Feedback on an acoustic song....

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jjbutler88

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Hi Guys,
Nice to see some fellow songwriters openly posting they're lyrics for constructive criticism. I thought id put some of mine up, to see what you all think. Feel free to lash them if you dont think they're any good, i wont be offended. Songs called 'too far away to see'

Verse 1
The clock's tickin on my bedroom wall
But I dont feel, anything at all
I just wish you were home

With me, on my bed
With the world running through your head
You look like a thousand diamonds on the shore

Chorus
And what's more,
You're smiling at me
I think you can see where we're going
You take my hand and
Lead me away
Just for the day
We'll be
Too far away to see

Verse 2
You're eyes have a story to tell
And I can see, you've been through hell
Or maybe I just know you too well?

And now you walk through the open door
But secretly it leaves you wanting more
So much more

Chorus

Ive got a badly recorded version on my soundclick page, http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=478033 . Check it out and leave me feedback if you please. I write often, so if there is a song that appeals to a lot of people, I can steer my writing towards that style.

Thanks in advance
Jon
 
jjbutler88 said:
Verse 1
The clock's tickin on my bedroom wall
But I dont feel, anything at all
I just wish you were home

Verse 2
You're eyes have a story to tell
And I can see, you've been through hell
Or maybe I just know you too well?
Click to expand...

I think these are great! If it were me I would probably put them together as a first verse and build a new song around them. jm$.02
 
Thanks for the feedback, its much appreciated. I might take ure advice actually, the other 2 paras do look a bit weak against those 2. Feel free to jot down any ideas u might have. Il post some when i get a creative moment.

Jon
 
Cool stuff, I like the style and the lyrics are creative. Keep writing!
 
jjbutler88 said:
Hi Guys,
Nice to see some fellow songwriters openly posting they're lyrics for constructive criticism. I thought id put some of mine up, to see what you all think. Feel free to lash them if you dont think they're any good, i wont be offended. Songs called 'too far away to see'

Verse 1
The clock's tickin on my bedroom wall
But I dont feel, anything at all
I just wish you were home

With me, on my bed
With the world running through your head
You look like a thousand diamonds on the shore

Chorus
And what's more,
You're smiling at me
I think you can see where we're going
You take my hand and
Lead me away
Just for the day
We'll be
Too far away to see

Verse 2
You're eyes have a story to tell
And I can see, you've been through hell
Or maybe I just know you too well?

And now you walk through the open door
But secretly it leaves you wanting more
So much more

Chorus

Ive got a badly recorded version on my soundclick page, http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=478033 . Check it out and leave me feedback if you please. I write often, so if there is a song that appeals to a lot of people, I can steer my writing towards that style.

Thanks in advance
Jon
Click to expand...
Got to agree with the above--lots of good lyrics, creative, the melody is good--I can imagine this as one of those background tunes on an episode the OC (that's a good thing, BTW.)

Now for the "but:"

But, I find a conflict in your "timing". Your opening verse says "I just wish you were home", implying she's not home. Your next verse says "You look like a thousand diamonds...", implying she is there. (I love the image--"a thousand diamonds on the shore"...) I can see, vaguely, that she is "there" in your fantasy at this point, but read on.

Much of the remaining is, again, as if she's right there with you--although she doesn't "walk through the door" until the last verse. Just feels sort of odd to me.

The last verse is confusing. I love the imagery, but I can't connect it to the rest of the song, or the title. The initial impression I get of her "walking through the open door" is that she's finally home (she was away in the opening verse, of course). But the next lines make me think that's just a metaphor for -- something -- "But secretly it leaves you wanting more". Does "it" refer to the walking through the door? Or what? And the following chorus goes in still a different direction.

I'm just too dense to get the connections you're describing.

Anyway, good tune, good imagery. I really like it, but the lyrics by themselves leave me feeling like there should be another verse or two to tie everything together.

Your tune, your words. Pay no attention to me...
 
Thanks for all the replies, but Folkie, wow. That is some immense feedback, i had barely thought about that :p. Guess i was so busy making the imagery, i didnt think about it making sense! Well im gonna take ure advice, edit it up a bit, and maybe even write another verse or two. Thats exactly the kind of thing that i cant see in my songs, coz i wrote them and all.

Many thanks,
Jon
 
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