I havent written in a while.

[demensia]

Just jotted this down.. please let me know if its something that can be made better... (I'm a guitar player, not a songwriter) sadly I had the tune of puff the magic dragon in my head at the time.. I really hope that goes away.


wake up in the morning
crawl out of bed
search around for my shoes
then stop and shake my head.
what the hell have I done
what the hell have I said
I can only go on
to watch as life unthreads

get up to make a copy
the thought is back again
Ill never feel quite right
just remember where Ive been
and everything seems so surreal
suppressed deep down within
I hope it goes away soon
I hope someday I win

stand up to mix and mingle
and make way through the night
about they stand like statues
coversations i'll recite
i dont think that they'll notice
that something isnt right
i roll my eyes behind my head
and carry on despite.

when my head hits the pillow
ill reflect upon the day
at how the world is so messed up
and everything is gray
i think of all the people
their lives are all display
and now I must remember
the person i portray.

 

[bdbdbuck]

Sounds like ol Puff had a pretty rough day!

Not bad though, Puff ever leave?

bd

 

[LanaCrowley]

Where have you been ??

it seems you are telling several stories in one..

I kinda get confused....lol

you can probably make a couple of compositions out of this one ...

you want to paint a picture in your listeners mind.... if they cannot see what you are trying to tell them .. they are going to turn it off..

I like your concept ... but I get no clear picture of what you are trying to tell me ...

 

[Jagular]

I’ll agree with Lana about not getting a clear picture of what you are writing about. It seems to me that you are really talking around the whole point of the song and not really getting to said point. I’ll bet you know what it is you are trying to say in your head, but you are being very coy about it when you write it down.

Is this by chance something personal (and maybe a bit painful) to you? I get the sense that you are not telling the whole story . Sometimes a songwriter needs to bare his soul to get that special song and that’s seldom comfortable.

I also am not seeing a typical song structure here. Usually a song has one constant that brings the story together at various places in the song. This usually takes the form of a chorus or refrain. Your structure here appears to be verse, verse, verse, verse. This is doable, but usually in this structure, there will be a tag line or refrain at the end of each verse that is common to each verse.

Just an off the cuff suggestion for this song would be to pare down what you are saying in the verses. Add a chorus which contains the main thrust of what you are trying to say in the song and get the verses to have a close relationship that builds to your main point (chorus). Then you could have a verse, chorus, verse, chorus…. Or maybe verse, verse, chorus, verse (or bridge if you want to get fancy ) structure.

Or, you could just ignore all my structure ramblings because there are examples of good & popular songs that ignore standard structures all together (all though they are infrequent).

Good luck mate & keep writing.

Oh... and P.S. why did you bring up Puff the Magic Dragon. I can't get that feaking melody out of my head now

 

[demensia]

Thanks for the replies.

The song is just written as I go through my day.. from waking up in the first verse, to making copies at work in the second verse, any other activities after work in the third verse, and then going to sleep at night..

The first half of the song I'm talking about how I slept with a girl that I didnt like the night before, but the second half of the song is about how I loathe the people I run into on a daily basis, and how superficial and fake they seem.

Maybe I should Kill the first verse?

I'm at work right now so I cant really sit down and think up a chorus, but I'm sure I can come up with something.

Yeah.. Puff the magic dragon has to go.. I started taking singing lessons, and that is the song that the instructor has me singing... Christ.

 

[Jagular]

Yeah.. Puff the magic dragon has to go.. I started taking singing lessons, and that is the song that the instructor has me singing... Christ.

Bwahahahaha.....!!!

Sorry