Feedback on this original appreciated

[Diverdown]

Walk A Mile In My Shoes Baby
Youll Get Sore Feet
Is This Trash Can The Lucky One
I Might Get Somethin To Eat
You See Me In My Shabby Clothes
I Know I Make Your Skin Crawl
Just In Case Your Wondering
I Was Just Like You Before The Fall





I Had Me A Real Good Job
A Nice Car And Lotsa Toys Too
A Wife And Kids And What Comes With That
White Picket Fence And An Ocean View
I Started To Act Kinda Strange
Something In My Mind Went Click
They Took Me To The Doctor
Mrs Smith Your Husbands Sick

Bridge
Is It Pity Or Fear That Shows In Your Eyes ,or When Im Standing Dancing Solo Do You Find It Hard Not To Cry


I Just Cant Believe Whats Become Of Me , I Wear My On Demons Outside For Everyone To See




Next Thing I Was All Alone
These Dirty Streets Well There Now My Home
The Pills They Make Me Someone Else
Without Im Crazy But Im Still Myself
So Here I Stay In My Card Board Room
Drink Moody Blue By The Light Of The Moon
Saftey Net Whoa Its Outa Whack
Ive Fallen Through This Great Big Crack

 

[jdblessing1970]

Walk A Mile In My Shoes Baby
You'll Get Sore Feet
Is This Trash Can The Lucky One
I Might Get Somethin To Eat
You See Me In My Shabby Clothes
I Know I Make Your Skin Crawl
Just In Case You're Wondering
I Was Just Like You Before The Fall

Not bad...second line might be better as "If this Trash can's the lucky one" rather than as a question.

I Had Me A Real Good Job
A Nice Car And Lotsa Toys Too
A Wife And Kids And What Comes With That
White Picket Fence And An Ocean View
I Started To Act Kinda Strange
Something In My Mind Went Click
They Took Me To The Doctor
Mrs Smith Your Husbands Sick

The thing that strikes me about this verse is that when things "click" that implies that the fall into place...when things go "snap" THAT's when they fall out of place. But that's my own interpretation of mental sounds. lol

Bridge
Is It Pity Or Fear That Shows In Your Eyes ,or When Im Standing Dancing Solo Do You Find It Hard Not To Cry
I Just Cant Believe Whats Become Of Me , I Wear My On Demons Outside For Everyone To See

"When I'm standing dancing solo" is a little awkward for me. Is he standing or dancing? Should the second line be "own demons"?

Next Thing I Was All Alone
These Dirty Streets Well There Now My Home
The Pills They Make Me Someone Else
Without Im Crazy But Im Still Myself
So Here I Stay In My Card Board Room
Drink Moody Blue By The Light Of The Moon
Saftey Net Whoa Its Outa Whack
Ive Fallen Through This Great Big Crack

First line seems to be missing words "next thing [i knew?]", same for fourth line. "without [them?]" Also, I'm not sure what is meant by "Safety net whoa its outa whack".

Overall tho, it has potential. What genre of music is this written for btw?

 

[Diverdown]

Thanks for the reply
Your right the "if " flows better and stays more rhetorical

The "click" fit ryhme wise but i would agree snap implies breakage or damage more , perhaps Ill rework that line

Standing dancing solo was the only words I had to describe a homeless fellow I had observed that got me writing this tune,the jerky twitchy motion whilst he was standing still on a street corner , perhaps it works better in my head as it fit the image .....

It should read "i wear my demons on the outside for everyone to see " but my poor typing skills and worse proofreading abilities have become evident

Im trying to impart that we all have internal demons we stuggle with daily but for some unfortunate souls its out there in the public domain , the struggle I mean.


the rather odd diction and grammer is intentional I sing it as written to give it a more "gritty" touch the "without im crazy but Im still myself " just works in the vernacular I am used to. But I must double check that its constant thoughout the song.

The saftey net is a common term here in Canada for our social / health system but homelessness is rising rapidly even in smaller urban centers and people who dont take their meds and subsequently live a more schizophrenic(?) life tend to fall between the cracks or though the holes in the net

the intended genre is a kind of alternative blusey folky thing but im having trouble nailing a tempo down that I like

Do you ever find you change the speed of a song drasticly during the writing or do you stick with your original idea?
oh well its fun anyway
thanks for your input
Its appreciated

 

[jdblessing1970]

hmmm...

Something went snap in my head
I'd need medication
Is what the doctor said
or
Something went snap in my head
The doctor told me
That I would need meds.

??

I'm not much into composing...not my gift. I have found that occassionally I will write a chorus with a different beat (3/4 vs 4/4) than the verses. But then again, I'm not the best chorus writer either...I'm more of a "musical poet" writing poems that have musicality but need hooks.

 

[Diverdown]

Version 2

Some added some taken away:


WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES BABY
YOULL GET SORE FEET
IF THIS TRASH CANS THE LUCKY ONE
I MIGHT GET SOMETHIN TO EAT
YOU SEE ME IN MY SHABBY CLOTHES
I KNOW I MAKE YOUR SKIN CRAWL
JUST IN CASE YOUR WONDERING
I WAS JUST LIKE YOU BEFORE THE FALL

I HAD ME A REAL GOOD JOB
A NICE CAR AND PRETTY TOYS TOO
A WIFE AND KIDS AND WHAT COMES WITH THAT
WHITE PICKET FENCE AND AN OCEAN VIEW
I STARTED TO ACT KINDA STRANGE
SOMETHING IN MY HEAD WENT WRONG
THEY TOOK ME TO THE DOCTOR
MRS SMITH, HE'S GOT AN SICKNESS AND ITS STRONG

IS IT PITY OR FEAR THAT SHOWS IN YOUR EYES ,OR WHEN IM STANDING DANCING SOLO DO YOU FIND IT HARD NOT TO CRY
WHEN YOU PLACE A DOLLAR INTO THE PALM OF MY HAND , I FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER CAUSE
I THINK YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND

NEXT THING I KNOW I AM ALL ALONE
THESE DIRTY STREETS WELL THERE NOW MY HOME
THE PILLS, I DONT TAKEM THEY MAKE ME SOMEONE ELSE
WITHOUT THEM IM CRAZY BUT IM STILL MYSELF
SO HERE I STAY IN MY CARD BOARD ROOM
I DRINK MOODY BLUE BY THE LIGHT OF A 45 GALLON MOON
MY NEWSPAPER BLANKET READS THE SAFTEY NET, ITS OUTA WHACK
DONT HAFTA TELL ME MAN, IVE FALLEN THROUGH THIS GREAT BIG CRACK

IS IT PITY OR FEAR THAT SHOWS IN YOUR EYES ,OR WHEN IM STANDING DANCING SOLO DO YOU FIND IT HARD NOT TO CRY
I JUST CANT BELIEVE WHATS BECOME OF ME , I WEAR MY DEMONS ON THE OUTSIDE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE