Do you guys think this works as a song?

[Max Mediocre]

I sat down with my guitar and came up with a little doodle on a C chord, then I started humming a melody, then I came up with some really simple lyrics, and I ended up with this:

I Have

it's about a minute and a half long. I recorded whispy, doubletracked vocals over the guitar, which just repeats the same thing over and over again. I kind of like it, actually, but I don't know whether or not it stands up by itself as a song. I'm planning on using it to end a short (4 song) demo CD that I'm giving out to local venues for gigs, and I'd like your guys' feedback.

thanks,
neil

 

[Emusic]

As a part of a melody/song that simple theme might stand a chanche. But as a track alone (all in C) I see no future for it. I might be wrong though, but I doubt it.
Keep on working with it and post more.
Keep it up.

 

[Cosmic]

Hi Neil,

The drone-like quality I feel can work only if it is contrasted with a big arrangement for the body of the song (when written.)

Then you can bring everything down again to this quiet, slightly creepy simplicity each time you launch a new verse, kick it back up for the body of the verse, have a big finish, and then end the song back down in 'C land' as it started. And of course, more than one chord in this case

If feel you can use this for something about some people who are not quite right in the head but who think they are.

Best,

CC