For You. [First song]

[Schmidty797]

I've rewritten the song here:


Verse 1:
I wanna wake up
and be there for you.
Oh, the things we'd do.
I miss those eyes.
bluer than blue.

Some don't seem to realize
my feelings for you.
Oh so charmingly appealing
cant help the feeling.

Chorus:

I wanna be there[repeat this line x2]
get back that loving feeling.
I wanna be there[x2]
When your scared,or just wanna stare[Anything I can do].

Verse 2:

I feel brand new
lets explore new avenues.
These words best explain
my interest in you.

I'd take a plane to help you.
I can explain
with you I feel new shades of blue.

Repeat Chorus
Jazzy solo ends song.

The word You, is now used like 4 times instead of 13.

You is now only mentioned 4 times heh, thanks.

I never heard the song, Make It Witchu by Josh Homme, until I played this for a friend, he told me it sounded musically similar to it. And its about two chords away from being the same sadly.

This songs obviously about a person dear to me, we are having to live in different countries for about 6-7 months. And neither of us have the best of lives[Drama etc,etc.] I'll spare you. Shes flying in today and I'm going to pick her up. I was hoping that I could introduce this to her, please give me critical feedback, also this is my first song heh.

 

[mikeh]

On the plus side - you have presented a "love song" without using the cliche' phrase - "I love you". I am not a fan of cliche' love songs

On the other side - I count the word "you" 13 times (not including the repeat of the chorus).

While these lyrics may express some personal feelings you wanted to present - from a technique standpoint, the over use of that single word does perhaps betray the fact that you are a novice writer.

If you want to share your thoughts with this girl and if these words say what you want to say........then by all means share them with her. It clearly shows how much you care.

If you want to develop as a writer, find ways to present your thoughts that do not require such redundant use of a word.

 

[Schmidty797]

On the plus side - you have presented a "love song" without using the cliche' phrase - "I love you". I am not a fan of cliche' love songs

On the other side - I count the word "you" 13 times (not including the repeat of the chorus).

While these lyrics may express some personal feelings you wanted to present - from a technique standpoint, the over use of that single word does perhaps betray the fact that you are a novice writer.

If you want to share your thoughts with this girl and if these words say what you want to say........then by all means share them with her. It clearly shows how much you care.

If you want to develop as a writer, find ways to present your thoughts that do not require such redundant use of a word.

13 times, I would have never noticed that. I'll work on that heh, thanks.

The original post has been edited with the rewrite. Hopefully its better....