Deep Blue Skies: vague?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Chris Shaeffer
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Chris Shaeffer

Chris Shaeffer

Peavey ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, this tune is about to recieve its final touches on what I hope will be my first CD-ready track. I'm still having some rough spots with the lyrics. They all say what I want them to say, sometimes on several levels, but I always wonder if they make any kind of sense to anyone but me, or if what I concider glaring rough spots appear so to others.

What the heck am I talking about?

Thanks,
Chris

(Note: there are 2 verse structures, labeled A and B, that have very different music and meter and rhym.)
_______________
Deep Blue Skies

(Verse A)
I wonder how so many thousands
Of people make it through the day.
What great art keeps us from falling apart
When nothing seems to go our way?
I guess I should try to just enjoy the ride
As I may never be coming back this way.
But we're running and running with no thought of return
I hope standing still is still OK.

(Chorus)
Looking out my window at deep blue sky
Not a cloud to block the sun in my eye

(Verse B)
Well its a little bit dusty and a little bit musty
But everyone says its ok
Like when you sit still too long and your strength is all gone
Well, who wants to get up, anyway?
With no one the wiser the wind has grown stronger
But just a little each day
Till with a great roaring sound everything not tied down
Is blown away

And I've got nothing to hold on to
But Deep Blue Skies.

(Verse A)
Don't look now but I don't think we looked after
And the time keeps slipping through our hands.
What great art keeps us just tearing apart
What we've come to call the promised land.
I guess I should try to just injoy the ride
'Cause I know nothing ever goes as planned.
And even the thrones carved in the hardest of stones
Will someday crumble into sand.

(Chorus)
Looking out my window at deep blue sky
I can't believe we're just going to say "Good Bye"

(Verse B)
I don't know how it begins but it gets under my skin
And I feel like I'm going insane
It makes me feel so alone even though deep down I know
Everyone else feels the same
With no one the wiser the walls have grown higher
But just a little each day
Untill the walls are so high that no one see eye to eye
And night is day.

And I got nothing to look up to but
Deep Blue Skies
 
Originally posted by Chris Shaeffer
_______________
Deep Blue Skies

(Verse A)
I wonder how so many thousands
Of people make it through the day.
What great art keeps us from falling apart
When nothing seems to go our way?
I guess I should try to just enjoy the ride
As I may never be coming back this way.
But we're running and running with no thought of return
I hope standing still is still OK.

(Chorus)
Looking out my window at deep blue sky
Not a cloud to block the sun in my eye

(Verse B)
So its a little bit dusty and a little bit musty
But everyone says its ok
Like when you sit still too long and your strength is all gone
Well, who wants to get up, anyway?
With no one the wiser the wind has grown stronger
But just a little each day
Till with a great roaring sound everything not tied down
Is blown away

And I've got no view to hold on to
But Deep Blue Skies.

(Verse A)
Don't look now but I don't think we looked after took care of something or viewed after the fact?? Meaning unclear
And the time keeps slipping through our hands.
What great art keeps us just tearing apart
What we've come to call the promised land.
I guess I should try to just enjoy the ride
'Cause I know nothing ever goes as planned.
And even the thrones carved in the hardest of stones
Will someday crumble into sand. (v nice!)

(Chorus)
Looking out my window at deep blue sky
I can't believe we're just going to say "Good Bye"

(Verse B)
I don't know how it begins but it gets under my skin
And I feel like I'm going insane
It makes me feel so alone even though deep down I know
Everyone else feels the same
With no one the wiser the walls have grown higher
But just a little each day
Until the walls are so high that no one see eye to eye
And night is day.

And I got nothing to look up to but
Deep Blue Skies [/B]
Click to expand...

I think that's a very pretty poetic piece and I can't wait to hear how it runs in the song. Seeing as I don't know how radical our suggestions were meant to be in terms of meter (which was unclear without the music) I just added some rather petty nitpickery that I doubt will be of interest to you but are the changes I might make. I find being as cautious as possible with the details can help avoid the reek of cliche. I put in 'so'; instead of having two 'well's next to each other, which maybe otherwise sets up a loss of emphasis on the important, second 'well'. The change to 'view' from 'thing' is just to circumvent a slightly mixed metaphor.

If you just want my opinion of it as it stands I say well done and the music sounds interesting from what you've said.

I think it's more than fine to have a somehwat vague set of lyrics now and then as long as there's some sort of substance that hooks you. Like 'Suzanne' by Leonard Coen: it seems to be just line after line of pretty poetic/philosophical remarks with no seeming correlation, yet there's the 'real world' 'story' of him and Suzanne by the river. Just like your song has the image of you looking up at the Deep Blue Sky.
 
couplets

How do Chris,
This was a fun read. Not too abstract, but enough so that I can divine my own meaning (i.e. pesonalize the song).
Especially liked the couplets. Which brings me to my teenie, tiny nit. In all the verses except v1, you have couplets in the 3rd and 7th lines. Maybe in line 7 of v1 you could say something along the line of;

But we run and turn, with no thought of return

If it doesn't change your intended meaning too much.
Just my 2 pennies. Keep or sweep. Because, after all,
what do I know?
Bill
 
Thanks for the reads and comments. I'm really glad the song doesn't come across as too vague- I fight with that a bit, but I want the tunes to be accessible. Thanks for taking the time to read through my long songs. )

Rodeo: You nailed one line that I'm kinda worried about "Don't look now but I don't think we looked after..." In the recording I have right now those 2 lines go:

'I wonder how so many thousands of people
Just don't understand'

But I really like the "time keeps slipping through our hands" part- less negative. I'll keep working on that. Its an important line in the song and it says what I want it to say, but...I have a feeling no one will get it but me. May be no help for it.

Bill: Thanks! I really like the couplets, too. And you hit the other line that makes me cringe. "running and running" doesn't quite fit- and you have just inspired me to figure it out. How about:

"The bridges are burned with no hope of return
I hope standing still is still OK."

Oooo, I like that! :D

Thanks again. I managed to get my current recording up on NoWhereRadio if you'd like to hear how it goes. Some of the lyrics are different than what I have here and the vocal performance isn't up to snuff, but you can definately get the feel for how the lyrics fit with the music.

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/album.php?aid=1247&alid=-1

Take care,
Chris
 
Yup

Chris,
Works for me if it works for you. It's better than my example. But, you got the point.
One more little suggestion, if you don't mind.
To tie your new line to the lines before it you may want to say something like;

I guess I should try to just enjoy the ride
As I may never be coming back this way.
BECAUSE bridges WERE burned with (THERE'S ?)no hope of return

Or not. 'Cause, after all,
what do I know?
Bill
 
Wow Chris, that almost sounds like something I would have written. No lie we must be on the same wavelength (or somewhere cloce) I might have tried to condense my thoughts a little but otherwise I think you are on the right track.
 
Thanks, Dani. :D

Are you saying I'm long winded? :D

I think the tune actually comes to around 4 minutes long. I don't have any lead breaks in it, though, but probably won't be adding any.

I'm glad you like it. I haven't been hanging out much on the board lately, but do you have any work posted around here anywhere?

Take care,
Chris
 
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