'Hey Girl' Lyrics. Critics needed.

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.Tyson Studios.

.Tyson Studios.

I LOST THE GAME
Me and my bud were writing lyrics last night. They sound ametuer but then again, I am ametuer. I'd like all the feedback and the hardest criticisim I can get. Thanks!



Hey girl, I want you back, But I know,
Your in love with the quarterback, Who knows,
It could be alot more than that,
Hey girl, yea I'm crawlin back to you.

Just here so lonely,
Layin on the couch tryin t'get cozy.
Hey girl, I wish you were here.
Cause I know your the one and only!



Everytime I see you it reminds me of the good day.
The good days, yea, the good days.
But now my life is more of a haze.
A haze, a deep dark haze.

Everyday! Every minute!
Every second, I'm thinkin' bout you.
Everyday! Every minute!
Every second, I'm dying without you!



Hey girl, put all this stuff behind,
Our love could be totally redefined,
Brand new start from the beginning,
Hey girl, please press rewind.

BTW as you can probably tell, it's not finished. Again, please tell me what you think!

:cool:
 
As actual lyrics, well, OK. With good arresting music and a memorable melody, any set of lyrics work.
There are some of us that like lyrics and like to go into them, their actual meaning and the mind behind the words. If, in real life you ever said those words to a woman {or vice versa, from a woman to a man, or come to think of it, whichever way}, I think you'd be asking to get trodden all over if said person got out of bed on the wrong side and was in a mood with you........There's a universe of difference between showing sometime vulnerability and begging to be booted about ! :D I'd like to say to the guy in the song "What are you crawling for ? She obviously doesn't want you. Leave her and the quarterback alone ! Take up golf or DIY or voluntary work with disturbed kids...!".
 
grimtraveller said:
As actual lyrics, well, OK. With good arresting music and a memorable melody, any set of lyrics work.
There are some of us that like lyrics and like to go into them, their actual meaning and the mind behind the words. If, in real life you ever said those words to a woman {or vice versa, from a woman to a man, or come to think of it, whichever way}, I think you'd be asking to get trodden all over if said person got out of bed on the wrong side and was in a mood with you........There's a universe of difference between showing sometime vulnerability and begging to be booted about ! :D I'd like to say to the guy in the song "What are you crawling for ? She obviously doesn't want you. Leave her and the quarterback alone ! Take up golf or DIY or voluntary work with disturbed kids...!".
Click to expand...

Thanks I guess? I got a little out of that
 
I think you have the beginnings of something...I think you need to get into more depth with this...
It's the basic...'boy loses girl...boy dreams of girl..boy wants girl back' etc....
It would be a good idea to add more colour and variety and maybe take the lyrics into some different direction.....
Here's a couple of quick suggestions...Ideas....to think about....

Hey girl, I want you back, But I know,
You're in love with the quarterback, Who knows,
It could be more it could be less
Hey girl, ...but I digress

Just here so lonely....
Layin on the couch tryin t'get cozy.
Hey girl, I wish you were here.
Cause you could drive away the fear....etc......

Just trying to take things in different directions...
Best of luck with the song...you've got some good ideas there.
SJ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDIy2A8Sw7s
 
DON'T use quarterback...lovelorn lyrics are cliche ridden, driven and inspired - it's an expectation that is OK to meet BUT the quarterback thing - well, it labels the protagonist a geek/loser/dweeb/weed etc from the out and limits the song to me vs the jock all over again.
Also, talking about lyiong on the couch chasing comfort (as opposed to chasing the dragon, bottle, etc) doesn't conjure up anything other than whining.

Hey girl, I want you back, But I know,
In & out of love, you go,
It could be alot more than that,
Hey girl I'd come crawlin back... to you.

Oh, just so lonely,
I was once your one & only.
Me & my laptop wish you were here.
But I've got wireless & a case of beer!

When I read my wall it reminds me.
Of good days, yeah, good, good days.
But now it's just pictures and Youtube clips.
Lost days, boozed daze, dual core chips.

Everyday! Every minute!
Every second, I'm drinkin' bout you.
Everyday! Every minute!
Every second, ain't livin' without you!

If we could put all that stuff behind,
But I see your status was redefined,
My pix are gone from your page,
I clicked refresh but it didn't ease my rage.

Our mutual list is getting shorter by the minute,
I can have a life on facebook without you in it.
We were in love now I'm not even a friend,
I'll crash the servers & get you in the end.

OR



When you were online before,
I couldn't leave your page
To know you were active,
Your oh so, so attractive

You blog like a winner
In a winner’s world
I wish you were physical
You're just so, so virtual

But I'm a geek,
Look at my pix
Why the hell am I lookin' here?
I can’t comment here

I don't care what I hurt,
I wanna write the code
I want a place with you
I want to be on your page

You’ll notice me
& when I'm not online
You'll be uncomfortable
I want you to be uncomfortable

Yeah, I'm a dweeb
I’m a geek, oh,
How did I get on this wall?
I clicked on the wrong link

You’re shutting me down again
She's shutting me down
She shut shut shut
me down

Whatever makes you notice me
Whatever you require
You've so many friends
And none of mine are mutual

But I'm a geek,
Look at my profile
What the hell am I playin' here?
How did I get here

I don't belong here...
 
Last edited:
rayc said:
DON'T use quarterback...lovelorn lyrics are cliche ridden, driven and inspired - it's an expectation that is OK to meet BUT the quarterback thing - well, it labels the protagonist a geek/loser/dweeb/weed etc from the out and limits the song to me vs the jock all over again.
Also, talking about lyiong on the couch chasing comfort (as opposed to chasing the dragon, bottle, etc) doesn't conjure up anything other than whining.
Click to expand...

LOL love the lyrics. got a few laughs
 
Hey Tyson is this a real life adventure of fictional?







:cool:
 
There's nothing wrong with those lyrics in a pop music context. If we listened to pop music for the lyrics, no one would ever sell a record. Remember Tommy Tutone's "867-5309/Jenny"? How about J. Geils Band's "Angel in Blue"? Well, the OP's lyrics are in a similar vein. As grim said, whether the melody is catchy and memorable is what will make or break a song.
 
Hey Dude , I hope...
Start by rewriting ALL in SHORThand.
See what U come around with; who knows.
 
T A H 2 said:
Hey Dude , I hope...
Start by rewriting ALL in SHORThand.
See what U come around with; who knows.
Click to expand...
Forgive my ignorance, but exactly what does that mean ? What's the significance of shorthand ? And if he rewrites it, won't he just have a different song ?
 
I'm going to go out on a limb and say your going to have to work real hard on not sounding "beta" when you sing. You might also want to change the pronoun I from 1st person to He 3rd person. That way your not writing about your shoes. Your writing about someone else.

No real Alpha Rocker's I know of would write "She dumped Me! Now I'm lonely" Think KISS-Better hold your Heart, or Van Halen's Jamies Cryin' that's just me though. Look to the Guess Who's - American Woman on what a break up song should aspire to be. :D



Racherik
 
My personal opinion is that a love song shouldn't be written bluntly or it can become stale pretty quick. Metaphors are your friend. Maybe try to paint a nice picture with the words rather than spelling it out. Lyrics, like poetry, need to be aesthetically pleasing in and of themselves, regardless of their meaning. Sometimes laying it out in black and white gets in the way of that. These lyrics say "Edwin Collins" to me. It's all down to your own personal taste though.

That's just my opinion though and therefore doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. If you're happy, that's the main thing.
 
Edwyn Collins in Orange juice mode, Girl Like you Mode or post stroke mode?
Lyrically they are very different eras.
 
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