Solved Here's a song LOOK IT OVER!! TELL ME WHAT YA THINK

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EpiSGpl8r

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hey guys i just wrote this i'm new to writting songs i've written a few but i really got into this one and i had some more questions i'll put in another post so people don't get off my topic for this one.



OVERLOOKED

Slow soft intro:
How would you like it if you got picked on
Every single day you wish you were gone
I know what it’s like cuz (short pause) I’ve been there too
Listen up this songs for you

Up Tempo with distortion
(Heavy)

Every morning when I wake
I dread the day that comes (with back up vocals)
I feel so overlooked
And stereotyped
I don’t know where to run
You don’t even know me
But yet you judge my by my size
Take a look into these eyes
For which you constantly antagonize
**Chorus**
What goes around comes around

And it’s your turn (with back up vocals)

(I don’t know how many times or how long I’m gonna play that riff yet)

Play intro again (this may go at the end when I get all the lyrics)

Put yourself in my position
Tell me how it feels
Being told you worthless is
To much pain to heal
So before you speak to/of me again
Remember just this one thing
**Chorus**
What goes around comes around

And it’s your turn (with back up vocals)

? How many times



For those of you who replyed thanks anywaz i don't know if i should end it or keep going what do u think i want to but i need all of the guitar parts for it i only have the short 2 line chorus parts and the intro. thanks alot
 
well dude... while it's heartfelt it's kinda a played out theme if you know what I mean... I like the way it's written, and it's going to appeal to a lot of people, but I personally like to write songs that are a little more specific and that people will relate to on a level besides the obvious... if that makes any sense... I really do like the style that you have going there.
 
well as far as the emotion it's about an 8... but where you lose points is originality... overall I'd give it a 5... with some work you can improve that... try inserting something to personalize it some more... something specific that happened to you.
 
yeah I kinda figured it wasn't done... but if you're anything like me, nothing's ever really done... I always find something else I want to improve in my own work... I think you've got a good start though... hey, why don't you check out some of my stuff the subj. is "song for critique"
 
hey Epi,

I'm gonna get pretty deep on this one so feel free to ask me to explain myself if you have any doubts.

I took a peek at Overlooked and see a lot of promise but, as Stump said, a great many cliches for which you might be better served finding substitutes. I also think you might want to clarify the message of the song a little bit. For my mind, you might be trying to say/do a few too many things with this one. here's how I broke it down:

> >How would you like it if you got picked on
> >Every single day you wish you were gone

The first two lines gave me, "hey man, my life is tough" vibe. Truly a volatile emotion many people can identify and empathize with. Everyone was picked on at some time. What I would keep in mind though, is that very few people can pull off the "complaint" rock lyric without sounding whiny. If you feel you MUST whine, I would consider changing the point of view to third person. If the singer narrates the story of another oft maligned character, you have a better chance of gaining the sympathy of a listener. (think Jeremy by PJ) This is MHO.

> >I know what it’s like cuz (short pause) I’ve been there too
> >Listen up this songs for you

What I get from this is an older brother vibe saying, "Hey man, life gets better." This is fine except I don't think it fits with the first couplet.

then when you get to...

> >You don’t even know me
> >But yet you judge my by my size
> >Take a look into these eyes
> >For which you constantly antagonize

I get the distinct feeling you're gonna rip into one of those rocking bitter tunes (of which, i'm almost always in favor. Everyone would rather help you hate the enemy than give you a shoulder to cry on.)

The problem is I don't know who's underestimating you. Is it an ex-gf, a parent, a brother, a bully, a football coach? What's irking you?

All I would do is try to make the voice and intent of the speaker more consistent. Think of it as a character with one unwavering thing to say. Is it "my life is tough?" or is it "life will get better?" Is it "you shouldn't have cut me from the hockey team" or you shouldn't take my lunch money?"

What I do want to applaud you on is, and this may sound cheeeeeezy but, your exploration of emotions through lyrics. You're tapping into what's going on inside you and there's no better form of self-development through self-awareness than writing music. Now's the time to clarify and organize your thoughts and add wit and originality by editing some of the cliches, (ie, "take a look into these eyes," "i don't know where to run," and, I hate to say this but, "what goes around comes around") and supplanting them with a bit more vivid imagery.

If this is the bitter song I imagine you want it to be, why not something at least a little less trite like:
you won't win
you'll never win

Well, that's my take. I gotsta go take my motomouth medicine. Good luck and be sure to post where this one goes.

Miles Maxwell
www.milesmaxwell.com
 
Very nice Miles! I'm really impressed with you're take on his song... you think you might take a look at my songs? They're under "song for critique" in this forum. I'd really appriciate it man.
 
thanks guys youre the coolist i'll right back with an edited copy of my song soon. Maxwell i liked all your ideas and i understand what ur saying. I kinda know what i'm gonna do with it. But i've got all the time in the world to work on it.See ya in another post.
 
Let me start by saying the heartfelt emotions your song stirs would touch anyone ever "picked on"

I like it very much. Perhaps the start of something awesome.

Suggestions: The song needs a hook. If "Overlooked" is the title you need to repeat it.

"What goes around, comes around" is cliche', but I would have guessed that was the name of the song.

I think more lines in the chorus would help.

Positive songs are more apt to be commercially successful, but hey sometimes you've just gotta write 'em from the heart. That's what you have done here.

Good luck. Keep writing cool stuff.

cj
 
cool i agree i'll finish it someday i just wrote a new one with guitar parts and all.. thanks
 
i have an idea to make some optomism here...

in the song you say, and now it's your turn.

now, one way that i would provide optimism is to get rid of that all together, replacing it with lyrics based around rising above and not lowering yourself to the level of "overlooking"
like,

i'll rise above, won;t lower myself
you've overlooked me, placed me upon the shelf.
in this i see - inequity
to overlook will not be me

forgive me for throwing lyrics at you, but it's just give you an idea of how to optimize it, and in that, step away from the depressing cliche.
Mike...
if you like that lil lyric, feel free to use it.
 
Hey dude that's an awesome verse/chorus whatever...thanks i like the way u think....
 
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