Holy Crap! This BBS has a SONGWRITING FORUM?!?!

[chrisharris]

Hi: I don't hang out in here much, and I have no idea why that is.

Anyway, if the following is in breach of this forum's etiquette, apologies from me in advance, but I've got this tune that did a simple mix for that is just not really done in my mind, and I thought I'd post it here and see if anybody had any ideas or might want to re-write it or at least tell me to give up the ghost on this one and move on, lol.

My thoughts...If I'd done a competent job of writing it, I wouldn't really have to explain what it's about or post the lyrics, but this one reaks of incompetence, so I'll say that the idea is kind of a narrative to one of those people in your life that you know but don't really "know." Ya' know? lol. Some people are just distant, and then they're just gone, and they don't really get close to anybody, but they get by...or get gone. Hey, maybe I can make THAT rhyme.

Anyway, ignore the mix if you bother to listen...the high end got pretty hyped somewhere, and there are no mids in it, but that's really neither here nor there, I guess, since I don't like it anyway in its current form.

www.nowhereradio.com/honestmango/singles
"WALLS"

Anyway, the reason I keep not ditching this tune is b/c of the chorus...I think it has potential (melodically, at least), but the song never really goes anywhere.

And it is with some embarrassment that I post the lyrics, but you probably can't understand my vocal through all the "air" in the track, lol...


WALLS
I’ve known you for forever,
But I don’t know you at all,
I would have known you better,
But you put up all your walls…
Our words they flowed like water,
But they never did run very deep,
I know the way, you go and you stay,
And secrets are all you can keep
Would you tell me:

What do you dream of when you’re sleeping,
Do you even dream at all,
What are the secrets you’ve been keeping,
What’s it like living, unforgiving - behind the walls.

The walls surround you only,
Cuz you’re safe when you’re alone,
But I know lonely,
Has dangers of its own.
So your quiet desperation,
It goes on and on and on,
You take your salvation,
Only from being gone,
I only wish I’d known

What do you dream of when you’re sleeping,
Do you even dream at all,
What are the secrets you’ve been keeping,
What’s it like living, unforgiving - behind the walls.

And I don’t know why I need to say goodbye,
To a person I don’t even know,
We barely even said hello

So again, sorry if this isn't done like this, but if anybody gets inspired, lol...BRING IT!!!

open to anything...tempo change, key change, total rewrite...theft of the underlying melody, whatever, lol.

THANKS,
Chris

 

[Slaps Forehead]

Ive known you for forever,
But there's a girl I don't know at all,
I might have known you better,
But all I see is wall
Our words ran like river water,
But never river deep,
I know the way, you go and you stay,
But what's in your heart, you keep
Would you tell me:

What do you dream of when youre sleeping,
Do you even dream at all,
What are the secrets youve been keeping,
Whats it like living, unforgiving - behind the wall.

(crowd noise )
Ho!
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat??

The wall protects you only,
Youre safe when youre alone,
But I know living lonely,
Has dangers of its own.
So your wordless desperation,
Goes on and on and on,
You take your safe salvation,
All the way to "gone",
I only wish I'd known

What do you dream of when youre sleeping,
Do you even dream at all,
What are the secrets youve been keeping,
Whats it like living, unforgiving - behind the wall.

And I dont know why I need to say goodbye,
To this girl I dont even know,
We barely even said hello
Why why why why why why do you say goodbye, hello, ohh-hh! Hello...

Pay no attention to the psycho in italics... My meds are supposed to keep him under control.

Seriously, I just thought it just needed a little de-pedestrianing, a little mystery - a bit less psychobabble, a bit more poetry babble. And I couldn't listen - so this was just me taking a stab at lyrics...

Use 'em or don't...

Also, the tag isn't making a lot of sense - if you've been talking lots, as your other lyrics seem to say, "we barely even said hello" would contradict that. Wasn't sure what to replace it with, though.

It was decent to start with, Chris - you always write good stuff.

 

[Layla Nahar]

Seriously, I just thought it just needed a little de-pedestrianing, a little mystery - a bit less psychobabble, a bit more poetry babble. [/B]

I am constantly fighting the same beast myself. exactly as you said.

I get away from it best when i focus on images rather than thoughts.

when you study prose writing they say 'show, don't tell"

but it aint always easy.

 

[the dude]

Nice tune, man! I dig the chorus and harmonies! I checked out "she looks to heaven" or something with you 12 yo daughter singing??? She is wicked good, man!!! NO shit, has a very mature voice for being that young. That's awesome! keep her interested!! later man the dude

 

[chrisharris]

(crowd noise )
Ho!
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat??

That was damned funny. Hey, speaking of funny, did you ever yell that line out at a party in high school with the substitution of "beat" for "eat."...good times, good times, lol.

Good ideas, by the way, but I've moved on now...I'm changing the melody to pretty much just copy "Hey Jude," and I'm gonna' bump it up to mid tempo and put it in form #3 and retire on the royalties.

(forgot to mention that this isn't one of those "commercial" candidates, lol).

 

[joro]

Holy Crap! This BBS has a SONGWRITING FORUM?!?!

open to anything...tempo change, key change, total rewrite...theft of the underlying melody, whatever, lol.


Good ideas, by the way, but I've moved on now...


Chris

a little fickle.......................aint cha?

 

[studioviols]

would ya please post a copy of the mix with no vocal, cuz ... I mean it really SUCKS ... that I can't sing it

I want to participate in the processional towards another fantastic Chris song ...

Leave the backups in if ya want ta do this.

Purely for ideas and learning, I'm not asking to sing in any release or final release, just for ideas, and I can get my foot in the door here for a fiddle track or two on this ;-) ...

Gotta get this jewel written first, add some continuity, it's to 'broken up' ...

I think it's a touch to slow also, by about 2 - 5 points bbs.

 

[Gidge]

Good ideas, by the way, but I've moved on now...

Damn, i was looking forward to a Chris Harris collab....whats a brutha gotta do to get in on a project with ya, redneck?.....

 

[philboyd studge]

I don't see a hook.

'What do you dream of when you're sleepin' - an interesting line but kinda posessive.

Needs a riff.

Words gotta flow
Like a butter knife
Through mashed potatoes

Can't have hanging consonants


It's a good song Criss, now go to work on it.

 

[studioviols]

re-write

WALLS
known you for forever, don’t know you at all,
could have known you better, couldn't climb the walls.
words flowed like water, they never did run deep,
I know the way, to the secrets that you keep

So tell me : (<- hook candidate)

What do you dream of when you’re sleeping,
Do you even dream at all ?
What are the secrets you’ve been keeping,
living behind the unforgiving walls.

So tell me :

Are you safe when you're alone ?
Are you lonely behind you're walls ?
Is it dangerous to question your quiet desperation.

So tell me :

Does it go on and on ?
Is your salvation being gone ?

I only wish I’d known

So tell me :

What do you dream of when you’re sleeping,
Do you even dream at all,
What are the secrets you’ve been keeping,
living behind the unforgiving walls.

So tell me :

Why do I need to say goodbye, to a person I don’t even know ?
We barely even said hello.

 

[the Ozlee]

Nice work on the lyrics Studioviols! They might not work with the original music, but they are overall an improvement IMHO.

 

[studioviols]

ROFL, I just realized that I'm crafting the lyric to Jim Soloway's piece that I'm working on a String Arrangement for ... they melody that Jim 'suggests' with the movement of the guitars fits that gol durn verse here ... that's so freeeeeeeeekeeeeey.

 

[jerberson12]

sounds like everything is a little off!