M
mark_guinn
New member
Here is a song to critique:
LI Slim
New member
It's a good song, Mark.
I had some trouble making out the lyrics because the vocal is too low and far back in the mix.
I like the way the melody varies as the intensity of the song builds, and I like the sort of double climax separated by the section where the instruments hit and go silent.
It's rhythmically interesting, with the alternating emhasis on the off-beat (up-beat? I'm not good at rhythm terminology).
I think the vocal wailing as the song progresses works well with the theme of loneliness.
There is an issue -- I don't know what the answer is -- about whether so blatantly stating the emotion, like "I'm so scared of being alone", is most effective. Some might say that the lyric should create more of an image or rely more on describing the moment in the relationship that gives rise to the feeling of loneliness. Know what I mean?
Well performed, too.
I had some trouble making out the lyrics because the vocal is too low and far back in the mix.
I like the way the melody varies as the intensity of the song builds, and I like the sort of double climax separated by the section where the instruments hit and go silent.
It's rhythmically interesting, with the alternating emhasis on the off-beat (up-beat? I'm not good at rhythm terminology).
I think the vocal wailing as the song progresses works well with the theme of loneliness.
There is an issue -- I don't know what the answer is -- about whether so blatantly stating the emotion, like "I'm so scared of being alone", is most effective. Some might say that the lyric should create more of an image or rely more on describing the moment in the relationship that gives rise to the feeling of loneliness. Know what I mean?
Well performed, too.
M
mark_guinn
New member
Thanks for responding. It's really good to have some feedback from people who know what they are talking about. Sorry about the vocals being too low. This is just a demo that I put down to get the arrangement straight and stuff. That's why the singing is a little rough--wrong notes, voice cracks, etc. I'm glad you liked it.
I hear what you're saying about the lyrics of the chorus. I tend to say things too directly. I really like the way those lyrics sit though, and I like the juxtaposition of home and lonely between the first and second half. I tried to use the verses to paint the pictures.
Just in case you were curious, here are the lyrics (some of them aren't quite right on the demo anyway):
These eyes that rise to greet me don't tell me what I want
These dreams that I've been dreaming only serve to set me up
For all these dissappointing things
Nothing stings like dissappointment stings
And still the phone never rings
I'm not scared of being lonely
I'm not scared of taking you home
But I'm scared of being homely
And I'm tired of being alone
There's so much I want to tell you but you know I don't know how
And these feet that run to greet you always end up in my mouth
Now I wonder if it was all real
Or did I fall for the way you make me feel?
Did I mistake the orange for the peel?
Chorus
'Cause in my mind I guess I bought the ring
Nothing sings like these sad sirens sing
And I thought you'd change everything
Well, thanks again for the feedback. I'd still like to hear what some of the others think...
I hear what you're saying about the lyrics of the chorus. I tend to say things too directly. I really like the way those lyrics sit though, and I like the juxtaposition of home and lonely between the first and second half. I tried to use the verses to paint the pictures.
Just in case you were curious, here are the lyrics (some of them aren't quite right on the demo anyway):
These eyes that rise to greet me don't tell me what I want
These dreams that I've been dreaming only serve to set me up
For all these dissappointing things
Nothing stings like dissappointment stings
And still the phone never rings
I'm not scared of being lonely
I'm not scared of taking you home
But I'm scared of being homely
And I'm tired of being alone
There's so much I want to tell you but you know I don't know how
And these feet that run to greet you always end up in my mouth
Now I wonder if it was all real
Or did I fall for the way you make me feel?
Did I mistake the orange for the peel?
Chorus
'Cause in my mind I guess I bought the ring
Nothing sings like these sad sirens sing
And I thought you'd change everything
Well, thanks again for the feedback. I'd still like to hear what some of the others think...
badgas
New member
Hi Mark.
I listened to your song last night. But I also listened to the another guys song, or melody of songs. I was still reeling from his when I listened to yours, so I didn't want to comment on yours.
I listened to it a few more times today.
Like the other guys songs, your music differs from what I play. But I'll say this, the more I listened to it, the more I liked it. And the addition of the printed words really helped to make the words out.
I have to agree with what Li said about everything except the blantant part. It's an emotional song, would make a good blues song. Anyway, the singer is stating his feelings and in doing so is pouring his soul out to the lady. I found the song was pretty good.
A bit about the guitars, and this is only what I'd do, is add a little more, possibly cleaner, guitar into the background. Let the guitar emphisize the aching the singer is feeling in a softer way. Let it speak his sorrow with him. Cry and feel the lonelyness. Not with a lot of effects, just moody.
But not being really familar with that style of music, I could be blabbing about something that is the style of your sound.
For a demo in the process, it's really good. I hope you post the finished product when it's done.
I listened to your song last night. But I also listened to the another guys song, or melody of songs. I was still reeling from his when I listened to yours, so I didn't want to comment on yours.
I listened to it a few more times today.
Like the other guys songs, your music differs from what I play. But I'll say this, the more I listened to it, the more I liked it. And the addition of the printed words really helped to make the words out.
I have to agree with what Li said about everything except the blantant part. It's an emotional song, would make a good blues song. Anyway, the singer is stating his feelings and in doing so is pouring his soul out to the lady. I found the song was pretty good.
A bit about the guitars, and this is only what I'd do, is add a little more, possibly cleaner, guitar into the background. Let the guitar emphisize the aching the singer is feeling in a softer way. Let it speak his sorrow with him. Cry and feel the lonelyness. Not with a lot of effects, just moody.
But not being really familar with that style of music, I could be blabbing about something that is the style of your sound.
For a demo in the process, it's really good. I hope you post the finished product when it's done.
J
jlwayub
New member
song was good I thought
I liked the song , well done, I know very little about recording but I intend to learn.
I really think some day I will pull something like that off. I thought you built that song well, the vocals were fine to me, understated sometimes is more appropriate, just looked down saw the lyrics....
liked them till I saw afraid of being homely... come on, don't know what would be better but lose the homley phobia....
like "im just tired of all dis baloney" would work... well ok maybe not but you'll think of something. or maybe i'll meet someone from missori who'll show me...
keep up the good work.
I liked the song , well done, I know very little about recording but I intend to learn.
I really think some day I will pull something like that off. I thought you built that song well, the vocals were fine to me, understated sometimes is more appropriate, just looked down saw the lyrics....
liked them till I saw afraid of being homely... come on, don't know what would be better but lose the homley phobia....
like "im just tired of all dis baloney" would work... well ok maybe not but you'll think of something. or maybe i'll meet someone from missori who'll show me...
keep up the good work.
M
mark_guinn
New member
Thanks guys. Actually, the "homely" line is the focal point of the song for me. Being homely is the scariest thing of all--being plain and uninteresting is almost even worse than being ugly. It's almost like "I'm not really that bummed that you're leaving as much as I'm afraid that I'm boring." I agree that "homely" isn't the greatest word, but in the context I think it works. Thanks for the input, though.
M
Majestak
New member
Well Mark... here's my completely subjective opinions/critiques.
To me, you sounded like a mix between Dave Matthews, Neil Diamond, and Tom Petty.
Your style seemed to be on an easy listening type of tip (I don't know what genre exactly...folk? blues? I'm not much on any type of music except for hip hop and rock'n'roll). The only thing I heard that I would say was "off" (taking into account that you said it was a demo version) was when you lowered the pitch in your voice in the chorus on the word "home" from the line "I'm not scared of taking you home". It might sound better if you stayed the same pitch on it... or maybe a slower transition to the low pitch, especially since throughout the rest of the song you tend to RAISE your voice (if/when you change pitch) when you hold a note. Uniformity will save us all Mark.
I'd like to commend you on your poetic skills as well. Your interweaving of rhymes, repeating of syllables and words makes for a fun listening expirience. I particularly liked the line "Nothing sings like these sad sirens sing" where you used one of my favorite lyracist techniques (the ol' tonguetwister). Homely line didn't sound TOO bad. I don't know, I do agree that it seems a bit off in your more colorful scheme of wordplay.
I also thought the last three lines were nice additives to your song, adding a bit of spice. The almost hip hopish way you sang them and the guitar pauses is what reminded me of Dave Matthews.
To me, you sounded like a mix between Dave Matthews, Neil Diamond, and Tom Petty.
Your style seemed to be on an easy listening type of tip (I don't know what genre exactly...folk? blues? I'm not much on any type of music except for hip hop and rock'n'roll). The only thing I heard that I would say was "off" (taking into account that you said it was a demo version) was when you lowered the pitch in your voice in the chorus on the word "home" from the line "I'm not scared of taking you home". It might sound better if you stayed the same pitch on it... or maybe a slower transition to the low pitch, especially since throughout the rest of the song you tend to RAISE your voice (if/when you change pitch) when you hold a note. Uniformity will save us all Mark.
I'd like to commend you on your poetic skills as well. Your interweaving of rhymes, repeating of syllables and words makes for a fun listening expirience. I particularly liked the line "Nothing sings like these sad sirens sing" where you used one of my favorite lyracist techniques (the ol' tonguetwister). Homely line didn't sound TOO bad. I don't know, I do agree that it seems a bit off in your more colorful scheme of wordplay.
I also thought the last three lines were nice additives to your song, adding a bit of spice. The almost hip hopish way you sang them and the guitar pauses is what reminded me of Dave Matthews.