do you think these are really stupid lyrics?

[Layla Nahar]

Should I keep working on this idea? Would you accept something like this? Too much chorus & prechorus and too little verse? how about the ideas? and how about the words that I have chosen? is this any good, or have I embarresed myself? can you stand the packet of sand thing? is it too stupid, or is it interesting? I don't have a tune yet. with this song I have moved away from the beautiful, lovely images that I have always disdained in my writing. But I just don't know if this is just really stupid, or if I have something here. Sorry for the long preamble, and I really really appreciate your feedback. it is the first time I have posted lyrics on this site.



Here you stand before me
with a promise you take up my hands
I see you adore me
like a packet of sand

. . .

How you could speak volumes
and how I looked on every shelf
for you. A clever trick,
to be more real this way
than ever you were yourself

Here you stand before me
with a promise you pull at my hands
and I see you adore me
like a packet of sand

My Disappearing Mystic says
I'm gonna shake you up
I need to turn you round
So shake me then, and make me free
but don't ever let go
and don't let me hit the ground

...

I swam across a lake for you
and I sank into the earth
and the time you kept me warm
was my last chance
to know what you're worth

(*note)
Was there a time, did you adore me
what did I do wrong
I saw you holding before me
the promise I had in my hand

My Disappearing Mystic says
I'm gonna shake you up
I need to turn you round
So shake me then, and make me free
but don't ever let go
and don't let me hit the ground

...

(note - I changed this prechorus thingie. before it was:

Here you stand before me
with a promise you break me in pieces
and I see you adore me
with a promise I had in my hand

Which is better?)

Thank you everybody

 

[nickjc]

pretty cool lyrics Layla
I like

 

[nickjc]

sorry man, messed that up.

Like I say, they're cool lyrics.

I like:

Here you stand before me
with a promise you pull at my hands
and I see you adore me
like a packet of sand

more than the original way, but then, I'm a sucker for rhyming songs
I also like this bit, with the twisting of the word "shake" and the double entendre that goes on there,
My Disappearing Mystic says
I'm gonna shake you up
I need to turn you round
So shake me then, and make me free
but don't ever let go
and don't let me hit the ground

It's kinda hard to tell without the music, but it sounds like it would make a nice sad song.

ps. what's a Disappearing Mystic?

 

[apl]

Hi, Layla.

I'm kinda in a similar spot; I'm looking for that last-line-in-a-chorus-hook.

I think the packet of sand thing is nailing the point, but I don't think it has much value as a hook. I think you're trying to say:

And I see you adore me
(like something that might look valuable at first glance, but on deeper examination you really see me as a throw-away)

I'm trying to brain storm by myself...trying to think of things that are valuable for a day but then wimp out...flowers do that, so do fireworks, sometimes the weather...

How 'bout:

I see you adore me
Like the rose that fades away...

Or whithers away.

Wow, this is a tough forum to contribute too!

 

[nickjc]

Hi, Layla.

I'm kinda in a similar spot; I'm looking for that last-line-in-a-chorus-hook.

I think the packet of sand thing is nailing the point, but I don't think it has much value as a hook. I think you're trying to say:

And I see you adore me
(like something that might look valuable at first glance, but on deeper examination you really see me as a throw-away)

I'm trying to brain storm by myself...trying to think of things that are valuable for a day but then wimp out...flowers do that, so do fireworks, sometimes the weather...

How 'bout:

I see you adore me
Like the rose that fades away...

Or whithers away.

Wow, this is a tough forum to contribute too!

how bout:

I see you adore me,
like an ebay wedding ring

?

 

[kylosius]

depending on your approach to this one i'd say they're good. everyone's got their own approach toward songwriting, like me i always go for the "less is more". i'd say these are good lyrics though.

 

[Artist Unknown]

I think you should change "like a packet of sand". I actually liked the original better even though it didn't rhyme. If the original works in the song then I'd use that.

 

[old dan]

I don't think I've ever known anyone who has had an emotional attachment to a packet of sand. Having someone adore you like a packet of sand is like someone thinking you are smarter than a box of rocks. Not a big compliment. I would rethink that whole line if I were you.

My suggestion:
Here you stand before me
with a promise you take up my hands
I see you adore me
like the promise in your hands.

Some traditionalists may balk at rhyming the same word but I think it's fine. It's still a little plain tho. I'm sure you can come up with something better. btw, I liked the original prechorus better.

 

[Garry Sharp]

"smarter than a box of rocks"

After apl's post, here's some thoughts of things that are valuable/attractive for a while and then worthless (fireworks and flowers are good but might raise other images in the listener's mind)

- newspapers (remember the Stones' Who Wants Yesterday's Papers?)
- butterflies
- rainbows
- that erotic dream you wish you could remember in more detail (sorry that's unhelpful but I couldn't resist)
- forgotten poems ("Like a verse you loved and then forgot" - hmmm, that's quite good. Might use that one day)
- sandcastles

Just thoughts.

Garry