Give a read please.

[blinlizard1]

This is a short song that I wrote about 4 months ago, I guess with out music I would suggest you listen with a ear for the stylings of Cat Stevens and or Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull). Please let me know what you think good or bad, thanks to all.

Flowers Under the Moon.

She sat on the sand the sky in front of her eyes
seagulls floating with the wind the surf crashing
under thier crys
the bag at her feet worn with holes and sewn with patches
holds her life of twenty years behind
rusting latches,

She takes a breath while
holding the rune
and finds herself in flowers
under the moon
inside a dream now absent of gloom
she falls slowly into flowers
under the moon.

His was a cold touch, just a bit too much
always wanting something different
dangerous and rough
the pain was a God send believing the way she did
resuming the masquerade as the shy lttle kid,

She holds her breath while humming a tune
falling slowly into flowers under the moon
inside her dream now absent of gloom
she finds herself in flowers under the moon.

 

[mikeh]

I think the first verse paints a fairly vivid picture, but from there the story does not seem to progress in a clear way. I can't understand what she is escaping from or free of (a mean father figure? an abusive boyfriend?). If she was behind rusted latches - was she in prison? or is that a metaphor for a "trapped existance"?

You write sensitive lyrics, but your message is not real clear.

 

[andyhix]

I like the imagery here. I don't mind the elusive lyrics and uncertainty as to what the prob is with this chick. Kinda leaves it open to the listener to draw parallels to their own experiences, I guess.

Maybe I'm too literal, but I find conflict between the first verse and the rest of the song. The seagulls, particularly, paint me a picture of her being at the beach during the day (I think seagulls hunker down and chill out at night). But then the rest of the song is talking about being under the moon. So I'm reading or hearing the song, and my sense of place and time gets jarred halfway thru, which kinda wrecked it for me.

 

[Garry Sharp]

Too much rhyming, especially the second verse.

Also any singer will tell you the word "moon" is a bitch to sing as the last word of a line.

Nice ideas and imagery tho'

 

[Purge]

Wow, never even thought about that. "la la la MOOOOONNNNN...." Looks like I may have to have a dig through the notebooks...

 

[blinlizard1]

Thanks All

Thanks for the critique, very insightful. The song is about escape, the "rune" being the "nameless thing" that takes us to places in our mind when we can no longer accept the pains of the world. As far as seagulls hunkering down at night, the first verse is the begining, the flowers under the moon the destination where safety is found. As far as the "escaping", I used this verse to paint a picture of pain, " his touch was a cold touch, a bit too much, always wanting something different, dangeroous and rough ", and the rest of the verse, "The pain was a God send, believing the way she did, resuming the masqurade as the shy little kid",I used as metaphor about the abuse some people will take and how they will pretend it isn't happening and sometimes embracing it as some one else, "the shy little kid". In this place "flowers under the moon", she finds calm, "inside her dream now absent of gloom, she falls slowly into flowers under the moon. As far as moon being a hard word to end a line with, I have no problem with that. Thanks again all, I appreciate you taking the time to read the song, stay musical and free.

 

[jjtcorsair]

I like it. It might need a little honing, but as it is, it's pretty good. So many people post lyrics that are trying to describe an emotional feeling but without using metaphors and imagery like you have. Your lyrics are evocative and paint a picture in my mind.

Good job.

Jon