Feedback on lyrics please?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jordazjc
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Jordazjc

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Hey everyone, just wrote these down while doin my homework, tell me what ya think ;)




Welcome friend, life’s not been kind to you
The flame’s died in your eyes, that once burned true

You bear the tattered shell of war,
Scars deeper than you’ve ever had before


They’re in your flesh, they’re in your mind
Some present from the life you left behind




Uncle Sam had your answer, didn’t he?
You’re a hero, a saint, and you’re gonna get money

Cuz ya need to go to school, don’t ya son?
Well, not until this war is won

My friend, you’ve lost your mind,
Life ain’t fair to your kind,

So, boy, you’re gonna need to




Heal

Been to long, since you tried to

Feel

That there was something else, something wrong


You seal your fate with lead
No one’s right if they’re dead

Patriotism, it makes you ‘good‘,
Evil, is something you’ve never truly understood



Neutral is the fate, both sides will meet,
You race each other to and end, that’s bittersweet



My friends, look at yourselves

You need to

Heal

Been to long, since you’ve tried to

Feel

That you didn’t belong



Look at where your life has brought you
Young man of war

Downed by what you made surround you
Young man of war

You knew the risk , but you had to,
Young man of war

You’ve been scared like this before
Young man of war



You had dreams didn’t you?
Young man of war

But you stopped believing they’d come true?
Young man of war

Your past did everything to guide you
Young man of war

Unfair, that this is where it lead you to
Young man of war






Between life and death you sleep
Young man of war

Bullets, they sink in deep
Young man of war

Deal with what you’ve learned
Young man of war

Is this the fate, that you’ve earned?


Young man of war, I think you need to-

Heal

Do you still know how to

Feel

Anymore…








Well, as you can probably tell, it's about a soldier :P Lmao, im thinking of trying to write an album about a soldier, downed in battle, who, while in the midst of his unconciousness, is visited by voices and thoughts that make him rethink the values of his life, enlisting in the military. It's going to be a concept album, of good and evil, and while pointing out the flaws in the way he was raised, it will also point out the flaws in the judgement of whats good and evil :) Please, tell me what you think
 
For my tastes....

....this rambles for quite some time. Start your rewrite by removing ALL extraneous words. Then try to tell the same story again. The idea of a concept album is interesting and clever. I like it...in concept. I also like the repetition of 'heal' and 'feel'. They are active verbs that grab me as a listener. During your rewrites (Yeah, plural!) try adding more imagery. Instead of:
Bullets, they sink in deep
Young man of war
Perhaps something like:
Bullets race through your torso
YMoW
OR
Thoughts sear your brain like bullets
YMoW

You get the idea. Then make him personal for us. Give him a girlfriend or a family or a dog that will miss him. Hope this helps. Welcome to the HR Forum. Dave. aka up-fiddler
 
Thanks for the advice, though the aspect of making him more personal, i figured would be laid out further within the album. The next song I was planning to deal with hjis loss of innocence as he took the lifestyle he chose, deeming him a valliant soldier, a scarred person for the rest of his life. He actually WILL have a family, and really whether he left them to protect, or get away from having to choose other options for pay is questioned.

And 'Heal' will be the second song on the album actuallly. The first will have a various amounts of sound effects followed by a driven, frantic solo, representing him falling into his own personal little torture a.k.a the judgement of his moral values and his life.
 
Oh and btw, this will be a particularly long song, and between every four lines of the 'ymow', there will be a short little bluesy solo. Perhaps some slide soloing similar to 'breathe' off of tdsotm (pink floyd)

I also thought it went on for quite a bit lmao, but I did think of things to space it out. As the song progresses from the start of the Ymow verses, it will get a little bit more fast paced and a little bit more epic, finishing off with a High distortion guitar solo, and will come to a sudden stop, leading into the next song.

Oh and btw, I think I like typing out my ideas, sorry my posts are so long lmao
 
I think, for the most part, the lyrics are fine.

I particularly like the second half (from "My friends look at yourselves" on).

A couple of bits I'm not convinced about. For example "The flame’s died in your eyes, that once burned true" sounds like a line that's been twisted around to get "true" to rhyme with "you". If you were actually talking to someone, you would be more likely to say "The flame in your eye that once burned true has died". Lyrics in songs generally sit better if the phrasing is more naturally conversational, for example, like the "Uncle Sam" bit.

"Bittersweet" is another word that sounds like a forced rhyme.

But all in all, it is an ambitious project by the sound of it, and you are off to a good start. I hope you turn it into a masterpiece.
 
Thanks, your opinions deemed better than i expected :P

Lmao, I have the lyrics to the next song on the album up in this forum too :P Please take a look, it would be very appreciated.

And the next song goes into more detail abouyt the character.
 
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