feedback would be dopalicious.

[ethos]

this is a verse to a track im working on, its a somewhat personal song, so id like a second opinon. i am an emcee, so i will be rapping, not singing.
not sure if that matters but anyway... its basically about an artist who sacrifices his social life to dwell in the house and make music...
--------------------------------

He would write until his hands would bleed, fingertips calloused
Walk the border of insanity, trying to find the balance
Can’t distinguish the meaningless from acts of pure genius
He’s obedient to destiny, but she was far from lenient
And he means it, every single word he’s ever said,
But they fell on deaf ears, right before they fell dead
Now he sits indoors at noon, tracing constellations
He’s agoraphobic with legs folded in full lotus
Doesn’t notice that reality crumbled and just imploded
It happened just like he wrote it, depicted in all his notebooks
Now its hopeless, he’s dead to the world he sees
The speech curled, only speaks in soliloquies
He’s a misfit, a loner, he knows no other people
He’s a starving artist, survives, by eating at his ego
Every poem is a thesis, scribbling Mona Lisas
Blown to pieces, he sits at home on the weekends
Sold his sole for some ink pens, a pad is his B friend
Sleep walks through seasons, not sure if he’s still breathing
Tried to hitch-hike to infinity, too dizzy to find his thumbs
Mind is numb, his rhyme lifeline, connected his spine and tongue
Given he loves his music, but art is a praying mantis
And love fails, when words are taken for granted
His mantra is chanted, on backdrops of break-beats
But in a moment of clarity, I realize that “he” is me

---------------------------------------

its the first draft. and i wrote the last 7 lines 10 minutes ago.
any advice would be cool. i dont like how i say "he" and "his" so much.
please be brutally honest. if this was the worst thing youve ever read and you want to kill me for wasting 5 min. on reading it, tell me.

.peace.

 

[Folkie]

I'll agree it's very personal--There are some really strong images/phrases in it:

He’s a starving artist, survives, by eating at his ego
Every poem is a thesis, scribbling Mona Lisas

These two are my favorites, separately and together. Scribbling Mona Lisas is an interesting connection of writing to painting, and the whole line definitely ties well to the "eating at his ego" bit. (HE thinks they're masterpieces--is the image I get.)

I also like the way you tie it all (well most of it) up in the last line.

On the other hand, there are some weak lines, imho, and some that don't quite go along--sort of a chaotic jumble of images--which may be what you intended.

For example:

But they fell on deaf ears, right before they fell dead
Now he sits indoors at noon, tracing constellations

The second half of the line 1 just doesn't seem to be necessary except for use as fill in the rhyme scheme. The "tracing constellations" is the same. They don't seem to relate to the other images/themes of the poem.

I'm not much of a rap follower, so I don't know how well this would go in a club setting--the words are more "intellectual" than I would expect people to follow while dancing. Again, that may be the way rap has gone lately--I have no clue.

Overall, pretty good. Some "meaningless" some "acts of pure genius". If you can tighten up some of lines it'll be brilliant. (But don't waste all your weekends working on it! )

Hope that helps.....

 

[persondude]

cool dat.

 

[ethos]

thanks folkie, i appreciate the help.

"But they fell on deaf ears, right before they fell dead"

^with this line i was trying to make reference to what drove him away from the outside world.

"Now he sits indoors at noon, tracing constellations"

^this was following the idea, tracing constallations meaning he still looks into the world. but his NOON is everyone elses NIGHT. hes still seperated.

but i agree, it gets la little lost. thanks for pointing that out.
i'll play with ways of wording it differently.

lol, no, you certainly wouldnt be able to dance to it.
99% of the time, i dont like hip-hop you can dance to.

does it come across as him thinking hes a genius?
i was trying to make it sound as if he thinks he sucks, but that Mona Lisa line,
does make that confusing.

anyway, youve given me some stuff to think about, i appreciate it.

.peace.

 

[Folkie]

does it come across as him thinking hes a genius?
i was trying to make it sound as if he thinks he sucks, but that Mona Lisa line,
does make that confusing.

anyway, youve given me some stuff to think about, i appreciate it.

.peace.

The Mona Lisa line, the survives by eating ego line,
This one:
And he means it, every single word he’s ever said,
But they fell on deaf ears
(Gave me a feeling that he thinks he's a genius, or at least has something important to say, but no else does.)
These reinforce it a bit, to me:

It happened just like he wrote it, depicted in all his notebooks

Sold his sole for some ink pens (you sell your soul for something valuable--thus my thought was, with the ink pens and pad he could write down his "genius" that no one recognizes) as here:

And love fails, when words are taken for granted.

It actually strikes me that he is at a confused, conversion point where all his previous thoughts that he was a genius may have been wrong and maybe he really does suck. And tied through it is the idea that he's wasted all that time alone working on his art. He hasn't quite gotten to the point where he's ready to give up his belief in his genius, though.

Don't know if that's what you intended, but that's what I got out of it.