Go on or throw away?

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FuzzyStone

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Just started with this....what do ya think....should I carry on finishing this or throw it away and forget about it???

With tomorrow on my mind
I'm leaving everything behind
Guess it means I will lose another friend
But I've got to move on
Can't stay anywhere too long
I'm very sorry but our story ends

Not used to looking back
Now I'm twisting my neck
I see you standing with a tear in your eye
I have to leave you, dear
Nothing can keep me here
Go to go, got to run, got to fly

*
I go from town to town, from here to there
Tomorrow is waiting for me somewhere
I don't know where I'm going
Or how long I'll stay
I trust the sun and the moon will show me the way
*
 
I think carry on....

I hate to say this word, but i feel i must.....you need a "hook"......

"Not used to looking back
Now I'm twisting my neck"

I think you should develop that into something......you are acknowledging that this person is different yet they get no mention in the chorus.......the chorus you have now sounds more like a verse as far as its content.....the chorus needs to sum up the whole song, the whole idea......

my 2 cents,

MIKE
 
Agree with Gidge. Go on & hook

Plus...I think the first two verses could be condensed into 1. They seem to pretty much the same thing to me.

My take on writing a song is that I finish it no matter how crappy it turns out to be. Nothing worse in my mind than a bunch of half finished songs laying around (like I have). Even if the song turns out crappy (not saying this one will) you have gleaned something from it's completion.

Just my VHO of course :)
 
Here is a quick idea. Not anything remarkable, but see what you think:

With tomorrow on my mind
I'm leaving everything behind
Guess it means I will lose another friend
But I've got to move on
Can't stay anywhere too long
I'm very sorry but our story ends

Not used to looking back
Now I'm twisting my neck
I see you standing with a tear in your eye
I have to leave you, dear
Nothing can keep me here
Go to go, got to run, got to fly

I can't change the past
I can't change the past
It was just too good to last
And I can't change the past.

I go from town to town, from here to there
Tomorrow is waiting for me somewhere
I don't know where I'm going
Or how long I'll stay
I trust the sun and the moon will show me the way


Stay with it. Best of luck...Bert
 
I agree w jagular...the first 2 verses seem to ssay the same thing and dont really further the plot.

But the first verse is pretty good I think, it drew me in.

For what its worth, heres my input.

The first verse is setting up ALOT regarding the point of the song. Also the first and last line of the first verse seem to contradict each other (1st line implies you are looking forward to leaving, last implies you arent, just the feel I got). That and the use of "friend & ends" to rhyme give the last line a forced feel, as if you are merely trying to rhyme instead of say something. Also, the use of "ends" in the present tense throws off the cadence of the singular use of "friend"

Something like "I'm not sure how our story will end" would flow better IMO...

anyways....Id keep at this one
 
go on

Work on something new for a while. You can get some clarity, and the effort you put into a new direction might strengthen something that will help you tackle any rough spots in this one.
 
Thanks for the input! I moved some pieces and added some stuff.
Still not close to finishing it, but it getting there (i think).

With tomorrow on my mind, i'm leaving everything behind
Got to go, go to run, got to fly
Not used to looking back, now i twist my neck
See you standing with a tear in your eye

You made it very clear, you'd like to keep me here
Wish i could but i honestly can't
Too many bruises on my heart, too many times a new start
Let me remember you as a very good friend

PreChorus:
Can't change the past
Time runs to fast
Too good to last
Let go

Chorus:
You are fighting your way into my heart
But my heart is fighting back
You can't beat it
So please leave it
Before it starts to crack
There's a wall all around that will withstand your attack
So you might aswell give up
Your love at stake
But it just can't take
No more
It was hurt too many times before
 
Last edited:
^^i like it..except the part of the chorus with the "..withstand the attack" seems like its out of beat...what i mean is that i think it would be hard getting all those words in..in the same time you got four words in with the previous line
 
dan_studio_man said:
^^i like it..except the part of the chorus with the "..withstand the attack" seems like its out of beat...what i mean is that i think it would be hard getting all those words in..in the same time you got four words in with the previous line
Click to expand...

Thanks Dan.

The 'withstand-sentence' has the same timing as the first sentence of the chorus, therefore the words do fit.
 
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