Heres a few lines I've just written a few minutes ago....

  • Thread starter Thread starter Bobbert
  • Start date Start date
B

Bobbert

New member
I thought I'd see what all you guys think of them. Cheers!

I don't know why I'm sad
If I knew I would be nice
I can't swallow the things that make me good
Even god is unsure
I cant help but be obscure.

The sweet red noise in my ear
I wish it would stop so I can sleep
Theres nothing to worry about so I end up thinking again
I think I'm unsure
I can't help but be obscure.

(CHORUS)
A perfect moment in bliss
My loving parasite pain isnt here
My love is not included in this
Not attatched to this

A taste of brain-sight in my mouth
I don't remember how it ends
But the sweet hot noise stays in my head
I don't want a cure
I can't help but be obscure.

(C) Robert Davies 2002 All rights Reserved :)
 
hmm

I guess you're all pretty unimpressed with my writing then ? lol
 
Interesting stuff..If I knew I {would }{could }be nice..Even God is unsure..How about..This world is unsure.. I cant help but be obscure...Just Ideas


Don
 
Bobbert.
Hey man, it's not that no one is unimpressed with your writing. Not at all.
We are from different time zones, we check out other forums on this board, stuff like that. Be patient, my new friend, soon you'll have plenty of responces.

Welcome to Homerecording.

I like your song.
Funny thing, I just posted a long reply in a thread in this forum about rhyming. Then I come here and find your song is just what I was talking about. The rhyming structure of your song.
There is nothing wrong with it like you have it. Don't misunderstand me.

Ok, first verse,
I agree with Henri. Dump the usage of God.

Verse two.
I'd change the
"I think I'm unsure"
to,
'Am I unsure?'

Chorus.
I'd change
"Not attached to this"
to,
'It's not attached to this'

I like the fourth verse as it stands.

Ummm. I read your lyrics many times.
Each time I was looking for a hint of the cause of your feeling bad.
I feel kinda unsatisfied when I finish due to the lack of cause, or what the final decison is, other than you don't want a cure.
Something doesn't seem complete to me.

Possibly it's me.
I don't understand what brain-sight is or what it means for one thing.
I don't know what the sweet red noise is.
I know you do. But you have to say it in a way that I'll know to.

Some of the words make me want to stop and say, 'huh?', instead of continuing with the flow of the story within the lyrics.

One of the purposes of a song is to relate experinces from the singer to the listener. I get lost in several parts of your song.

I know the singer is sad. But the story in the song is vague, to me.

These are only my opinions, Bobbert.
I call it as I see it, as everyone else does.
Take it as constructive help. No one here is gonna grind you down.
I like your song, I just don't understand some of it.
I'm an old geezer, maybe that has something to do with it.
Take a collective view of what everyone comments on.
Use the advice that suits you. Just cuz we recommend something doesn't mean we are telling you to use it. Not at all.
I know these guys have given me some damn good advice over the few months I've been here. It's what this place is all about.

Good luck, Bobbert, and keep writing.
 
Badges, you're quickly becoming an HR treasure!

Bobbert,

You don't have to rhyme to write a song but, I sence that you want to.

I'd take the advice of Badges and also follow a rhyming pattern just to see where it gets you. DON"T change your message or the sentiment of the song, just try to make it flow with words.

I'd try a blitz of rhymes on this one.
Write it so that the last word of verse 1,2 and 3 rhyme together and keep what you have for verses 4 and 5

The chorus is fine but, like Badges said, make sure that you don't use too many isolated references. You want to be related to.

I write very much to for myself and have to check my lyrics alot to see if anyone would have a chance of understanding what it is I'm saying without knowing me or being forced to wear my stinky shoes.

Write your heart out and let us have a fighting chance of decifering the screams.

Great start. If you get the words to music, please post the song in the mp3 forum so we can enjoy your work.

Hope that was the kinda feedback you were in need of.

Theron.
 
Thanks you guys

I needed the criticisms, after all, I need to know how to make it better!

Thanks all of you, I'm trying to get into songwriting as a career, so thanks for your positive input. (I'm 15)


bobbert
 
oh some of the meanings...

Its supposed to be a simple song written about trying to sleep and not remembering anything at all...



''The sweet red noise in my ear'' - Solitude, you can hear the blood rush around your body.


''A perfect moment in bliss
My loving parasite pain isnt here
My love is not included in this
Not attatched to this''

- This chorus is a dream....you cannot do anything, you let your body take over, you can't hear or see anything, (even the sweet red noise (blood)).

''A taste of brain-sight in my mouth
I don't remember how it ends
But the sweet hot noise stays in my head''

- Brain sight is the last moments of a dream....your brains image, so to speak. Not being able to remember what happens. You wake to hear your 'blood' in your body.


Hmmm, it is a bit confusing isnt it?

Oh well :)
 
Hey again Bobbert.

It is a little confusing.
I could see where you were going with the song, but didn't know what some of the things ment.

One thing you have to be aware of if you're going do try to earn a living at this.
You have to be able to present the lyrics to a publisher.
He/she is the person who will pass it on up the heirarchy until someone rejects or accepts it.

If the publisher can't make heads or tails from it, he's more than likely going to reject it.

Try not to get to elaberate on your discriptions and phrasing.
Keep it simple is the key.
As a song writer, it's your job to make everything in the song understandable so even guys like me know what the heck is going on. If your targeting a specific group, then aim at them, ie; country, jazz, rap, rock.

Again, good luck.
 
One more thing, Bobbert.

I feel that your ending comment, "OH Well" is a sign of defeat for the song.

That song has some potential.
It just needs some work on it.
Don't give up on it.

If you can't work on it now, set it aside, work on another. Nothing says you can't work on more than one song at a time.
Just don't waste the song cuz it's a little hard to understand.

Onward Bobbert, pick up your quill and uncap your ink well. ;)
 
Hey Bobbert,

The input you're getting is dead on--keep it simple and
direct.Just work on it and have faith in yourself.
My first song I wrote (age 15) was called No More Favours
--a long winded thing about being dumped by my girlfriend
(Hey--Maybe I shoulda' gone country!lol) I'm waaaay older
now and I get as much satisfaction out of writing now as
I always have--Point being---Whether you ever become
a big time writer or not, the music you create defines who
you are, and that's reward enough for a start..

We'll be here to help....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top