hixmix
Halibut, North Dakota
A friend of mine just e-mailed me this:
> How to Write a Blues Song
>
>
>
> 1. Most Blues tunes begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
>
>
>
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
> stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
> with the meanest face in town."
>
>
>
> 3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
> Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the
> meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
> in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
>
>
>
> 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
> a ditch -- ain't no way out.
>
>
>
> 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks.
> Blues don't ride around in Volvos, Benzes, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues
> transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
> and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
> plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
> die.
>
>
>
> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
> sing the Blues. In the Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
> get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>
>
>
> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
> in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
> clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still
> the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
> place that don't get rain.
>
>
>
> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
> male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is
> not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it
> is.
>
>
>
> 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
> is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
>
>
>
> 10. Good places for the Blues:
> a. highway
> b. jailhouse
> c. empty bed
> d. bottom of a whiskey glass
>
>
>
> Bad places for the Blues:
> a. Nordstrom's
> b. gallery openings
> c. Ivy League institutions
> d. golf courses
> e. resort hotels
>
>
>
> 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless
> you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
>
>
>
> 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
> Yes, if:
> a. you're older than dirt
> b. you're blind
> c. you shot a man in Memphis
> d. you can't be satisfied
>
>
>
> No, if:
> a. you have all your teeth
> b. you were once blind but now can see
> c. the man in Memphis lived
> d. you have a 401K or trust fund
>
>
>
> 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
> Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people
> also got a leg up on the blues.
>
>
>
> 14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
> Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
> a. cheap wine
> b. whiskey or bourbon
> c. muddy water
> d. nasty black coffee
>
>
>
> The following are NOT Blues beverages:
> a. Perrier
> b. Chardonnay
> c. Snapple
> d. Slim Fast
> e. Diet Coke
>
>
>
> 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
> death. Gettin' stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
> good Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse
> and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
>
>
>
> You can't have a Blues death if you die during a golf or tennis
> match or while getting liposuction.
>
>
>
> 16. Some Blues names for women:
> a. Sadie
> b. Big Mama
> c. Bessie
> d. Fat River Dumpling
> e. Caledonia
>
>
>
> 17. Some Blues names for men:
> a. Joe
> b. Willie
> c. Little Willie
> d. Big Willie
> e. Leroy
>
>
>
> 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke,
> Brittany and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men
> they shoot in Memphis.
>
>
>
> 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>
>
>
> For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
> Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (OK, maybe not "Kiwi.")
>
>
>
> 20. Oh, by the way. I don't care how tragic your life is, if you own a
> computer, you cannot sing the blues.
> How to Write a Blues Song
>
>
>
> 1. Most Blues tunes begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
>
>
>
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
> stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
> with the meanest face in town."
>
>
>
> 3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
> Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the
> meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
> in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
>
>
>
> 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
> a ditch -- ain't no way out.
>
>
>
> 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks.
> Blues don't ride around in Volvos, Benzes, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues
> transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
> and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
> plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
> die.
>
>
>
> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
> sing the Blues. In the Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
> get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>
>
>
> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
> in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
> clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still
> the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
> place that don't get rain.
>
>
>
> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
> male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is
> not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it
> is.
>
>
>
> 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
> is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
>
>
>
> 10. Good places for the Blues:
> a. highway
> b. jailhouse
> c. empty bed
> d. bottom of a whiskey glass
>
>
>
> Bad places for the Blues:
> a. Nordstrom's
> b. gallery openings
> c. Ivy League institutions
> d. golf courses
> e. resort hotels
>
>
>
> 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless
> you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
>
>
>
> 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
> Yes, if:
> a. you're older than dirt
> b. you're blind
> c. you shot a man in Memphis
> d. you can't be satisfied
>
>
>
> No, if:
> a. you have all your teeth
> b. you were once blind but now can see
> c. the man in Memphis lived
> d. you have a 401K or trust fund
>
>
>
> 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
> Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people
> also got a leg up on the blues.
>
>
>
> 14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
> Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
> a. cheap wine
> b. whiskey or bourbon
> c. muddy water
> d. nasty black coffee
>
>
>
> The following are NOT Blues beverages:
> a. Perrier
> b. Chardonnay
> c. Snapple
> d. Slim Fast
> e. Diet Coke
>
>
>
> 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
> death. Gettin' stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
> good Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse
> and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
>
>
>
> You can't have a Blues death if you die during a golf or tennis
> match or while getting liposuction.
>
>
>
> 16. Some Blues names for women:
> a. Sadie
> b. Big Mama
> c. Bessie
> d. Fat River Dumpling
> e. Caledonia
>
>
>
> 17. Some Blues names for men:
> a. Joe
> b. Willie
> c. Little Willie
> d. Big Willie
> e. Leroy
>
>
>
> 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke,
> Brittany and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men
> they shoot in Memphis.
>
>
>
> 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>
>
>
> For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
> Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (OK, maybe not "Kiwi.")
>
>
>
> 20. Oh, by the way. I don't care how tragic your life is, if you own a
> computer, you cannot sing the blues.
