First time poster - lyrics review

[fraze72]

Hey everyone! I am somewhat new to the songwriting / recording process, but would like to share some lyrics for review. This is in AABA format. Thanks in advance for your critiques.

Watch it Burn
Times are getting warmer, don’t you know
But with the temperature the profits surely grow
We can’t stop the march of progress
While living in the land of excess
Times are getting warmer, don’t you know

We’ll do with the world what we wish
And bend its will to feed our fetish
All our promises will ring hollow
With sloppy seconds for those who follow
We’ll do with the world what we wish

bridge:
As moral strength starts to splinter
We won’t have long ‘til nuclear winter
While it might seem bad, it’s not a crime
You can get a tan in half the time

We’ll sit upon the hill and watch it burn
With no more lessons left to learn
As the time approaches Revelations
It’s the fruit of endless fighting nations
We’ll sit upon the hill and watch it burn
We’ll sit upon the hill and watch it burn
…watch it burn

 

[Armistice]

HI

I think if you're seriously trying to write a global warming anthem, you should ditch the "sloppy seconds" imagery... lowers the tone. And I can't see wish / fetish working particularly well as a rhyming couplet -- yes you can force it, but the accent is always on "fet" rather than "ish" in normal speak so it could sound not so convincing...

Third line, I think "cannot" would scan better than "can't" and is more forceful - although I can see how you'd make it scan now that I think about it... still think cannot is better tho...

Few tweaks and I think you've got something decent...

Good stuff - better than the emo angst that often gets posted... there's a thought for you... equate emo self-harm with what we're doing to the plant... cut me in for royalites...

 

[fraze72]

Armistice, thanks for the input. I think I will change the "sloppy seconds" line to "With nothing left for those who follow." It flows better, as well. I have struggled with the fetish line, also. I will probably just rewrite that couplet.

I hope you didn't think this was an emo angst song. I don't have the hairline to pull that off.

 

[Armistice]

Armistice, thanks for the input. I think I will change the "sloppy seconds" line to "With nothing left for those who follow." It flows better, as well. I have struggled with the fetish line, also. I will probably just rewrite that couplet.

I hope you didn't think this was an emo angst song. I don't have the hairline to pull that off.

Nope... wasn't thinking that at all... consider a stylish combover..

 

[rayc]

Armistice is spot on.
" With the temperature the profits..." line doesn't work in logic or flow.
The current wisdom is that a change to renewable & alternative energy sources & technologies will be the next growth/profit area.
The bridge section about nuc. winter is interesting but runs counter or parallel to the main theme. The warming/winter bits don't agree & cause me to begin questioning the narrative. You don't want you listener/reader to begin questioning your narrative or turning off do you? Go bacjk & refine/redefine the section so that it is clearly a sep. narrative.
Glad to see you gnawing on the bones of this particular dilemma.
If you'r on about the new rush to nuc. power sources be specific.