im in a bind with lyrics

[kylosius]

i am really in a bind here. i wrote what i call dark, but ironic lyrics. problem is, its only one verse. i dont know if i can make it a chorus, verse, bridge or even a full song. i have an mp3 which i will post on nowhereradio.com/emopunker. the song is called "come on". i'll admit, the quality of the recording isn't great and there is some clipping to the file, but im looking to see if this song is salvageable. not to mention i was getting used to using cool edit pro so i threw in sme keyboard, a bad bass guitar, pitch shift backing vox. pretty much anything you can do to have fun when recording something.

come on
(lyrics and music by kyle)

come one to the lake with me,
today's a good day for a drowning
come on take a ride with me,
today's a good day for a crashing
come on get drunk with me,
doesn't alcohol poisoning sound so tempting

 

[joro]

oh boy..............




kyle.....this is sort of like that..."and the dog's could smell her" tune....
Creed...or Nirvana.. some band like that....

pretty dark man.....put a story to it now that you have actions associated with it...add characters and describe them or events they are involved with....maybe a timeline...even time changes during your day at the lake........

Good luck man,
Joe

 

[terocious]

"The ocean doesn't want me today"

I went to listen but only found your Bio. (or was that bile?) Argh! ifn ya need me i'll be in the F'castle.

 

[kylosius]

its under the singles section

 

[terocious]

Got it.
Very often if I have some bit I like but don't know what to do with I will make it a part of something else. Now perhaps you suggested this in repeating it three times and getting softer on the third but I could easily here this attached to the end of another song. The lines themselves worked well for me with the music.
-b

 

[small]

suggestions

Pretty good start for something.
You might be able to extend each line into a whole verse. The first verse could be the drowning verse, second the car verse etc. Each verse could contain a mini-story or act as a metaphor. If you could tie it together with an overall theme like responsibillity for one's actions (that could be topical) you might have something. Maybe add another line along the same lines but instead of something physical (crash, alcohol poisoning) you could go with something emotional or spiritual to drive it all home or act as the subject of metaphor for the previous lines. Hope this helps.

Good initial seed for a song. Good luck.

love on
-small