demo

  • Thread starter Thread starter grn
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grn

grn

Well-known member
no one wanted to comment in the songwriting forum, so I guess any feedback would be nice. I'd rather hear about the songwriting than the recording since it's just a demo, but it's whatever.

http://www.myspace.com/ciaoroma

It's the last song. Would like to hear anything and everything you think. Still hung up on the girlfriend thing.

Lyrics:
oooh I love you
like chocolate milk and chinese food
you make me happy, so happy, I could make you happy too

mmhmm you are beauty
like hummingbirds and butterflies
anytime that I'm around you, it's lovely, I hear nothing but lullabies

and I feel like the lonely moon without you

ooh I get jealous
when you go out with other guys
I know that they are just friends and it's stupid, but if I lost you I would die

mmmm I worry
you deserve to be a queen
I need you like trees need the sunlight, without you I can't even breathe
 
For a demo, the sounds aren't bad at all. Vocals are good...I like how you sound. It really fits the vibe of the tune. Tune as a whole is pretty cool. Sombre, is what I get a feel for from this. Wishing and wanting the girl....cool. Needing, I guess is what he means. I dig it.
Ed
 
Cool tune. I didn't like the intro the first time but after a few listens I like it.
Cool vibe from the vocals.
 
pretty good man. It really is, you should keep with it. It has a cool sound.

I just started makin some music and got my first recording. It is abviously simple but just wanted to make some music. I will be posting new, longer, more meaningful music soon. I have a friend who is going to sing too, peace.

Click here, thanks
 
I'm thinking you should use the "I feel like the lonely moon without you" as a hook and get rid of the "ooh I get jealous" insecurity verse, keep it about her and don't make it about you cept for the hook.
 
Like it was said, this is pretty cool for a demo.... :D

You say you would die if you lost her, but maybe she's already lost because she's going out with other guys...... :(

I agree with NYMorningstar on focusing the chorus on that one line about the moon....that's a good hook.

I think you need to firm up whether the girl is yours, may be yours, may never be yours, so that the story is more consistent.....

The melody and song structure are really good so keep that and just do a little more work with the lyrics.... :) :) :)
 
no, I feel like I lost... maybe there is a chance... I will see what romance can do
 
just stay true and right what you feel, not what people tell you.
 
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