critique these lyrics, please

[baerstev]

The song isn't finished yet... I will probably add another chorus, with a positive ending? Anyway... please let me know what you think and why. Thanks.

Verse 1
Its locking down like a swollen river
Swim for life upstream to live but
Doomed to drown if you struggle harder
The end has come, or has it always been this way?

Chorus 1
Can they know to guide you?
To free from pain that blinds you?
Inside a broken mind you
Can’t see through night to the day

Verse 2
The battle’s on, they lay in hills of dead
What is peace like? Can’t remember
Crushing ponder, open fire
This end is come, or is it just another day?

Chorus 2
Can they know to guide you?
To bring truth to a mind who’s
Instilled with chains so binding
They bend the heart till it breaks

Bridge 1
He’s got his own god living as an addict
He’s got his own god living as an addict
Inside a room soon empty of oxygen
Outside the world is safe behind a curtain

Solo

Bridge 2
He’s got his own god living as an addict
His dreams are long gone buried by the habit
His life a room soon empty of oxygen
Outside the world is nothing but uncertain

 

[Rokket]

The first line kind of bothers me, I can't get the mental image of a river "locking" (unless that was not the word you were looking for). The last line of the first verse is a bit cliche'd too, you may look for a different way to say that. The second bridge could serve to give you a more positive ending if you redid it. That way you wouldn't have to lengthen the song too much. Just some suggestions. You can take 'em or leave 'em. Drug addiction is a hard subject to cover well. Hopefully this isn't autobiographical. Good job.

 

[Sloan]

Solo

I like that part!

 

[LI_Slim]

The song isn't finished yet... I will probably add another chorus, with a positive ending? Anyway... please let me know what you think and why. Thanks.

Verse 1
Its locking down like a swollen river
Swim for life upstream to live but
Doomed to drown if you struggle harder
The end has come, or has it always been this way?

First of all, there's a difference between being lyrical and being obtuse. I have no idea that the song is about addiction until I get to the bridge. So I really think you have to give us more of a clue in the first verse.

I agree that swollen rivers do not "lock down". Having said that, the central image of verse 1 can be very powerful; the addict trying to keep his head above the water, exhausting himself by swimming upstream. I would definitely stay with and work with this. It may even be worth two full verses.

Chorus 1
Can they know to guide you?
To free from pain that blinds you?
Inside a broken mind you
Can’t see through night to the day

Who are "they"? If I'm listening to this song, I'm going to miss the entire chorus trying to figure out who "they" is. I would stay in the head of the addict in chorus1. Also, I don't know if you're talking about a broken mind as much as a tortured spirit, or something like that.

Verse 2
The battle’s on, they lay in hills of dead
What is peace like? Can’t remember
Crushing ponder, open fire
This end is come, or is it just another day?

Okay, now our image is a battlefield instead of a stream. That could work, but "they lay in hills of dead" is again confusing. Say what you mean. Same with "crushing ponder": no image and no meaning, just a word puzzle.

Chorus 2
Can they know to guide you?
To bring truth to a mind who’s
Instilled with chains so binding
They bend the heart till it breaks

Again, "they" is problematic. The image here is also confusing. Chains don't instill, they enslave; and is the heart being bent, or rather crushed or something like that. Find the words to say what you mean instead of playing with whatever comes to mind.

Bridge 1
He’s got his own god living as an addict
He’s got his own god living as an addict
Inside a room soon empty of oxygen
Outside the world is safe behind a curtain

I like this except for the last line; it's not the world that's safe; it's the addict who is desperately trying to protect himself. Also, I would make the last line of bridge 2 the same as whatever you come up with for the last line of bridge 1.

I take the time to do this because I think you have the ability to write good lyrics!

 

[Garry Sharp]

Find the words to say what you mean instead of playing with whatever comes to mind.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen here.

 

[wakeupbomb]

The last line of the first verse is a bit cliche'd too, you may look for a different way to say that.

What's wrong with cliche`d? People use the word cliche` like it's a bad thing, but it something everyone remembers, and there must be a reason for it. I say, rock the cliche`s. Sure you can find a different way to say them, but according to most people today, everything you write or say, or do, is a cliche`, or it's ironic for irony's sake. F**k that. Use the cliche` to your advantage. Rock on brother, good stuff. I'd like to hear the actual song with the music and everything.