Help me finish my song

[ColdAsh]

Here a song i need a little help finishing. We need to record it this sunday so a freind can give a demo tape to a head of a minor record label. Here it is:

So here we are, with all the broken pieces that have
Gone to far, never meant to end up
Like the way we are, never meant to end up like this

Looking back, on all we’ve said and done
It seems so far away, never could have know that
It would end this way, but there’s nothing I can do

Chorus:
I’m letting go, and it’ll never be the same
I’m holding on, to a broken dream
I’m falling do, and nothing’s as it seems
I’m letting go, and it’s alright again

And now you’re gone, you’re nothing more than just
A memory, I guess you’ll never know just
What you meant to me , you made a fool of me

Repeat chorus

And time drags on, as it always does it seems
To move so fast, all the things we had are just
The distant past, fading into nothingness

Repeat chorus

I dont want people telling me its crap. If you feel that way keep it to yourself. What i need help on is the line in bold.
My friend wants:
why you left me

And i aslo have:
what was meant to be and what could have been.
Which do you prefer, or any other suggestion would be good. Also what do you think of the line after it:
you made a fool of me
Me friend wrote it and i dont like it too much. What do you gues think? Any ideas?

 

[Shana]

I like "what was meant to be"

It fits right in. I can almost hear the tune already. Its written well. Post it when its done!

Shana

 

[elkhunter]

man is it semi rock?...a slow slong?


i like: how this love melted me , how it welded me

the love melted you...then you both solidified...like 2 pieces of metal being welded.....thats my take <shrug> could help more if i knew which direction you were heading....peace from the rockies.....elkhunter

 

[sjjohnston]

A suggestion

"I guess you'll never know
what's the best large diaphragm condensor mic for under $200."

 

[Henri Devill]

"I'm falling do"...?..How about "down".."I'm fallin' down"..I see your pattern but you can break it there..I also like "what was meant to be"..Try strikin' "but" "just the".."It could end this way, theres nothing I can do"{its more powerful..when you state things desisively} "All the moves we made are distant past"..

Well you could also use{for the line in bold}.."what this moment meant"..Dropin' the "ME" from the end of that line because you have "ME" with.."You made a fool of ME"...Well it depends on the type of song this will be..If its a heavey type of modern thing I might change "fool" to "tool"..Depends on the attitude of the song and the style though.."Fool" does work, though it has been done to death...Good luck


Don

 

[ColdAsh]

Sorry it was meant to be falling down, typo. I think i might get rid of the "you made a fool out of me" line. I'm not to keen on my friends input, mind you he did come up with the melody and the first line which got the ball rolling. Unfortunately im a slave to ryming to the line in bold has to ryme with memory.
If you wanna hear the song without vocals then go to:
http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/1/1435/singles.shtml , obviosuly the song titled letting go. Its a fairly basic version of the song and ive done alot more to the recording since then.
It goes into verse, verse, chorus (same as intro), verse, chorus ect. Do you like it? Do you think the label might go for it? Its not the only song i have but i need them all to be impressive.

 

[area510studios]

i guess you'll never know
if i was meant to be
the fool you made of me.

 

[area510studios]

i guess you'll never know
if i was meant to be
the fool you made of me.

 

[Scriabin]

my vote goes for other... stop using cliches. They're way too overused and predictable. Put some more thought into it.

 

[Buffalo Bob]

"my vote goes for other... stop using cliches. They're way too overused and predictable. Put some more thought into it"

What he said.

 

[Nicolas]

I was thinking that maybe you can use

¨What do you wont from me ¨

Bye.

 

[BrettB]

Re: A suggestion

"I guess you'll never know
what's the best large diaphragm condensor mic for under $200."

Use that line, man, nobody will expect it and everybody will remember your song!

 

[volltreffer]

High!

The menat to be or area510's meant to be...

But the diaphragm would also be nice... If the line's too long then, just leave the condenser mic out, this way it gets more punch

Axel

 

[althemusicwizar]

"I guess you'll never know, just
How much is a tin of baked beans"

I think you'll agree, this is now probably the most poignant line in the whole song.........Chill already..........