I Wanna Get Close To you

  • Thread starter Thread starter Irwin abrigo
  • Start date Start date
Irwin abrigo

Irwin abrigo

Active member
Do I have to make any changes in this lyric?

I am adding a link of voice only to demonstrate the way I have it as to how the melody sounds in my head.Please have a listen here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1fPx53P014


I Wanna Get Close To you
©2014 Irwin Abrigo
-
V1
I know you love to Laugh
You have a beautiful smile
Looking into your eyes
Leaves a picture in my mind
-
(Chorus)
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I'll do what you want me too
If I can get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
Baby tell me what to do
So I can get close to you
-
V2
I don't to know your number
I would like to know your name
I Wanna get closer
Wantin knowing we're the same
-
(Chorus)
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I'll do what you want me too
Just to get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
Baby tell me what to do
So I can get close to you
-
(Bridge)
many times our eyes meet
When walking out on the streets
Hoping you would pass today
So I can say what I wanna say
-
(Change)
If you're thinking what I'm thinking
If you are single I am single
You wanna walk you wanna talk
Wanna fall in love I wanna fall in love
-
(Chorus)
 
First, posting "Do I have to make any changes in this lyric?" is usually like pulling the trigger on a shotgun. Everyone has their own style of writing, and will give all sorts of advice.
Second, I love this lyric. It is cute and giving a shy guy trying to work up the courage vibe in a vibrant, well thought out style. You've skated (but effectively avoided) the potential stalker vibe that sometimes comes with this vibe.
Lastly, the first verse could use a little tuning. The line about looking into your eyes implies way too intimate a relationship for the vibe in my second point. And although rhyming with "smile" isn't necessary, there are lots of options there. Maybe something like (and this is going to be kinda clumsy as I'm not the greatest lyricist) "Watching you walk by Tells me you'll be worth my while" or possibly come up with something about her undeniable style.
Of course your bridge kind of effectively drops that point, but it would open up like a budding relationship to leave it for later in the song. Your bridge says it so much better.
 
You may want to pull the bridge in sooner as this sets up the rest of the song. I would also suggest to bring in some of your cultural background into the song. To me, this is what makes a song. You have a typical song and typical song approach. Nothing wrong there, but nothing unique. Brings us your world, that is what I would like to hear/read in song lyrics. Give us something we might not have seen/heard/read.

I like to fresh sounds on an old topic. Make it yours. That would be my suggestion.
 
Broken_H, I appreciate you reading my song lyric. Having you listen to my video means a lot. Thank you very much for the comments that you've made.

Irwin
 
David, you suggested I bring in some of my cultural background into the song. good idea. thank you.
 
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