HEART SHAPED BRUISE 1st draft

[rayc]

I responded to Bozmillar's rquest re lyrics & melody in the MP3 clinic with a slight revison of May Challenge lyric.
I then thought I'd cheated so I went to my idea bank & found a title I'd written thaht had no lyrics. I spent 1/2 an hour to 40 mins just cranking out trying for a lyric that'd suit the close mic'd and bruised voice of the Cowboy Junkies Trinity Sessions album.
you knwo the bruised, resigned but with a secret rod of steel voice?
Anyway, this is what I came up with.
What needs fixing in terms of the narrative voice - female, hurt and structure? I didn't even think about tense!
oh, the title is a mondegreen/malapropism of the Nirvana song.


HEART SHAPED BRUISE

No, there’s no salvation, INTRO
And there’s no excuse,
If the damage is done,
Then my heart’s no use.

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this haematoma
Is absorbing me.

Ev’ry time you hit, VRS1
Ev’ry time you’re cruel,
When you put me down,
Or you call me a fool.

No, there is no salve,
And there is no cream,
To remove this scar
From the shattered dream

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this heart shaped bruise
Is becoming me.

Ev’ry small abuse, VRS2
Ev’ry power play,
Kills the spark inside,
And turns my love away.

No, there’s no salvation,
And there’s no excuse,
If the damage is done,
Then my heart’s no use.

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this bleed inside
Is comsuming me.

Ev’ry time you lie, VSR3
Ev’ry time you cheat,
It’s no victory,
It’s our love’s defeat.

Ev’ry time you whisper,
Ev’ry time your coo,
When you pull me down,
It’s to satisfy you.

There’s a heart shaped bruise
Where my heart should be
And this relationship
Is killing me.

Take it out M8
Cut it out
Take it out
Cut it out

Take it out
Cut it out
Take it out
Cut it out

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
I need something taken out
But it’s not me.

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR Rpt
Where my heart should be
Now it’s in my hands
And it’s up to me.

I’ll take it out Denouement
I’ll cut it out
Take you out
I’ll, I’ll, I’ll
Cut you out
Of my life…

 

[mikeh]

The phrase "heart shaped bruise" is a really strong lyrical hook. I think the rest of the lyrics could be stronger to work that hook. There are some good lines, but also several weak lines.

If it were my song - I would try to trim it down to about half as many lyrics , keep the focus on those lyrics that support how her actions hurt his heart and really try to fine tune this.

Heart shaped bruise is too good a hook to not try to fine tune this song!

 

[rayc]

Thanks Mike,
it's late evening here so I'll have a squiz in the morning, suss out the lines which make me wince or cringe, excise them & rewrite.
It is long, I was writing to match the structure of bozmillar's track (have a listen to it in the MP3 clinic - it's very moody) and tried to fill it with out too much repetition - fatal flaw.

 

[ido1957]

No, there is no salve,
And there is no cream,

Hi Ray, This is one of your more simply phrased songs, but it still shows your skill as a writer. The passage above just doesn't seem to fit a song. The phrases remind me of a TV commercial not a love/lost song. It's not wrong, it's just not comfy. That's just my take on it however. The rest works for me. I especially like the variety of structures within the song. Now you just need to get Terry to sing it!

 

[rayc]

Revision One

Ido,
You're right. Too easy and quick - almost a slogan.
I'm trying to be more spontaneous and approach your standard of open honesty but, as can be read, I'm spontaneously cynical and openly obdurate.
Terry has two pieces to work on already, poor fellow and me having available time due to the school hols means I've been piling stuff on him and not giving him time to breathe or do any of his own writing. Nevertheless, while there's some juice in my typing finger I'll experiment.

OK folks,
Here's a 1st revision. it has some new bits, some cutting and is somewhat shorter.
Time for you to be specific in your criticism, just like Ido, so point me at the bits that need reworking, removing or at the bits that should remain.

HEART SHAPED BRUISE

Ev’ry time you lie, Intro
Ev’ry time you cheat,
It’s no victory,
It’s our love’s defeat.

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this heart shaped bruise
Is absorbing me.

Ev’ry time you hit, VRS1
Ev’ry time you’re cruel,
When you put me down,
Or call me a fool.

No, there is no salve,
Nought that can redeem,
Or remove the scar
From this shattered dream

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this heart shaped bruise
Is becoming me.

Ev’ry small abuse, VRS2
Ev’ry power play,
Kills the spark inside,
Turns my love away.

Ev’ry errant thought,
Ev’ry stolen look,
Each and ev’ry entry,
In your little book.

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this bleed inside
Is comsuming me.

Ev’ry time you whisper,
Ev’ry time your coo,
When you pull me down,
It’s to satisfy you.

There’s no way forward,
And our history’s sour,
What I thought was love,
Is an exercise of power.

There’s a heart shaped bruise
Where my heart should be
And this relationship
Is killing me.

Take it out M8
Cut it out
Take it out
Cut it out

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
Now it’s in my hands
And it’s up to me.

Take it out Denouement
Cut it out

 

[gecko zzed]

I like the brevity and economy of the lyrics. "Heart shaped bruise" is a great hook.

ido1957 commented on one couplet which did not worry me too much, though I do agree that it has a touch of the Yardleys about it. I was more concerned about "When you put me down,/Or call me a fool", which comes out of the bucket of "poor me" phrases used in heaps of songs. I had thought of "Every time you frown, everytime you drool", but maybe that just might shatter the mood! Possibly something like "when you shut me down, when I am just a tool."

The rest is fine!

 

[Nightfire]

I too agree with everyone that "heart shaped bruise" is a good hook....


BUT


It reminds me too much of "heart shaped box" (nirvana).

I thought the lyics were strong otherwise, other than the cream part like ido already mentioned.
Just my 2 cents.


Mike

 

[ido1957]

Ido,
You're right. Too easy and quick - almost a slogan.
I'm trying to be more spontaneous and approach your standard of open honesty but, as can be read, I'm spontaneously cynical and openly obdurate.

Your lyrics are always high quality, and are a pleasure to read. They are indeed memorable - I have many images from the stories they tell. I'd say continue to write from the heart using the phrases that come naturally.
I had to look up obdurate....

OK folks, Here's a 1st revision. it has some new bits, some cutting and is somewhat shorter. Time for you to be specific in your criticism, just like Ido, so point me at the bits that need reworking, removing or at the bits that should remain.

On to the revision....Lot's of changes! Many good lines added but several good ones removed! You have enough for a couple of good songs here.

Is an exercise of power.

This line might have too many syllables but it's hard to say without hearing the melody/phrasing of the vocals.

No, there is no salve,
Nought that can redeem,
Or remove the scar
From this shattered dream

Better - I especially like the strong last line...

Keep on doing what you do so well....

 

[rayc]

Now you have me worried Ido!
please point out the lines I shouldn't have dumped - if nothing else I'll put them in the idea bank.
You're right about the syllables - many of the lines work on a strict syllabic count but wouldn't if sung. That'll be the next task I suppose, turning it from a stream of dribble poem into something singable.
Thanks for the detail response mate.
Geckozed,
The Yardley's - love it! Yeah, I was trying to do a broad sweep of the elements of abuse from unkindness to physical but you're right I think, Im attracted to your last suggestion - it suggests Svengaliism which does suit the mood. Ta muchly.
Nightfire,
I acknowledge Nirvana as the inspiration via the Mondegreen. The cream again, are you rubbing it in? (bad pun eh?). I 'll work on it. I wrote the phrase Heart Shaped Bruise down a few months ago and dragged it out to address my feeling that I hadn't written anything completely fresh & from scratch for a while. thanks for the feedback.

 

[ido1957]

Yes - the lyrics removed were good so I'd put them aside for another song....

No, there’s no salvation,
And there’s no excuse,
If the damage is done,
Then my heart’s no use.