn."

And yes, its very much a pity party song.